|Reviews for The Mouse of Konoha|
| crocket chapter 23 . 10/8
| ADriftingCloud chapter 23 . 10/2
Have you thought about how much longer you want to go on? When will it end?
| Dazzle chapter 23 . 9/30
This is a really fun read. Cheers!
| jumping-jo chapter 23 . 9/23
this is an awesome story...love his first ninja meeting- I really hope he has to defend his first lesson teacher against someone for some reason.
also love how he is pairing up with all the clans and how they are all falling for his charm
| vysirez chapter 23 . 9/23
So I like your story fairly well. A bit slow, but since I just discovered it, it's not a big problem since you have a lot written so far. I have struggled a bit here and there, simply due to the age you have Naruto doing various things. Of course that isn't exactly your fault, it's part and parcel of Naruto fanfictions.
One of the issues with the Naruto mange/anime, and so with Naruto fan fics, is the age issue. Because the show was aimed at kids and then teens eventually, they started the protagonists way to young. They became genin at 12 or so which means they started the academy by 8-9. This is carefully ignored in the show and there is a lot of hand waving and effort to ignore the fact that Kohona and the other villages are training 8-9 y/o kids to kill people. It only barely works in cannon because a lot of care is taken to avoid killing people. The only ones who really kill early on are crazies. So it's just barely possible to ignore the ages of the characters. Beyond the wrongness of training children that young to be killers, you would end up with a lot of crazy ninja's by the time they are adults. And not the amusing crazy you show here in your story, but the serial killer kind of crazy.
So because of the age of the average genin, this forces the really cool/special ones to be even younger. Which leads to stupidity like Itachi supposedly running around killing grown trained men at age 4-6. It's just dumb, not to mention horribly wrong, but also simply implausible.
So because of the issue with canon, this forces your story to tilt into implausibility as well. Not as bad as 4 y/o killers, but still a stretch. It's also made harder by the fact that you are trying to make it more realistic. This however calls further attention to the age issue because it makes it harder to ignore his age when you are forcing him into very adult situations. This leads to my unhappiness with the last couple chapters.
Like some have said, I'm a bit confused by the extreme reaction to Naruto stealing the test answers. It's nothing different then anything he has done in the past. The bunk about ego makes no sense. They have been pushing him to cheat and excel for years, it makes no sense to suddenly punish him for it. Really, I'm not seeing his ego, it's no different then what he has been doing in the past. Almost every single infiltration job he has done so far has been motivated by self interest in some way, so I don't see how this is any different.
Sarutobi's answers in chapter 23 don't help. Oh, you impressed me so much, I decided that I should reward you with some severe psychological torture designed to push adults to the breaking point. We will just ignore the fact you are 9. We will also ignore the fact you have an almost unstoppable demon locked up inside you. Yes, your Naruto has done some extraordinary things, but that doesn't change the fact he's 9. I don't see them sending him out of the village on missions until he's a genin, so whatever threats you might feel he needs to be prepared for eventually, there is still a number of years before you have to push him to the edge.
The test situation should really have just been a counseling situation, the risk vs reward just doesn't pan out. There was no real reason Naturo needed to go through the Frightener at 9. They could have let him develop a bit more before risking breaking him. The problem is the risk is far too high. No matter how impressed you are with Naruto's abilities, the risk of him breaking, or deciding he's been betrayed one too many times are far too huge for whatever minimal benefits you get from putting him through the frightener this early.
One last slightly related note, throughout the story, Sarutobi, and other ninjas, talk just a bit too often about how ninja's have to expect to give everything for their village, and make hard decisions. He might bad mouth Danzo and ROOT in his head, but it seems like every 3rd thing he says is talking about how Naruto has to be ready to sacrifice everything and anything for the village. I mean, I'm not really seeing what makes the village actually worth all that sacrifice.
Sorry if the review is mostly complaints. A lot of my reviews seem to end up this way. I liked the story quite a bit, hence why I read all 500k words. I just had a few things that seemed off, and some of them seem to be getting a bit worse and not better. I hope my comments are at least a bit useful, they are intended to be constructive.
| Guest chapter 14 . 9/16
I've been noticing this is extremely prevalent in your writing, but tone down the weabooness. Using random Japanese (often incorrect Japanese, which is worse) here and there doesn't add to the quality or authenticity of the work, it merely distracts people. Especially worse when you actually flip-flop between using English and Japanese for the same word. Words like jutsu and Hokage and stuff that don't translate well or are so prevalent and key to the work are fine, but don't have people randomly going "hai" or "gomen". Wouldn't have said anything, but Danzo calling Fire Country "Hi no Kuni" when you've clearly used the English name for it before just broke the dam, and I had to speak up.
| Guest chapter 14 . 9/16
This is why I try to hold off writing fanfiction for uncompleted series. The series gets completed, loose ends get tied up, and look at that! That clever little plot twist thing you wrote suddenly gets all sorts of hard denied by canon. In this case, the fact that Rin is A) not an Inuzuka, and B) in no possible way alive. Don't blame you though, this story was written years before we got any concrete details on her or her fate. It's an interesting twist, at any rate.
| Guest chapter 7 . 9/14
Hmm, this keeps popping up, so I don't know if you simply made a mistake or you're implying that even in-universe they didn't know the truth. Mu has a chakra system. He's just really really good at concealing it when he wants to.
| Esciam chapter 1 . 9/13
I just want to say Im a little picky in my choises on fanfiction (Im a latinamerican with a terrible english, too) but your story make me continue to reading. So, thanks you for keep write it. Its beautifull who Konoha and her people come to life in your story!
| RebeliousOne chapter 6 . 9/8
Another interesting chapter. I need to get some sleep and I most likely won't have a chance to read more for a couple of days. Please keep writing this.
| RebeliousOne chapter 5 . 9/8
Love the way that ended. The last line is something I was surprised that Naruto didn't do in canon early on, henge as someone else so he can buy clothing and food. So the training begins, huh? It's sage to say that his classmates will be impressed, those from the clans anyway. Something tells me that his Naruto won't have a crush on Sakura or any one else from a civilian backround. The clans, most of them, are at least indifferent.
| RebeliousOne chapter 4 . 9/8
I can't wait to see the fallout of Naruto having Anko as a sensei this early on. :)
| RebeliousOne chapter 3 . 9/8
Hopefully Anko is forced to train him as punishment for a time. I love it that Naruto is learning so much without being undermined like he was in canon in the Academy.
| RebeliousOne chapter 2 . 9/7
Starting early in his training can only help. Hopefully training hard will calm him enough (not too calm) so he can at least to OK in the book work. I'd hate it if he was dead last now that he is trying so hard from the time he was 4! That's on par with clan brats! Even better in some cases. The best part for me is the life lessons that he is applying from a young age. He won't be naive like he was in canon. This should change things.
| RebeliousOne chapter 1 . 9/7
Excellent story. Very rarely do fics have Naruto find a way to better himself before the Academy so it will be interesting to see what team he'll be on since I highly doubt he'll be dead last. Also, the fact that he is working for his training and supplies is a great idea. That will also win him respect with some ninja that were indifferent to him before.