|Reviews for Letters to Pluto|
| King Tarol chapter 1 . 1/9/2011
First off, listen to Dark-Fox-GT. I would've said any of the things in that review.
Beyond that, there was a lot of redundant information and a few conflicts within your story. An example would be in the first or second letter where you used the phrase "deal with", or something like it, about 4 or 5 times. There are several other similar words or phrases that you could use. Or in the first paragraph, where you said that Angie was sent to help Ryoga's problem of puking when you later said that it was nosebleeding.
There were a few other spelling errors, although they aren't the kind that a spell checker would notice, because they would be things like typing "our" when you meant to type "out". Or "Wreaking" instead of "Wrecking."
Now, I feel somewhat like I shouldn't critique on style, because everyone has a different style. Again, Dark-Fox-GT beat me to the punch by telling you to maybe put more in the letters, and then make each letter a chapter. As it is, I felt like you were just listing people and the clothes they wore, which caused me to become a little lost in it all. If I feel lost in a story, I will automatically skim over most of the descriptions, until I'm at a point where I see some plot.
While I don't speak for all writers or readers, I'd say that most people need a character to latch on to, and Ryoga is more of a voice for the list instead of a character. Again, spacing out the letters could help. Another thing that could help is talking about Ryoga's experience with getting his life hijacked by the Sailor Pluto in his world. Typing that up in a non-letter format might make the story better or worse (that's up to you), but if you take that advice, make that into the first chapter.
The point of those suggestions is that introducing about 10 characters in one chapter (especially the first chapter) will make all of them forgettable to most people. Putting more time into describing their looks won't help this; in fact, it could end up making things worse.
I would even go so far as to say that the letter format has, as you mentioned was a possibility in your author notes, made your story worse. Letters are usually quick and formal; they're made more for sending information than as the basis of a story. While I'm sure that there are some very good exceptions, that is the way things are most of the time.
That's why I thought it was like a list. It just gave me the characters "in theory", without showing me their personalities. Either that, or I just couldn't get into the story because of the proofreading comments that Dark-Fox-GT and I left, but I think it might also be the story format that you used. I think I would like to see if you would be willing to show me the story as it would be if it was a story, and not a series of letters. Doing that would be the only way that I would know if my difficulties came from the proofreading, the format, or both.
Since I don't like pounding people over the head repeatedly with negative comments, however, I will say that your concept could make a pretty funny story. Just consider what your reviewers say if you notice that they're all saying the same thing, and you should only change as much of your story's concept, plot, or style as you want to change.
| Dark-Fox-GT chapter 1 . 1/7/2011
First off, your review asking for reviews sounds pretty desperate. It makes you sound like you're not quite confident in what you wrote. As for the story, the idea is not bad, being a collection of letters from Ryoga on the mantle of Sailor Pluto to another Sailor Pluto from a different dimension or time period. My trouble with it is that it could use better editing. Try reading other stories on here, especially the ones that have good formatting on paragraphs. Yes, you can have paragraphs in letters. Also, how about you try taking each letter, spreading them out into multiple paragraphs, and isolate them by making them their own chapter? Sure, the lengths will be different, but not every story has their chapters at the same length and amount of words. One more thing, I didn't read it all the way through, but I believe you should change this story's rating to "Teen" at least for the description you have given Akane. I had to do the same thing for similar reasons because of the possibility of pre-teen kids reading what I have wrote. The rating system is something that I have come to respect. Anyway, I do hope that you see my review as constructive criticism, rather than being an insult to your work. Have a nice day.
| cko2 chapter 1 . 1/6/2011
just if anyone reads this please leave something about this story to know that i have at least had people read this.