|Reviews for The Metal Dream|
| youthboy14 chapter 1 . 1/25/2011
Dear God...I'm sorry, but this needs a lot of work.
First off, the formatting is horrible. You don't need to do all the lines yourself - the site does it for you.
Your English needs a lot - and I stress a lot - of work. There's WAY too many awkward-to-read sections. Like this:
"Sometimes Mark didn't want to hear my crap. I didn't think I was full of crap, but everyone thought I was full of crap, and I need to stop saying crap."
That's just horrid. Here's an improved version.
"Sometimes, Mark didn't want to hear my crap. I don't think I'm full of crap, but everyone else does. Maybe I should be more careful with what I say."
I kinda like the idea you have with the science fair and whatnot, but you need to be a little less focused on dialouge.
And don't switch tenses unless it's appropriate. Please.
This isn't the worst I've read, but it needs a lot of improvement. Don't hold it against yourself, though - I can see you put some effort into this. You just need to put more in. Try harder and you'll get better at it.
And to Blank XIth - no, not every teenager calls everything they don't like gay - those are only the insensitive, immature, tiny-brained ones. They do make up the majority, unfortunately, but there are better people out there.
| Blank XIth chapter 1 . 1/16/2011
Ouch. To be completely honest, that was like a cruddy 2nd grade "What I Want to be When I Grow Up" essay. It was kind of hard to follow, there aren't really any details in any of the situations, and the formatting is kind of awkward. I suppose the dialogue is realistic enough for a 9th grader, although to be really realistic you could have said "fag" or "gay" in every sentence since there that age (12-17) wherein everything they don't like is homosexual for some reason.
I don't mean for this to come across as a flame, I just feel that there is very little, if anything, very good about this story at all. I mean, kudos for trying, but "I tried" isn't a very good excuse. Keep working on it and it will get better. Once again, sorry if I'm being overly critical or anything, but I'm pretty brutally honest, and frankly, for me anyway, any feedback is good feedback.