|Reviews for Double Jeopardy|
| Bedazzled-BookDragon chapter 30 . 2/17
| YSPMistake chapter 30 . 2/10
Alright. Finally finished reading all 30 chapters.
So I started this fic pretty much enamored with it - mistakes were very few and far between, the plotting looked pretty damn original, the characters were kept mostly canon, so on and so forth. I could read a chapter all the way through and find no mistakes whatsoever, be they with spelling, grammar, or plot.
Now, however, I find them when I'm not even looking for them.
And don't get me wrong - this is still a great fic. If you had started this fic with the same quality of writing that you show in your later chapters and simply kept that steady all the way through, I would probably be leaving glowing reviews all across this thing. The difficulty is that you didn't start like this. Double Jeopardy started out nearing perfection, and now as I read I am keenly aware of how it fails to live up to the standards set by its ambitious early chapters.
For example: plot holes. I ran into maybe one or two every half-dozen chapters chapters, and they were always minor things - a character referring to an item as this when they shouldn't have knowledge of it, or an out of place question that didn't make sense given the context. Like the Kessel Run "under twelve parsecs" slip-up. Then things got worse. Introducing Harry's "alter ego" Tom Riddle was damn clever, masterfully executed, and brilliantly explained. It was also probably the best and most perfect way to stack the odds against the heroes after they'd gained an infinite spellcaster. Then you ruined it by having Murtagh just happen to stab him in an alley (ridiculously unlikely) and then you made him vanish into thin air, giving Durza a power boost that we never really saw the effects of (beyond his sudden tracking abilities).
And that was just the first of the Subplots Into Nowhere. To name a few:
- The assassin who was captured, and then nearly seduced Harry (please don't make this a romantic triangle) and then was promptly forgotten.
- The two upstart magicians who keep trying to usurp Harry's authority and keep getting threatened with dung duty.
- The scrying and saving of Carvahall, which spanned multiple books in the original series.
- The visions of the people Harry left behind, and how they got on in his absence.
Some of them, like the assassin and the Carvahall situation, were over too fast and resolved too easily. The heroes had pretty much won from the get-go, even though it would have been way more interesting if you had expanded it all and made it look like the enemies would win up until the last second. Others, like the people Harry had left behind, needed to be addressed but didn't need to make up a subplot, and could have been resolved in a single chapter at most. Still others, like the upstart magicians, were completely unnecessary and a waste of time. And not funny.
Then, there's the deteriorating characterization. Take Harry, for example. In the books, Harry is best described as ordinary and quiet. He's somewhat intelligent, but his brains were never his selling point, and neither were his looks. His righteous anger is big and loud, sure, but it's also rare, and it's been shown in the series that he's able to endure humiliation for long periods by just gritting his teeth and ignoring his tormentors. All in all, his best quality was never his talent, but always his heart - his morals, his loving nature. As Dumbledore says: "It is a curious thing... but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it." Here, he seems to oscillate between flippant, angry, brilliant, attractive, talented, and insightful as the situation (and more importantly the author's opinion of it) demands. If the author doesn't like Oromis's pride, then Harry will shit all over that. If the author doesn't like Brom's secrets, then Harry will shit all over that. Multiple times. And sometimes Eragon and Murtagh will tag along.
The moral quandary about killing was resolved way too fast, you skipped a lot of the relationship-building elements, "magical bond" marriages are a cliche, the magical world should've been competent enough to survive without Harry, Umbridge was a bitch but not a criminal mastermind, Nasuada should have ruled the Varden, both the gate and the portkey leading to the same place was way too much of a coincidence, Jeod's and Orrin's deaths were (though necessary) inadequately portrayed, most of the characters' plans kill the suspense by violating the Unspoken Plan Guarantee (and therefore the Law of Conservation of Detail), and so on, so forth.
Oh, and worst of all: you switched from British quotation marks to American quotation marks partway through the story rather than sticking to one or the other. Shame on you.
Of course, after all this, I have to say that I still fucking love the story. It's still cleverly plotted, the characters are still (kind of) portrayed faithfully, the dialogue is still witty and canonical in spirit (if a bit ranty and preachy at times), and despite the minor bashing (a pet peeve of mine) all the characters are still kept mostly likeable. It's just hard to read it and not think of how much better it could have been. I can only hope that at some point you will revise the later chapters like you did the earlier ones.
Anyway. Still following, may fave. Keep writing - I'll keep reading.
| YSPMistake chapter 12 . 2/10
Sorry, but I have to check in again quickly. Two things this time:
1) If Harry already knows that Brom is a former dragon rider (which I think was covered in a previous chapter) then it doesn't make sense for him to ask why Brom knows so much about dragons. Eragon should have been the one to pose the question.
2) The discussion on religion, while well-informed, cleverly structured, and mostly true to the spirit of Inheritance, does kind of feel like you're using the characters to get the arguments across, rather than the other way around - and I don't think you're trying to be postmodernist here. Personally, I'd just shorten some of what Harry said and focus more on Eragon's thoughts, because his confused, developing perspective (to me) embodies the nature of the Inheritance Cycle's reflections on religion.
| YSPMistake chapter 5 . 2/10
I was going to leave a larger, more comprehensive review later - and I still will - but I felt it necessary to point out now that if Eragon recognized Harry's glasses for what they in Chapter One, Brom definitely shouldn't be calling them "the strange glass rings" here. Other than that, though, this looks really freaking good.
| stormwingssky chapter 30 . 2/9
| Pedro52 chapter 22 . 2/6
| Pedro52 chapter 21 . 2/6
| Pedro52 chapter 20 . 2/6
| Pedro52 chapter 17 . 2/5
| Awesomeness09 chapter 30 . 2/3
This story is awesome. Thanks for updating it. Please continue writing it
| The Red Dementor chapter 30 . 2/3
Wow, that was deep.
| i like cheese chapter 30 . 1/31
well, you've gone from a pretty rocky start, a tumble with a rather silly, stupid, and superfluous pre-middle, to quite a good overall story.
| i like cheese chapter 8 . 1/30
well, that was a pretty stupid thing to do to your story.
it wasn't going all that great already what with the way you characterized harry, and then you bring an already defeated opponent back, even stronger than before?
| yankeetiger chapter 30 . 1/31
clifhangers hurt my soul
| timkaylor885 chapter 30 . 1/29