|Reviews for Falling Down (2016 Version)|
| XxR.BxX chapter 1 . 1/10
Can I translate it in french? I'll credit you
| lunarotimas chapter 10 . 8/30/2016
Quite a lovely read. Read it strait through. There are a few little spelling things. "Passed" is "pasted" twice being the most notable.
You originally wrote it 2011? It's good to rewrite though. I enjoyed it lots, I've been having trouble holding interest in a lot of fanfics but, it had a really good flow.
| embersofalice chapter 10 . 8/8/2015
Omg u have 2 continue this. It is really cool, and I would enjoy reading about how the rest of the day goes.
| Cagholino chapter 10 . 1/16/2015
Best ending ever! So seriously! Where do babies come from?! Priceless!
| Cagholino chapter 1 . 1/16/2015
One word V: Aaaawwwww!
| The Sandman's Daughter chapter 10 . 9/4/2013
Babe, this story was perf! And totally hilarious, you need a Beta bad. Email me sometime if you want/are interested: rape. me. sebby gmail .com (just remove the spaces, and yes that is really honestly one of my many emails! XD)
For real though, loooooved this story!
| jj chapter 10 . 7/2/2013
| Nitishu chapter 6 . 4/7/2013
lol "blue" i love the reaction XD
| Nitishu chapter 3 . 4/7/2013
OMG SELENA XD
| Nitishu chapter 2 . 4/7/2013
'with a smile that only he has seen and he leaves my room and I go pick up my laptop.'
...Shiitttt! You just killed some puppies :P
| Cathrinejennings2015 chapter 10 . 3/10/2013
| Bananawings72 chapter 2 . 8/9/2012
your fanfiction makes me so happy.
I'm not a fan of Twilight or Selena Gomez, but for me it only adds a touch of comedy to an angsty story. So I hope you don't get offended when I say your story made me laugh out loud a couple times, because I'm truly enjoying it.
And the one line in the first chapter explaining how Tea had given Ryou a hug and then disappeared, priceless! What a perfectly easy yet genius way to get rid of an annoying female character.
| punkfluff chapter 10 . 8/8/2012
Great story. :)
| Guest chapter 10 . 7/26/2012
Alright, grammar nazi/constructive criticism rant time. Hi there, friend, it's me, your "Almost-as-bad-but-not-exactly-the-worst-you-could-have" nightmare. Yes, i am here to criticize the holy shit out of you(in the best, most friendly way possible, mind you.).
First things first, this is something that i've seen many people on fanfiction do-you ramble. A lot. And in some situations, rambling a little bit is okay, but only when you're going into lots of detail about something-but even that has a limit. You, however, make rambling a habit, and not in a good way. Your rambling would not have been too bad if it wasn't for another factor; Never-ending sentences. Your sentences are ramble-paragraphs on their own, and when-and if- they do end, your readers(specifically me) are left with a sense of confusion and/or misunderstanding. By the end of the first chapter, i had absolutely NO idea what was going on except for the few things i may or may not have caught.
Now, in my experience as a reader, i can tell you in confidence that we are LAZY AS FUCK. I mean DAMN, if you want us to read stuff, you have to make it as easy as possible. That is another problem you have. Your parts are all squished together in something i like to call "walls of text". Now when a reader(me, for example) clicks on a fiction and sees these previously mentioned "walls of text", their actions go pretty much like this:
1: sees wall of text
2: tries to decipher 1-3 sentences
3: Gives up
4: deems wall of text unimportant
5: Skips through wall of text, scanning to find important information
6: when small amount of information is slightly absorbed, moves on
Yes, writer. This is what happens. Thus your readers retain little to no information, and are severely confused later when they find a smaller paragraph and decide to actually put forth the effort needed to read the thing. So, with your infinite amount of walls of text, what do you think happens?
That's right, bad things. The best thing to do if you find yourself writing walls of text is, wait for it...SEPARATE THE PARAGRAPH INTO SMALLER ONES.
Here's a good thing to know: Readers who see walls of text look for dialogue to ground themselves in the plot. If you can't figure out how to separate a wall of text effectively, look for all the dialogue in your text and give the dialogue it's own line. For example:
""Finally, she made her life-changing decision. She was going to obey her everlasting principle; when in doubt, haul ass. She adjusted her messenger bag, which extended from her left shoulder to her right hip, where it hung, black, old and droopy, with faded silver sharpie notes decorating the front. She took a deep breath, sparing one last glare at the accursed front gates -which were laughing maliciously in her head- , and turned away from the school. She took one fateful step from her personal hell...
And was promptly grabbed by the strap of her messenger bag ('Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!' she quoted in her head.) and forced to walk backwards into the school. Her dramatic in-mind farewell to the outside world was punctured repeatedly by the person dragging her to her impending doom, who was loudly chastising Lily for her attempted escape.
"Honestly, Lil', you can't be serious. Is this what you did on your first day of middle school? Of course it's not! What's the difference between high school and middle school?"
Lily crossed her arms and scowled, walking backwards expertly as she was dragged into the school, the doors of the front gates closing, signifying that she was in the school grounds. Lily could just hear them cheering evilly over their evilly evil triumph.""
In this excerpt from chapter one of "Life's an Adventure"(by CaellumAstrum on fictionpress) the paragraphs all flow well, and sometimes the dialogue is separated from the paragraphs, to make them easy to find and easier to understand. While some of the dialogue is kept in the paragraphs, this is done for a reason.
The reason is to keep the dialogue with the paragraph that explains what it is about, and the paragraph has detail cut in the middle of what the character is saying, which in this case the cut-ins explain what the character is doing while speaking. This emphasizes their words more effectively. I believe this is a very good tactic.
Another -smaller- problem i had with your writing was the fact that you tend to say too much in one sentence, and in your haste to say everything, you forget grammar, spelling, and punctuation. i suggest you use spell check, but can't give too much advice beyond that besides to watch yourself and keep track of everything you're saying.
Lastly, (yes, I'm almost done. You can sigh in relief now) your characterization for ALL the characters leaves much to be desired. Kaiba should be grumpy and very egoistical, usually denying that he's actually a pretty good guy. Pretty much, he should be a Tsundere. For Joey, i can see why you made him a little bit girly(i do that whenever i picture a slash couple, the bottom will be a bit girly, even if they're not girly in real-life), as he is the bottom in the relationship AND he was kinda abused for a long time, but you should have slowly brought out the outgoing, quick to anger, spirited guy Joey is in the series.
I liked the wise Mokuba thing, but the Noah thing was a bit weird. Did you purposely make Noah Joey's younger brother just so that you could pair him with Mokuba, or was it just a misinformation thing on your part? Honestly, last time i checked, Noah was the blood son of Mokuba and Kaiba's adoptive father... Or maybe my information is wrong? I don't think so, but it may be. None the less, i was sort of confused on that plot twist there.
Anyway, i won't rant at you any longer. Thanks in advance for reading this(if you ever get to it. I understand. I ranted about walls of text, and yet here i am, pelting one at you. I wouldn't want to tackle it either.), and I'm sorry if i came off as mean or rude. I often do that accidentally. So i apologize for that, but i really mean no harm. I apologize if you feel insulted or wronged, or anything negative from this whole review, and know that i really just want to help out.
I don't claim to be an expert, nor do i say that I'm the best writer out there. I think I'm okay at it, but I don't think I'm in any position to boast my skills, and I'm sure that if you worked at it, you'll be way better a writer then I will ever be. I like your ideas, and I'm definitely going to read all of your stories, old or new, so good luck, and i hope to read moer great stuff from you soon!
Thanks for reading this and hopefully not hating me,
P.S. My user name is Hinamori-nee-san, but i was too lazy to log in. I'd love to hear a reply to this, even if it's angry and hateful. Luvz
| SailorDeathMoon chapter 10 . 7/24/2012
So I just now read this but it was bloody brilliant! You could quickly become my next favorite author on here! Your currently in second place beaten Only by SailorChibi! But dont worry keep writing stories like this and that won't last long! This was a true work of art! Your probably the best Puppyshipping writer on here! Thx for being bloody EFFIN amazing! I love how you incorporated Noah, Jaden, and Yusei into the story! I'm looking forward to more great work from you!