|Reviews for Pokemon Heroes: Uprising|
| Kiwami no Sengoku chapter 18 . 9/24/2011
Okay then, I mentioned to you that I have some issues about this chapter when I sent you the edited version but I'll get to that later. Let's start with the positives.
The transition between the scenes was again pretty good. In my opinion, I prefer the scenes that focus on the Sinnoh protagonists... away from all the military mumbo-jumbo. I made a lot more effort editing the scenes involving Riley and his Pokemon actually. The fact that the scenes involve battle between Pokemon is the reason I enjoyed them.
The fight scene between the PRC and AC was kinda overwhelming for me to properly edit but I tried my best. Despite that, it was and extremely epic scene nonetheless. There were plenty of explosions, bombs, ordnance(whatever they are) and more importantly, dramatic speeches.
Now then, here's the negatives. First and foremost, they were issues with the grammar. I'm not saying that your grammar is bad. Far from it. Your grammar is great but you seem to struggle with those small mistakes.
For example, you do not start a sentence with 'but' and 'because'. Instead, make a habit of using 'however' and 'since'. Besides that, the mistake below is quite possibly the most prevalent in your story.
* ... is mines!
I found this mistake about three times while editing this chapter. I even found it in your previous chapters. The correct way of typing it is:-
* ... is mine!
The next thing I have an issue with were the characters' speech patterns. The characters tend to speak extremely long sentences in a very bizarre and dramatic fashion. It was like I was ready a melodramatic novel or something. I'm fine with that but I feel that those long-winded speeches are very unnecessary; leave them to the megalomaniacs. For example, this sentence managed to get a laugh out of me.
* ...Haxorus, use Dragon Tail and send your opponent flying while she is preoccupied with trying to fight out of your grasp and await my further commands and orders.
...Let's be honest. Do you really the bad guys have time to showcase some very high-class vocabulary when face-to-face with the enemy? You should have kept it sweet and simple like:-
* ...Haxorus, use Dragon Tail to send your opponent flying and await further commands.
One of your main strengths as a writer is your decription but you seem to don't know when to stop. You feel a need to prolong every sentence which would sometimes confuse people. It has gotten to a point where a paragraph would only consist of one or two sentences. For example:-
* ...The Rhyperiors growled as they exerted their enormous strength and began to fire off Rock Wrecker attacks, hoping to use their projectiles as a method of missile interception, with the Aggrons and Tyranitars bravely switching their offensives into a defensive manoeuvre as they shielded their human partners with their hulking bodies, as their bodies were naturally resistant to shrapnel or explosive-type attacks.
The above example is the second sentence in a two-sentence paragraph located near the end of the chapter. You're using too many commas and too much 'as'.
Desription is good but too much description can overcomplicate a story real fast. Take a step back and mix it up with shorter sentences. If you already provided an explanation about a certain event, there's no need for you to give us more explanation than necessary.
Overall, it was enjoyable chapter but the over description left much to be desired. This chapter gets a 6.5/10, taking the mistakes I encountered into account. Gomen.
In any case, I look forward to the next chapter.
| shadowrallen chapter 8 . 9/23/2011
activate PMX-448 Lucario mecha battle suit! will you please do it for a loyal fan?
| shadowrallen chapter 7 . 9/21/2011
cool cool cool!
| Flemderp chapter 17 . 9/9/2011
sorry for the late review, but my pc was doing annoying and unfortunately it crashed, forcing me to do this on my psp which has a very small amount of text so i'm keeping this short.
i loved seeing the sinnoh characters again and lol i love flygon, to bad it's on the bad side. overal very good chapter :)
| Kiwami no Sengoku chapter 17 . 8/22/2011
Since I've beta-read this chapter, I think this chapter should be clear of any mistakes grammar-wise but I'm not too sure. After all, there shall always be a better beta reader out there.
First of all, I'm glad that you switched the scenario back to Sinnoh protagonists as they've been left out for quite a while. Through my experience beta reading this chapter, I find it to be quite enjoyable. The transition between the different scenes of the chapter was very smooth.
To be honest, I did not really play close attention to all the military terms because it is rather a hassle for me to research about them. I thought that you created Havoc but I guess I was wrong. I see no problem in you taking stuff from other games/anime and incorporating them into your story. Just don't go overboard because there's a chance that the Pokemon theme of this story might take a back seat to the Command & Conquer theme.
The aerial battle between the three Flygon and the F-22 Raptor pilots was a rather... enthralling scene. Erm..., that's all I can comment about that scene. I prefer the Garchomp vs Hydreigon scene compared to the former scene. Though the battle was kinda short, it was quite epic and thrilling.
Nice chapter overall but again, all the military terms and array of different war machines kinda soured the reading experience because my understanding of them is rather dismal. Taking into account some of the mistakes I found while beta reading this chapter, I'll give this piece of the puzzle a 7.5/10. Quite a respectable score.
Can't wait to receive and read the next chapter earlier than the other readers. Hehe. Again, I hope that 'they' are in that chapter.
| Owner Pwner Dashie chapter 17 . 8/22/2011
Hey Soldier! Yay, another chapter, and thanks for continuing on Riley's part of the story. I almost forgot a little bit about it, so thanks for.. ..making me remember it again.
So, now there's rangers with weapons? I guess rangers can kill things... well, at least in this story. And how do you know sooo much about the military.. Like the sayings that they sometimes say, and the names of air crafts. You know, stuff like that. Though you ARE 'SOLDIER of the Future' so that's probably why.
So the Obelisk sounds dangerous.. I wonder what's inside. What... lurks. But I don't want to wait another month for another update... I want to know nowwww *starts crying like a baby*. Uh.. ya.
Haha, Havoc can cause havoc... Or did you name him that for that same joke... Hmm, I wonder.
Anyways, another great chapter soldier (should I call you ranger instead? It sounds cooler lol..). I'll be looking forward to your next chapter like usual. YOU BETTER NOT KEEP ME WAITING! ...Just kidding
-Owner Pwner 380
| Loquacious Sesquipedalian chapter 17 . 8/22/2011
Hmm an obelisk that drains the life force of nature... Where have I heard that one before. ;D
Pretty good fight at the end, you're pretty good at writing those. What could be inside this "Obelisk of oppression"? pretty clever name there.
| MegaAuthor chapter 17 . 8/22/2011
Been up all night writing my fic when a pin from my messenger regarding your fic drove me to read it. Either I have a mix feelings about this current fic, or I'm damn sleepy, perhaps even both.
Riley discover Gallade's identity. Case close people, no need to look it up; its one of those Pokemon Special. Little wonder how many more Special character will end up being a pokemon. For all we know, we already have Ash turn to a pokemon, and Leon as a legendary pokemon. Pokemorph needs a new direction.
OMG, another Command and Conquer character, this time Havoc makes an appearance. Good god I swear this fic is becoming a multiple crossover fic. Don't get me wrong, I like seeing how many character you can throw in, Soldier. But by Odin's White Fluffy Beard no more cameo from other video games! If this keeps up, this fic will be in Multitude of crossover! We already have Command and Conquer, Metal Slug, Metroid, Advance Wars, DOOM and other random things you might throw in later! Came up with a new character assosiate with pokemon is easy! Throw in John Doe and his army of Rattata! GENERIC!
F-22 Raptor in pokemon world... WOW. If an M1-Abram makes an appearance I'll be banging my head right now. We already have overly powerful pokemon (one that can end all known universe no less!) and yet humanity in the Pokemon World still utilize modern day armored tanks and aircraft, and to top it off, these are young kids driving those expensive planes! I can see it now; 10 year old Ranger, commanding an Army of Apache leading his army to victory. I really need to stay off the bat while I'm at it.
FINALLY, a pokemon battle! That's the sole reason why this fic needs! POKEMON BATTLE! Certain number of these pokemon is completely ALIEN to me (I stop playing Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver, and haven't touch Black and White) so Generation V Pokemon to me is just what it is; a Pokemon, with new makeup. Don't get me wrong, I like how Garchomp fiercely fought this Hydreigon pokemon (sounds like a mix of Hydra and Dragon... in fact, it really does!), it is just that I'm not too familiar with Generation V. Unova must be a swell place to have such a pokemon that NO ONE KNOWS OFF XD
It is good that now you have a Beta Reader, especially from a guy who write a pokemon fic, (I've seen his work, but I never did leave any review due to the complex characters which is rather alien and heavy use of Generation V pokemon) still thumbs up to you man!
I have to say, this fic should have been higher on the list, but due to so many crossover character here, I'll say 6.5 out of 10. Sorry buddy. Really, REALLY sorry.
| MountainLord-92 chapter 16 . 8/21/2011
my thoughts as they come:
It is strange that annie and oakley are thanking the pilots for a smooth ride, considering that they dont seem to be the sort of people to say thank you to anyone for anything.
'To their experiences, not even an airport security check was this tedious and time-consuming' they've clearly never flown with ryanair then. lol
unless i am mistaken, i have been lead to believe that team rocket never disbanded in the anime and that Ash was Red. seems strange for you to have these aspects of the game in a fanfiction based around the anime.
'Many Rocket grunts threw their uniforms away and attempted to start a new life after the dissolving of Team Rocket, while the elites and officers of the organization also deserted and decided to live the fancy life with their hard-earned cash under a new identity, abandoning their personas during their days in the Rockets. This made Giovanni rage.' well what did he expect them to do? their organisiation had collapsed around them you cant really expect them to stay part of an organisation that didnt exist anymore.
grape wine? all wines are made of grapes arent they?
i never played metroid so dont fully understand the references but it seems clever how you integrate deoxys in it all. there are a few typos but i find that there always are, its up to the author to cut those out and he/she cant spot them all. you still, i feel, unneccisarily add an s on the end of mine ("mines friend's") which is grammatically incorrect in my eyes, is it an equivalent to "my friend's" in america?
other than all that it is good.
| Owner Pwner Dashie chapter 16 . 7/31/2011
Hi Soldier! Sorry for not reviewing this fanfic... I tried to read all of it ONLY on my 3DS... Ya, it takes quite a bit of time. Anyways, I'm looking forward to your next chapter soldier! Owner Pwner 380
| Flemderp chapter 16 . 7/25/2011
damn it took me way to long before being able to review. but yeah, i finally got to it.
well this chapter was different than the others, but it does give a lot of info why the UAAF and team rocket teamed up.
i was kinda shocked when Annie interrupted Donald like that. i've always seen Annie as the calmer one and Oakley as the one that is the one you better not mess with. but i guess that's mostly because it was Oakley who lost her self control with the DMA.
so they didn't even got any punishment at all? guess that's a advantage when you're one of the best agents xP wow i never realized that Team Rocket or the UAAF would just kill anyone at spot, even while they where completely evil. thaha, if Annie and Oakley would have carried guns in the fifth movie(the anime itself) it would have been a lot easier for them and they would have probaly failed also.
you followed the pokemon game xP and Donald Zetta saves Team Rocket from complete downfall... Team Rocket with the commanders, officers and stuff, while the UAAF takes care of the fundings and protection of all his highest commanders. i really like the history between the two criminal groups, and how they got together as one operation.
Giovanni wasn't so pleased with his overly detailed version of what happened in Altomare. i found it rather funny because they even continued making small jokes between it xP once again no punishment... and that from Giovanni? weird... but yeah, you can't afford to lose your best agents. but i thought they would have at least done some way to exhausting training as punishment, or something incredoubly stupid.
They where damn lucky that Latios and Latias weren't strong when they attacked. if Latios would have been at the power he has now, they would have had a very bad time. Luster purge...one of the most amazing attacks, at least to my opinion. and i'm getting angry at the anime, they shouldn't have killed Latios, he was such a great character, even though we couldn't understand anything from it. it was just sooo sad when he died :s but you brought him back alive xP
what the? DEOXIS! DONALD IS A DEOXIS! didn't see that one coming at all xP wow... so an evil Deoxis with the power with virus is causing all of this? lol i can't get over the fact he's a Deoxis xP
he killed all those Latis? someone point a gun at his head and pull the trigger...that guy is gonna pay for killing all those eon pokemon if Latias and Latios ever find out. and i think that Ash, Leon and Rain will be more than welcome to help them out... although Ash would probably never kill and i don't think that anyone would want to force him into taking his innocent character away. i mean, it wouldn't be Ash anymore.
well this was one informative chapter, but i liked it a lot. it was a little add to the story to make it all more better xP uhm...i don't even know Metroid so i'm not going to say a thing about that xP see you next chapter! keep up the amazing work!
| MegaAuthor chapter 16 . 7/24/2011
History of hate eh? Something tells me this chapter will give rise to some gap on a number of characters. We still see Red being mention, but does Giovanni have his data?
Both Annie and oakley were given rather plesant time being lectured by Donald, as the evil warmonger describe the mission as a acception 'strategic failure' due to having corrupt pokemon not on full power; Donald knows this, and has pardon the two agents without a fuse. Now we can assume Donald's hard working scientist gets the punishment instead :P
If that's not scary enough, both girls (is it right to call them girls?) have to meet up with Giovanni, of all people. Good thing that Giovanni didn't sentence them to death (quick, hide the kids! hehehehehe) but instead are command to recall their moment on Alto Mare gives way to their past in their view. I still find the FAIL factor hover on their head when they mention the bedtime story to Giovanni regarding about the two legendary pokemon (which most people on the Poke world should know... except for Ash, who is a dimwit fellow -.-")
LOL, Giovanni notice Ash's history and his not-so impressive team and yet the dimwit encounter countless legendary pokemon, many of which he never heard from. Leon data however is stunning; while not as any impressive as Ash, he can fly a jet plane, wall-jumping and uses weaponry in his tender age? Someone needs to check this guy now; pronto! And LOL, how on earth Giovanni be afaid of Raine? I know that she has really powerful pokemon, but still, come on! She's just a little kid! XD
I knew it, Donald is a pokemon; an evil pokemon named Deoxy!(grabs Masterball just in cause)
Today's story is long and informed, but now I'm rather curious what's happening to Gallade and the gang. I'm not a Metroid fan, so I'll just say it has too much reference to a game I'm not familiar too.
You sir, earn 7.5/10.0
| Owner Pwner Dashie chapter 15 . 7/21/2011
Nice story Soldier! Though I didn't really like the chapters 8-9, mostly 9... Like in the biginning it was... AWESOME! Like... awesome awesome. But then, as I said, during around chapter 9, It kinda got boring. Like, this is my opinion. I don't mean to say something like 'EWW! this sucks', or something like that. I'm just saying it wasnt the best chapter I've ever read, and it's just my opinion. Though, overall, it was an awesome story.
The one and only thing that I didn't like about this, was the fact of Latios being Bianca's pokemon. I'm not really the biggest fan for her... but even if I was, I probably wound not like it. In my opinion, it... it just doesn't seem right. Again, I'm just saying my opinion here, as it IS your story.
I didn't really count this as something i don't like, but I DID happen to find quite a lot of mistakes in this story... They're not that major on a priority list, but it's still something that will have to be fixed..
Anyway, I'm happy I just by chance found this story and disided to read it, cause it as worth it. I'm now looking forward to another update for this story!
Owner Pwner 380
P.S. Sorry, but in my opinion, ARCEUS-master's story is still better.
| Kiwami no Sengoku chapter 15 . 7/17/2011
Hey there. Finally got some time to review since I'm having my mid-semester break.
This chapter had a lighthearted tone to it just like the previous one with the exception of the ending but I'll get to that later.
There's not really much to comment about this chapter. The scenes were okay and quite descriptive if not a little boring but it's fine seeing as there will be some action in the coming chapters.
I'm really not a big fan of the 'Ash-being-dense-about-love' concept. I know that this fiction and all but he's already sixteen-years-old. I'm fine with him not noticing a girl's feelings but him not knowing what a girlfriend is? That idea is rather far-fetched and quite annoying, at least in my opinion.
I bet Latios enjoyed being a drill sergeant but it was rather pitiful that he can't even manage to do ten push-ups. Guess he should've paid more attention to his physical capabilities. I also noticed that Latios stated that he is incapable of reading the minds of those with dark hearts. I guess he will have a hard time fully trusting Zephyr, Terios and Xander since their hearts are full of darkness.
There was nice amount of angst coming from Krakatoa/Jimmy but I doubt he'll let the atrocities that the UAAF and Team Rocket did affect him too severely. If he loses himself, he'd be glad to know that there will be two Legendaries(and one Legendary-hybrid) to restrain him.
This time, I found some mistakes. Here they are:-
* One would say he is dimwitted...
* ...he believed himself that he wasn't up for the task of commanding a divine being.
* That Pokémon is evil reincarnated!
* ...also dumbfounded for fainting himself for pushing his limits too far.
* "Give me 30 pushups right now!"
* ...sunshine and lollipops.
* This is considered kid's play."
* Quite scary if you come to think of it.
Here are the corrections:-
* One would say he was dimwitted...
* ...he believed himself to be incapable of commanding such a divine and majestic being.
* That Pokémon is evil incarnate!
* ...also dumbfounded for fainting as well. He/Pikachu guessed that it was probably due to the fact that he pushed himself to the absolute limit, not to mention that Tobias's Latios's attacks were anything but soft.
* "Give me 30 push-ups right now!"
* ...sunshine and rainbows.
* This is considered child's play."
* Quite scary if you think about it.
This chapter gets a 7/10. The mistakes and the lightheartedness of the chapter contributed to the loss of those three marks but don't take it seriously. It was still a pretty nice chapter. It just came down to personal preferences.
A good rule of thumb is that when you put numbers in a sentence, if the number is below 11, then you have to write them in words. If the number is above 11, then retain its form.
Also, I think Levis would be a good name for the new addition to Zephyr's group.
Can't wait to see him back in action.
| MountainLord-92 chapter 15 . 7/8/2011
my thoughts as they come again:
i had expected this to be a chapter based in Leon's past explaining what had happened to the rest of his Ranger division. i hope you dont leave us completely in the dark about that.
'Hey, care to explain what's a girlfriend?'. i dont think Ash would be that niave, he is 17 after all.
someone stupid can resist mind control? how does that work? surely they are more susceptible to mind powers
'when that pink-haired woman says "we hope to see you again" does it mean she WANTS us to get hurt?' about time someone pointed that out. i used to go to a doctor who would say: 'Hope i dont see you again.' which seems much more appropriote but is much colder and less personal, though he did say it as a joke.
i am seing a lot of the word 'mine' with an 's' added to the end for no apparent reason. there are too many instances for it to be dismissed as a typo. is this another part of american grammer that i have not come across before? (and 'i could care less' irritates me enough as it is)
'Their scientists could be considered smart if they managed to recognize the color of Rubineum, a rare type of mineral closely related to the ruby due to its crimson-colored presentation, which was often sold for high prices on the rich man's market' i dont understand what this sentance is talking about. is there a precious stone nearby that they have missed or what?
I look forward to the next chapter, i am eager to find out what lies deep in the heart of mt. Moon. It has been a while since we have seen the hoenn characters, we need to get back to them soon