|Reviews for Salvation Between|
| Beacon515L chapter 2 . 1/7/2011
Hmmm... so far, it's an interesting start. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really think you could do better with Nusratt's characterisation. Of particular note is your juxtaposition of reasonably modern English with anachronisms - such as 'my liege' with 'can't' and 'didn't - to my mind, a least, it's quite jarring, doubly so when the entire story is narrated from his perspective and these conceptual collisions become a routine experience. I think you need to decide whether to make his language strictly archaic or strictly modern - if there is a middle ground, lumping the two extremes together isn't it.
Second point is your grammar. While the fic is most certainly readable, you slip up your tenses often enough for it to stick out like a sore thumb. It looks to me like you're trying to stay in present tense, since you're describing events from Nusratt's perspective as they unfold, which is fine - but you need to stick to that. Dialogue is an obvious exception to the rule, and you can, if appropriate, even be forgiven for lax grammar in speech for characterisation - but narrators are not so forgiveable, upon them the whole fabric of the narrative hangs, and one will want to ensure that it is a sturdy hook upon which it hangs, in no danger of instability or collapse.
On a related note, watch your punctuation (SO... MANY... ELLIPSES...) and your spelling - the latter with specific mention to 'made-up' words, like 'yea.' For that specific case, though, I can see why you might have done it - you were either deliberately misspelling 'yeah' to give a colloquial colour to Ritz's language (which is valid characterisation, but rendered ineffective by the fact that relaxed enunciation has basically no effect on spelling) or were actually using the word 'yea,' which is an archaic form of 'yes,' which is semantically equivalent (but archaic and hence not valid characterisation for Ritz).
In short, I would suggest that you carefully consider how you intend to characterise Nusratt, and how he might talk and think - bear in mind that normal people tend to think along similar lines to the way they speak (unless they have an extremely good reason not to). Secondly, proofread, proofread, proofread - and if that don't work, get a beta reader to look over it.
Again, apologies if I seem harsh, but I'm just calling it as I see it. As I said at the start, you've got an interesting start, with room for improvement, and it would be nice to see the quality of your writing pick up as the story moves along.
I expect this will not be the last you hear from me. Happy writing. X3