|Reviews for The Sun Dog|
| Shinkansen chapter 6 . 4/17/2012
| cravensvt chapter 6 . 4/16/2012
A squib who isn't a squib huh? I like it and am looking forward to more.
| Hammerchuckery chapter 6 . 4/15/2012
I do love me my alternative realities.
| Blorcyn chapter 2 . 4/13/2012
Hi, just noticed in the fourth line 'at least once a fortnight, sometime mores, never less'. Mores. Just thought I'd point it out as, it being so close to the start, it jarred me out off it just a little bit.
| musme chapter 6 . 4/11/2012
I love it
| adamjb chapter 3 . 4/10/2012
Continuing from my last review:
You write dialogue very well, but your speech tags often interrupt flow. Sometimes they are sometimes too descriptive. Sometimes you repeat things in your speech tags that are already implied in your dialogue.
"Nothing," said Harry with a sly smile. "Getting the prettiest girl in here drunk is payment enough."
She snorted, genuinely amused by his impish charm.
"You think you're very smooth, don't you?"
"No, really, it's the truth," said Harry with mock sincerity. "You're one of two women in here and I'm pretty sure the other is a hag."
Tonk's snort implies that she is amused. Harry's dialogue in the last paragraph does a fine job of conveying his 'mock sincerity'. By not spelling everything out, the dialogue and character interactions feel more real, and the reader becomes more invested, and may even feel more satisfied for picking up subtler meanings.
When two people are having a back and forth, you can often eschew dialogue tags all-together.
Here is that quote again:
"Nothing," Harry said with a sly smile. "Getting the prettiest girl in here drunk is payment enough."
Tonks snorted. "You think you're very smooth, don't you?"
"No, really, it's the truth," he said. "You're one of two women in here and I'm pretty sure the other is a hag."
You don't lose anything, and the whole thing flows more smoothly.
| adamjb chapter 3 . 4/10/2012
I am enjoying this story. However:
I believe you said that this story wasn't beta'd, and sadly, it shows. A lot of your sentences are unnecessarily wordy, or contain repetitions. For example:
[quote]"Best drink he does," he supplied knowledgeably and she couldn't help but giggle at his knowing tone.[quote]
You don't need both "knowledgeably" and "knowing". This is just one example, but there are many more. In this example, I would probably remove "knowledgeably", because I don't know how someone can "supply something knowledgeably", but a "knowing tone" is something most are familiar with. You are also missing a comma before the "and".
Hopefully this helps. Thanks for writing, I look forward to more.
| one.who.reads chapter 6 . 4/8/2012
Yay, new chapter.
| patricia.pc chapter 6 . 4/8/2012
Super happy you updated! Great chapter, loved it. Hope to read more soon :)
| ObsessedWithHPFanFic chapter 6 . 4/8/2012
Interesting chapter and fun for the most part. Thanks for sharing!
| ferror chapter 6 . 4/8/2012
Wow! I have been searching since forever for another good fic with semidark?independent? sort of harry. Thanks for writing this story:) I look forward to your next chapter. Btw, is the Sun Dog harry?
| WhiteElfElder chapter 6 . 4/7/2012
Nice touch with the use of the illusion as if it were real. I think Tom was subjected to a hard light illusion unless Harry is really bending all the laws to his whim.
| specter626 chapter 6 . 4/7/2012
that was pretty cool. bye the way, do his parents rember him at the hospital or did he wipe there memories too?
| NohbdyThere chapter 6 . 4/7/2012
You may be slow as hell to update, but it's worth the wait.
| Nongarak chapter 6 . 4/7/2012
This was a good update, but not particularly a good chapter. It seemed very cluttered and hard to follow. I'm enjoying the story, though.