|Reviews for 10 Things I Just Hate|
| EBGRetchetspute chapter 1 . 2/18/2017
| IsaBean chapter 1 . 12/28/2014
OMG IM GONNA HAVE NIGHTMARES NO!1
| X5-721 chapter 1 . 9/10/2012
Good job, it is a very interesting idea. I'd love to see a continuation on the story.
I had to check for a crossover after seeing '10 Things I Hate About You' again and here you are. It's funny that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in the 'Dark Knight Rises.'
| LittleNephilim7 chapter 1 . 9/4/2012
cool. good story!
| WritingSchizo101 chapter 1 . 4/26/2011
I have just discovered crossovers, so I thought I'd check this one out. Congrats on creating a new fandom, in a way. :) Heath was in both films- always marvelous!- so this was certainly interesting to me!
This is a review of my first crossover fic, done as I read:
Normally, I'd scold someone for TELLING us the character was happy, but the way it's writen is actually fine. It warrants no scolding. The use of both 'happy' and 'happier' tells us something is going to change. Fast. So there's no reason to SHOW us anything, really. You tell us why he's happy in the next few sentences and that's also interestingly done- but we know something is going to happen. And that knowledges casts a shadow over Patrik's upcoming reunion with Kat and the book he plans to give her.
And . . . the writing went downhill.
'As he turned into the school it was night,' This should actually be too seperate sentences. Try 'By the time he reached the school, it was night.'
I also think 'He moved towards the dormitory. The cops blocked him.' would flow more smoothely if it was just one sentence. Try 'He rushed forward, confused, but a pair of cops blocked his path.'
Lastly, when writing dialog, you only use a comma when the statement is interrupted with the dialog tag. Like: "My name," she said, "is Kat. In which case, you would use both the comma and a lowercase letter. However in this case, we don't do that since it's two seperate sentences: "I don't know," he heard a voice telling a police officer."We just found her." See? It should be a period.
Also, a common mistake among writers is forgetting to go to a different line everytime someone speaks. I won't point it out for you everytime, though. You'll just need to remember, either for when you edit this, or when you post something else.
"Stay back, sir," the cop put his hand on Patrick's chest.' You can't do this. Either there needs to be a dialog tag here, or you need to change that comma to a period. So I
'd either change it to, "Stay back, sir," the cop ordered, putting a hand on Patrik's chest to stop his advance.' Or "Stay back, sir." The cop put a hand on Patrik's chest, pushing him back.' See the difference?
I really don't think Martha was 'let out'. eems to me she'd either run out, or stand by the entrance, shocked and starring at Kat's retreating form. Also, you'll want to connect the two, so say something like how Patrik spotted Martha, a girl on Kat's hall, standing near the entrance to the building. He hurried over, gripping the crying girl by the shoulders, resisting the urge to shake her when all she did was stare at him in confusion.
"What the hell is going on?" he asked, "Did something happen to Kat?" Patrik says two difference sentences here, so there should be a period after 'asked'. Also, don't foget that you need to move to a new line everytime someone speaks. The benefit of this is that you don't always have to indicate who was speaking, since you can simply go and back and forth in dialog without confusing the reader.
"Okay, get back, get back" a voice came from inside the dorm.' First of all, nothing looks more unprofessional than dialog without an ending puncuation. You will alwways have something at the end of the dialog sentence, whether there's something after it, or not. Here, for instance, you'd put a comma because you have a dialog tag. (Dialog tags are things like 'he said' that indicate who spoke. They can also be an action.) The dialog tag you have here is poor. You can't put an action with dialog if you're only going to use a comma. So, I'm thinking you should change it to: "Get back," a voice called from inside the building, to which the crowd responded immediatly.' That way, you also don't need the atrocious sentence about the police pushing the crowd back.
'A gurney with a body on it was being hauled out by the EMTs; a sheet covering it.' I don't really like this sentence, either, but I think it'd be better if you put the comma after EMTs like you were supposed to.
'leaped' should be 'leapt'.
'Ambulance drivers' sounds pretty childish to me for some reason. And nothing else makes me think Patrik's been reduced to that kind of state, so it doesn't fit. So I'd fix this sentence:
'Before the police and ambulance drivers could stop him, he had pulled it aside and seen the face underneath.' to just 'Before anyone could stop him' and remove the 'had' there, too, since it does nothing but slow down the writing. Don't say he HAD odne something. Say he did it.
So: 'Before anyone could stop him, he pulled back the sheet to see the face underneath . . .'
"Who the hell are you?" they demanded."Some kind of joker?" See the period I added? Other than that, I don't see much wrong with this paragraph. I can't decide whether I like the 'joker' part or not. Something tells me it's too obvious for him. I like the reference, but if you're implying this is where he got the name, I'm not sure it fits. And while I like the connection it now has with his 'Bad Day', I still don't know he'd take something like that from a something a cop said. I don't know.
The next passage seems to imply a bit of time has passed. I think you should change it to: 'A few minutes latter, Martha found Patrik sitting on the grass.' I think, in switching the foccus to Martha here, it'll make Patrik's transformation all the more dramatic.
You do a good job with brining emotion and shock into Martha's speech with the right words, the right pauses, the right factual, informative tone, like she's still shocked, and the right moments of description for Patrik, like she's pausing slightly to study his reaction. However, you need a period after 'she began' and you should also know that when you do ' . . .' it has spaces! There are always three dots (if the sentence is completed, there are four) and always with spaces in between each.
It also seems you've done your homework about the glasgow smile. Well done. :) Most fanfic writers bypass research.
I actually like the choppy sentences toward the end. 'Martha nearly wet herself.' is more powerful than anything else you could have said, too. Well done! I love it and, through something so physical, we can really feel her fear.
I also like the part about the lack of human quality in his eyes. That's important!
The only other thing I have to say is that when she stammers, there isn't the need for so many p's. And they should be capital letters, as well as seperated by dashes. So it should be something more like, "P-Patrik?"
Overall, this was pretty enjoyable, aside from the mistakes. I'd like to read more of your work sometime. Good job! I can't believe this doesn't have many reviews!
Grade: High C
You were actually going to get a Low C for this, but that ending was great! And the plot of this was original and plausible somehow. I enjoyed it!