|Reviews for Unearthed|
| OhShirleyUJest chapter 8 . 3/28/2011
I have to wonder what exactly the two orcs (while the third tried really hard not to be noticed) were fighting over. I mean, orcs may be barbaric and like fighting, but they usually do have a reason (albeit most of the time a bad one).
Unless, of course, you're using the encounter to set up something for your bigger plot? I mean, there are a thousand ways you could go from that encounter! Forward scouts having a disagreement (are they a part of Graul's orcs? Or a different Orc nation/band?) or a small, lone band that found something that they all coveted (that perhaps looked innocuous to Bryran)?
Although, our archer getting a bow might be the best outcome, and it could have just been an argument... sometimes my brain just enjoys creating questions about passages.
In fight scenes, to try and make them seem faster and more action packed, you could try using shorter sentences and/or paragraphs. It's kind of like the idea of a figurative "page-turner". Since it takes less time for the readers mind to absorb simpler sentences, the actions in those sentences seem to be, well, faster.
Don't get me wrong, I love your writing style. But, if you want to work on improving the fight scenes, that's one method. It certainly isn't the only way though! I'm finding myself constantly intrigued by the writing you have done so far, and I look forward to whatever is coming next.
p.s. Great job on the descriptions of the two's camaraderie and conversation! I liked it a lot!
| Yulandia chapter 7 . 3/7/2011
alright! Poll answer - Now how about a quickie orc encounter... now that they are feeling better and everything is going smoothly. Or maybe they find a bow?
| BatPhace chapter 6 . 2/19/2011
Woohooo! No more Kellindil worrying for his life. Or, rather, me worrying for his life :o) Woohoo!
| OhShirleyUJest chapter 6 . 2/19/2011
This is great. Maybe it's great because I just got done looking at a massive excel spreadsheet, but still... I think this is the strongest chapter you've written so far. I'm very curious as to where this is going, but I'm sure it's going to be great.
| Yulandia chapter 6 . 2/18/2011
Again great narrative description. Your scenery/background is rich with textures. I like your new character Bryran, and that he can laugh. He seems like a really good guy. The frying pan story was hilarious, as was your last line in this chapter! Kellindil is indeed lucky (um... relatively speaking). I'm looking forward to more of their adventures together. :D
| OhShirleyUJest chapter 5 . 2/13/2011
This chapter was good, and the OC looks like he'll be an interesting read as well. Maybe a little more physical description would have been nice, but I really can't complain seeing as it leaves the future fairly open.
This is starting to get interesting... well, more interesting.
By the way, I've been pronouncing his name Bri-ran (y like I, a like in can)in my head. Is that what you intended? I don't want to mutilate his name too thoroughly while reading...
| OhShirleyUJest chapter 4 . 2/9/2011
Okay, I'm working on "willing suspension of disbelief" over the sparks thing... However, maybe I can chalk it up to "Luck had been with him". Extreme luck. Maybe a miracle, he's probably good enough on some minor diety's list for them to grant him magic wolf tooth sparks in exchange for tormenting him earlier, doncha think? Actually one did...I think I can buy that. I have now made it work in my brain.
Your writing is still clear and descriptive. I'm looking forward to how you handle dialogue when you introduce another character - if what's happened so far is any indication, the dialogue will probably be excellent! And totally don't stress about using OC's. It's exciting! As long as the OC "fits" the world: they sometimes even end up way cooler than cannon characters. There are some good examples over in LOTR among the Silvan elves... and every cannon character at one point was an OC!
Have fun writing!
| Surreptitious Chi X chapter 4 . 2/8/2011
I really like the turn of events where he has shelter and fire and food, and an interesting item for the future (the fang).
I don't know if a wolf tooth and a rock would really make sparks, but I don't mind not knowing the answer to that. I'm too glad that Kellindil has food. ;p
| BatPhace chapter 4 . 2/8/2011
Yay! Kellindil found a hidey hole! :) Good chap. Looking forward to more :)
| Yulandia chapter 3 . 2/4/2011
YAAAY! Thank you for bringing Kellindil back! :) Great narrative and descriptions. Makes it very easy to watch the events unfold. The wolf fight was pretty tense and desperate, and it was good of you to explain why. Hopefully the rest of the pack is far away. Poll answer - please cut our hero a break LOL!
| BatPhace chapter 3 . 2/4/2011
Nice! The fight between the wolf and Kellindil was very well written. I could point out a few plot holes (not anything to do with bite pressure ;) ), but they're not necessary, so I won't :) All in all I think this is turning out well so far. Keep it up!
| OhShirleyUJest chapter 3 . 2/3/2011
I still like it!
Maybe the only real note I have is that the wolf's fangs themselves aren't all that sharp. Instead, it's the amount of pressure they can apply to the fangs that makes them cut well. It's the same deal with human teeth, only wolves jaws are much, much stronger. Basically, human bite pressure is 120 pounds; wolves have about 400 pounds of force. Ironically, 2 pound parrots also have the same bite pressure as 100 pound wolves. Funny world, isn't it?
Our elf might have some difficulty butchering a wolf with it's fangs... Not that it isn't possible - stone-age and even more modern cultures used animal teeth after a little modification - but it is really difficult.
Still, you're doing a great job. The fight scene was good, maybe a little less fluid than your other writing so far - but isn't that the point?
As for whether you should stop tormenting Kellindil, I'm perfectly happy leaving that up to you. I'm looking forward to whatever you try next!
Sorry for the bite pressure nerd out... Your story is still awesome.
| Surreptitious Chi X chapter 1 . 1/27/2011
I think this is really good. And you're right. I was very disgusted when RAS killed Kellindil. It's all part of his usual disaparagement of side characters.
| CarnivorousOak chapter 2 . 1/25/2011
It could be interesting to see where this goes. I was also very disappointed when Kellindil died, so I'm glad to see him here.
| Elusive Kite chapter 2 . 1/25/2011
Hello again, like I wrote before I'm still here to read your story. Since English is not my mother tongue I'm not here to list your grammar errors or such (certainly I'm not qualified for it XD) but I can say that your writing is smooth and easy to understand. Now I can't wait to see what's up next for our Kellindil, what will happen to him or whom he will meet.