|Reviews for Damsel in Distress|
| person D chapter 6 . 8/31/2014
Beautiful and amazing, up until the part that always makes me tear up. Keep being amazing.
| Guest chapter 6 . 8/22/2011
i think your story could use more lily/james interaction. they are head boy and girl
| Guest chapter 6 . 8/22/2011
I would of liked the story a lot more if you used proper capitalization.
| limping llama chapter 6 . 4/1/2011
The writing itself isn't actually bad...
-Capitalization. That's the thing that annoys me the most. Punctuation could be better, too. When you do a grammar check, those colored squiggly lines aren't for decoration, darling. Option~ get a beta and a decent grammar check. I mean, at least look over it.
-OOC. Lily isn't like that. A bit nerdy, probably. She's a bit more fiery, and her feelings for James aren't like that. James is a bit more obnoxious because he asks Lily out a lot, and is definitely more arrogant. They do get together because they're like, soul mates. :)
-Fluency. The phrasing and sentence fluency is a bit awkward, to put it lightly. Uncomfortable. Yes, that's the way to describe that.
-Following the actual story. The Voldemort scene is all wrong. Did you actually look at the book when writing it?
-Description. Hmmm, just casually add that in.
Please think about it. Your writing isn't bad, it's just grammatical errors and fluency make me want to hurl. Keep writing, though. Just get a proper beta that's not an idiotic "your story is amazing!" fangirl, but an actual, proper one. Good luck, darling. -BR
| Ms. Allycat89 chapter 6 . 2/9/2011
So, this was...not the greatest story ever written. And that's me being nice. I'll try to be as gentle as I can, so bare with me here.
First, punctuation. It needs some work done. A lot of work, in fact. Though, to be fair, your spelling isn't that bad. Believe me, I've seen MUCH worse. I didn't find many mistakes in that area.
Second, you should probably get your facts right before you start writing. I mean, Voldemort didn't die the night he tried to kill Harry. And Lily didn't use Expelliarmus to defend herself and Harry. She was offered the chance to live, but she refused and was killed.
Third, your characters need more depth. I mean, try to expand on their development a little more. Also, description. Try to describe things in more detail. (I don't mean overdo it, but finding that balance is necessary.)
My final critique, is maybe you should look for a beta. A beta will help with punctuation, grammar, spelling, plot inconsistencies, and can even help you if you get writer's block (which all writers get at some point in their career).
I hope I didn't seem too rude. I tried to be as nice and gentle as I could.
P.S. Okay, this is my final advice. KEEP WRITING. Don't let these issues get in your way of becoming an author. The more you write, the better you become. I mean, even J.K. Rowling's writing improved over time. And so can you. So please, don't stop writing. :)
| ilovefanfiction97 chapter 6 . 2/1/2011
AAAAAAAH HOW COULD YOU? VOLDEMORT DIED INTO COMPLETE NOTHINGNESS? LILY'S LOVE LEFT THE LIGHTING SCAR? JAMES WAS IN HARRY'S ROOM? HE TRIED TO KILL HARRY FIRST? NOOOOO! THAT'S ALL WRONG!
I apologize profusely for being so picky, but I mean, its their DEATH scene for crying out loud! Please please please at least have enough respect to get it right!
Voldemort didn't die. He lost his body. His soul was completely intact, and so was his spirit.
This is how the scene actually played out according to the book/movies:
James and Lily heard the door open, both were in their sitting room/living room/parlor...whatever. James told Lily to run, and that he would hold Voldemort off. James dies first while Lily runs to Harry's room. Voldemort tells Lily to back off and then kills her when she doesn't. He THEN goes on to attempt to kill Harry, but Lily's sacrifice causes his soul to split into two pieces. One escapes and one goes into Harry, making him a Horcrux.
Overall though, I liked the story a lot. I just dislike the fact that you got the death scene wrong...
| ilovefanfiction97 chapter 5 . 2/1/2011
Ok. A couple of things.
1. How do you ball dance to Lady Gaga? I'm not hating, its just an honest question. Like, which song did you have in mind when writing this?
Now, onto the reaaaal review stuff:
2. Butterbeer has no alcoholic content whatsoever. Only House Elves get drunk on butterbeer. Firewhiskey, however, is a different story. In any case, I don't think that Dumbledore would approve of having Firewhiskey in a school event. :D But that's not really a big deal haha.
3. The whole "i love you and i would die for you" thing sort of came out of nowhere. I was just like..WTF? She loves him? When did this happen?
4. I'm pretty sure that Sirius wouldn't try to hit on Lily...because...I think guys have some sort of rule against that...hitting on the love of their best friend's life...its gotta be taboo somewhere :D
Overall though, I think its a good story, but develop the characters more before you get to life altering confessions of love. :D
| purple chapter 1 . 1/28/2011