|Reviews for Victor Venture: Transcendence|
| Clarilune chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
PART 3 OF 3.
[He rose to his feet slowly holding his head where the monster hit him. "Sierra, what happened?" She was no help.]
I think the dialogue should be separated from the description that goes on to describe Sierra’s response. “He rose to his…” should be paired with the dialogue but separated into its own paragraph, if that makes sense. Just for organization purposes.
["Why didn't you say so sooner, my boy? Bring it here, quickly!" Victor rushed over, the golden crystal in hand.]
Separate Victor’s dash into a different paragraph. You need to reduce some of the paragraph blocks to even out the chapter. I’ll expand on this later on.
[Victor sort of wanted to meet it again someday despite the fear it inspired in him.]
Uh, are you cray-cray, Victor? These are not healthy thoughts that you’re having.
[And he would regret it.]
And that’s why you don’t wish for such crazy things.
[She quickly recovered, and returned it immediately]
Lol! I loved her little freak-out there. Yeah, I would be traumatized if I had seen what she saw.
[Sierra was returning to her feet. "What just-?"]
That was definitely a cool inclusion for ghost pokémon. Misdreavus are mischievous. Go figure that it’d use someone else’s body to release it.
["I have to go." Mr. Donyoku said.]
["I will be happy to help you," Mr. Donyoku said in monotone.]
Oh, crap. Mind-control, right?
[The child was indignant. "Daddy!" She pouted and moaned.]
So Mr. Donyoku has a brat for a child—unsurprisingly, considering his wealth. Something tells me she’ll be encountering Victor and that she plays an important role.
Anyway, I do like how she came in and interrupted out of nowhere, but I felt maybe she could have had a stronger appearance. She came out of nowhere, said a few bratty lines, and then departed out of rejection. If she really has no significance on the story, then I also don’t see the point of this. But, again, I have a feeling she’ll be making another appearance.
SO. To recap:
1) This chapter is much too long and packed with details. First, you start it off with a history lesson. Then you introduce Victor’s family. Then Victor goes to the professor and meets Sierra. Then you give a history about the professor and Sierra. Then the professor gets attacked. Then they rescue the professor but the machoke battles the unknown pokémon. The machoke gets injured. The unknown pokémon is damaged enough to flee. Victor feels helpful and uses his revive. Victor is brought back the lab to choose his first pokémon. He chooses his first pokémon after being introduced to the choices. Then we get a glimpse of Mr. Donyoku. Then (I’m assuming it’s the Ambassador, since I saw one of your drawings that matched the description you provided.) the Ambassador arrives and seems to control his mind. Then Mr. Donyoku’s daughter bursts through the door and acts like a brat. Then she leaves after being refused. Then the chaper ends.
Like I said, too much has happened. There are a number of places you can split this chapter to spare the readers from overwhelming bits of information and a number of events.
2) Commas. Your grammar in general is usually fine, aside from the occasional error or typo, but there was a serious problem with comma placement. For the most part, you used them correctly. However, too often there would a part (namely in dialogue and for when names and people are being addressed) that lacked a comma but desperately needed it. I recommend proofreading diligently to avoid these mishaps and to brush up on some comma rules.
3) History. I loved all of the information you included about the history. However, your transition going from the history lesson to Victor Venture’s introduction is a bit…well, it’s not smooth, which brings me to my next point.
4) Transitions. For the most part, you know how to keep the story evenly paced. However, whenever you enter a new segment, there seems to be a very loose transition. For example, your transition from the history lesson at the beginning to Victor Venture. As part of your transition, you explained why all of these factors were worth mentioning and how they would relate to Victor. I think you should eliminate this snippet altogether. If it was included to convince readers that there would be adventure occurring or merely placed to add suspense, you should get rid of it. For any reason, this should be removed. When readers read a story, they want to feel immersed. I was getting really into the history you were providing and then your explanation of how the factors would affect Victor totally drew me out of my reverie and reminded me that I was reading a story.
Also, while you’re transitioning from scene to scene, it almost sounds like you should begin a new chapter. For example, I recommended that if you ever wanted to split the chapters up, you could cut it off where Victor is leaving his home and it says his journey is about to begin. Immediately following this is a paragraph that I could see at the beginning of a new chapter. This is because the transition from his departure to his following action is sudden. If you really want to keep it as it is, I recommend expanding more on Victor’s thoughts before immediately jumping into his actions. This would also allow you to shed more light on his character.
5) Characterization. The characters are obviously well-planned and considered. I particularly like Sierra and her history. Victor seems pretty cool, but he’s also rather laidback…I don’t know how else to describe him, so I’m hoping he will exhibit more noteworthy character traits in the future. You also have moments where you supply just brief snippets of characterization through their actions, such as when the machoke grunted for Sierra to mention him. I thought that was cute.
As another example, you had Victor wondering about Sierra and if she liked him, if there was affection occurring, etc. I thought that was clever. It brought more realism to the character.
6) Humor. As I’ve mentioned countless times, you’re a very funny person. While this chapter was written mostly at a serious angle, you do manage to casually slip in bits of humor that make the story more enjoyable to read.
7) Description. For this chapter, I must admit I liked the previous chapter’s description better. This one was simplified and still enjoyable, but there were more awkward snippets and bits. For example, when the parents were initially described, they were regarded as shadows. That was awkward. I thought the kids were in danger. I don’t know if this was the angle you were going for, but I couldn’t appreciate the effect because I was very confused. From prior knowledge, you could have inferred these were the parents, but it just wasn’t necessary. I recommend finding another way to describe this part and introduce Victor and his family.
8) Specifications. When you first mentioned that Sierra had a Johto accent…well, that’s all you did. You mentioned it. You didn’t describe it. As I mentioned, there are ways to do this. If you mention something in the story, at least describe it.
These are all of the points you should look at and consider. I think you gather the pro’s and con’s just from reviewing what I mentioned. I did like this chapter, but it was not as well-written as the first, in my opinion. Great job, regardless! I can tell you’ve placed a lot of thought and effort into this story, and I appreciate you for that.
Great chapter! On to the next! (Though it may take me a bit. I’m going to spend some time recovering from this colossal review.)
| Clarilune chapter 2 . 7/9/2013
PART 2 OF 3.
["You can start in four years, just like your big brother," he told him,]
I find it weird that the parents initially wouldn’t let their children be pokémon trainers…especially if they have pokémon of their own. I guess it could be blamed on the fact the Yamasan is more dangerous than other regions? Yeah, that makes sense. Never mind then.
[I'm sorry sweety.]
Commaaaaaaaaa. Also, I didn’t mention this before, but “sweety” isn’t the right spelling.
[Victor walked over to Kade and thought his goodbye to him.]
This is awkward to me, and I don’t know why. Maybe because I expect us how to actually get a glimpse of his dialogue? I don’t know. I guess I recommend a possible revision to this part. There are better ways to introduce goodbyes.
[except for Pyra who barked and jumped about his waving parents in circles]
Comma after “Pyra.”
[his brother who sat moping on the porch steps.]
Comma after “brother.”
[It wasn't a very long walk to reach the lab, but when he got there no one was home.]
If you ever wanted to split the chapters (since it is kind of long), then you could cut it off where it’s stated Victor’s journey is about to begin. Just a suggestion.
[There was a hastily scribbledsign]
Space between “scribbled” and “sign.”
[that the Professor needed help with and if he were attacked by a wild Pokémon and knocked unconscious he would need some way to escape.]
The last part of the sentence makes it sound like a run-on, so I recommend revising it.
["Sorry we're keeping you waiting Victor.]
…You’re not going to use commas before names, are you? ._. Don’t make me cause some comma drama.
[She spoke with a light Johto accent, which wasn't really different from most other accents unless you listened closely enough.]
The entire region of Johto has its own accent? Every region has its own accent? That’s cool, but it makes me wonder if, like, the northern part differs from the southern part and vice versa. Also, I know it’s difficult, but would it be possible to describe the accent? Just stating it’s an accent isn’t descriptive enough. Speech patterns and types are particularly difficult to describe, but there are ways of doing it.
For example, British accents sound thick to me. Whenever a British person speaks, it makes me think their tongue is wrapped around their words. Particularly, the vowels are lengthened to the point of exaggeration, making the words sound somewhat lilted. German accents are guttural, like they’re speaking from their throats. Something like that. I don’t know.
This is a nitpicking aspect, but I want to know what differentiates her speech from the others. If it was important enough to mention, then it’s important enough to describe, y’know? Just a thought.
["Is that you, Victor?]
Hello, Comma. I missed you.
[Victor excited by the possibility.]
I believe Victor “was” excited by the possibility.
[Her companion grunted.]
Lol! The machoke had to be acknowledged. Just a small implementation of humor and characterization. So subtle, yet so awesome.
[If a person had come in I would have known about it sooner.]
Comma between “in” and “I.”
[the occasional traveller, but no one's been in here since yesterday."]
You misspelled “traveler.”
[but as Victor watched Sierra and her companion strained to lift the Professor.]
This snippet is strange. You should include a comma between “watched” and “Sierra.”
[I don't know if it's dragging me down or trying to climb up with me!"]
Oh, God. That is so scary. I would not want to be in that position.
[Two perfect black circles for eyes No eyelids or discernable nose.]
Period between “eyes” and “No.” Also, I must add I liked the professor’s description regarding the unknown creature.
[she new what the]
[The scientists who had shared the lab with Slate Lime had not bothered to remove the furniture from their old quarters, so there were plenty of beds to choose from.]
I recommend revising this sentence, particularly because of where the two names “Slate” and “Lime” meet. Perhaps putting Lime at the beginning of the sentence would make it flow better, so it would read something like this: “Lime had not bothered to remove the furniture from the old quarters of the scientists who had shared the lab with Slate, so there were plenty of beds to choose from.” This reads a lot better.
[They stopped to camp for the night in a clearing. She slept in the bushes nearby. It was uncomfortable, and she was scared.]
Yeah, I totally recommend splitting this chapter up. While you do have a lot of significant information, there is just so much being mentioned and going on.
[Many fighting types buried their dead and performed other human rituals. Some thought of humans as relatives of the same type with underdeveloped muscles.]
I really like this inclusion into the story. Expanding on pokémon outside of what is already known about them is definitely awesome. Since machokes do look very human, it would make sense that they’d have more similarities besides their appearances. Also, I think this story is very touching, and it’s very tragic but cool that Sierra met her machoke in this way.
[if Machoke had not stayed to bury her parents she would have grown bitter toward Pokémon and eventually toward life in general.]
Wow. This is from one merciful, kind act. That’s amazing. It definitely gives you a perspective about how just doing one thing can make a difference. Love this.
[his power save belt]
Power save belt? I’ve never heard of something like this. Is that actually what the belts of machoke are called?
I just looked it up. I’ll be damned. They do exist. I didn’t know that’s what they were called. Bit of an odd name, but it’s cool that machoke need a belt to contain their power. Very cool, indeed. You’ve done your research, and that’s awesome!
[What was this Pokémon and how was it so strong?]
Yes, I do wonder what pokémon it is and how it’s able to be so strong. Maybe it’s an experiment pokémon that gained strength through experimentations? It’s an odd guess, but I can’t fathom why it would be stronger than a machoke, whatever it is.
[equally black tubes that led from where its mouth should be to a box on its chest, and symbols beneath the box.]
A robotic pokémon? Something that was manufactured by humans? This is really hard to decipher…
[he quickly dismissed the thought.]
Ho ho! Are we gaining a bit of a crush there, Victor?
[he knew it was just infatuation.]
Well, Victor seems very wise for his age, which is good. I like characters that are more mature than what their age suggests.
[It grabbed at the tubes, trying to cover the holes.]
So the tubes supplied it with oxygen or something? Interesting…
[ignoring the Professor.]
Lol! Poor Professor. If I were Sierra, I would do the same thing probably, but still. xD
| Clarilune chapter 1 . 7/9/2013
NOTE: This review had to be split into 3 parts because I review lengthily. This is for Chapter 2, despite being posted on Chapter 1.
PART 1 OF 3.
The summary has improved greatly from what it was, but now it hints that it is a typical trainer fic with a special addition to make it a little more interesting. Those who click on the story and read the first chapter will learn otherwise, but keep in mind that trainer fics are really common. With that said, I like the summary in the fact it does supply a few intriguing details and is also professionally written enough to make people know that you are the real deal.
Now, on to the review! :D
[There are hundreds known and perhaps thousands yet to be discovered.]
First of all, I want to say I like the opening to this chapter. I don’t know particularly why. Perhaps because it’s simple and factual or something like that. But I like this line in particular. With pokémon, you can expect more generations to come, right? This pretty much foreshadows that fact. Makes me think you were anticipating new games and pokémon.
[The Yamasan region is a huge mountain range for the most part with a few beaches near the ocean and some flat grassy land by the shore.]
I can’t tell you how cool it is that you’re doing an original region and that you actually planned out the geography and everything. Geography is so difficult for anyone to do, so I’m very impressed. Of course, you couldn’t avoid doing geography because, you know, land is characterized by geography and environmental factors, but this still makes me happy, regardless.
Also, apparently there’s a ramen house named Yamasan. I don’t know if there’s significance there, but it’s interesting.
[It is home to only those, Pokémon and humans, tough enough to survive its harsh conditions.]
I feel like “Pokémon and humans” disrupts the flow of the sentence. I guess you needed to place it somewhere; there isn’t necessarily anything grammatically incorrect about it. I still recommend revising it, anyway. You could try making it say, “It is home to only Pokémon and humans tough enough to survive its harsh conditions.” I don’t see the point of having “those” if you mentioned Pokémon and humans, y’know?
[Hundreds of known species were catalogued, but nothing new was discovered.]
Inventing new pokémon would have been incredibly difficult, I’m sure, so I guess it’s a good thing they didn’t find anything!
[the Pokémon Research Organization (PRO) cut funding to the Yamasan exploration in favor of research on legendaries.]
They sound like they’re pros…Har.
There’s a lot of information in the beginning of this chapter. Something tells me there are going to be a lot of technicalities in the story. I CAN’T WAIT.
[The gold rush led to the creation of several boomtowns deeper in the region. The boomtowns became ghost towns for the most part once the Donyoku Corporation bought all the good mining land at high prices.]
Economy?! History?! What?! This is unheard of!
I love what you’ve presented so far. You’ve put quite a lot of thought into this story, and I definitely appreciate that.
[but some stayed behind either determined to keep their land and earn their gold or simply wishing to live in a land they'd adapted to.]
This part of the sentence is very awkward to me, for some reason. Maybe if it was revised to say this: “…but some stayed behind with the determination to keep their land or simply live in a land they’d adapted to.” This reads a little bit more smoothly. Just a suggestion.
[(Johto, Kanto, Hoenn, Sinnoh, Unova, and beyond)]
Ha! You were totally anticipating future games and generations, weren’t you? xD It’s definitely a safe thing to do.
[He was seen smiling for the cameras and handing the oversized scissors to the Champion.]
Lol! Appearances are everything, aren’t they? Didn’t want the good ol’ corporation to look bad. How funny.
[researcher, Professor Lime,]
Professor Lime. That’s a new one.
[The Professor and the Elite trainers' fame would lead him to realize his goal. The mining would lead him to his first great adventure. The Donyoku family's presence and the call to tough trainers would introduce him to his first friends. The criminals and their plots would cause him to mature from his sheltered youth. This is where his story begins.]
I don’t think you necessarily have to tell us the significance of everything and how everything will affect him. I think there’s a better way to end the history explanation while introducing Victor Venture. The readers are already going to see how these factors impact him, so why tell them? I think you should remove this snippet and replace it with something more conclusive to the history segment, leaving out Victor and how these details relate to him and his situation. The readers don’t need a brief synopsis of how these factors tie into Victor’s character because they’ll see it.
For some reason, I feel as if you felt you wanted to do something akin to a pokémon game’s opening, with the professor talking to you (the trainer). However, instead of the professor, it’s the narrator. You supply a lot of information in the beginning of this chapter. You relayed the information about the Yamasan region to introduce the readers to it so that they’re not confused when it comes around, but you don’t have to tell how it will affect Victor because we’re going to see it eventually.
[Poor, poor fool.]
So now we arrive to another segment of the story, introducing Victor, I believe? Great suspenseful opening. I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m eager to keep reading and find out. You always manage to add some aspect of humor in there as well to inspire a few chuckles.
[The boy, defeated, trudged back to the table and sat next his brother.]
I believe he trudged back to the table and sat next “to” his brother. Can’t forget the “to.”
[The thick, red liquid within sloshed around.]
Is it medicine? Good God. Run as fast as you can! This reminds me very grossly of the stuff I take whenever I catch a cold. Bleh.
["Set a better example for your brother, Victor!" Ordered the second one.]
The “o” in “ordered” should not be capitalized.
There should be a period after “Winn.”
AND OH MY GOSH. I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. The name choices are full of WIN. Literally. Victor. Winn. You are funny, my friend. And, of course, don’t think I didn’t notice that “venture” is a very adventurous choice, as well.
[The two boys laughed while their father dashed for the fire extinguisher.]
I don’t know why you introduced the parents as shadows initially. It worried me and made me think they weren’t their parents. Perhaps Victor and Winn were viewing their parents with dark thoughts? I don’t see a problem with just naming them as their parents in the introduction rather than shadows or whatnot. It’s the morning. It couldn’t have been that dark, right?
Also, I’d imagine you would have to have a fire extinguisher at hand for fire type pokémon. Very cute idea.
One more question. Why did they want them to drink the juice so badly? I guess it could be because the parents (as it’s mentioned in future sentences, I’m seeing) are very attached to their children and don’t want them to leave (so they’ll use any excuse they can to get them to stay), but I don’t see the point otherwise. If you were to include this struggle and fight with the parents at least listing the reasons why they needed their children to drink the juice and eat their breakfast (beyond the, “It’s good for you,” excuse), then I’d find it more necessary. However, with the way it is currently, it’s as if it was purposely placed there to set up suspense in the beginning of this segment and also fill out the chapter more.
[after his sister ran off on her own they realized they would lose him too if they didn't let him go.]
Whoa, she ran away? Do they still stay in contact with her? I guess that explains the opening to this segment with the escape attempt.
["Chores," finished his father, smiling.]
Lol! Trolling at its finest.
["Oh come on Dad! You know you were-"]
Comma after “oh” and before “Dad.”
There is some inconsistency with the capitalization. “Dad” needs to be capitalized. Also, there needs to be a comma before any names in the dialogue because names are parenthetical elements. An addressed person’s name is always a parenthetical element. Yup.
["-and you'll need your Pokégear and you can get Pokéballs from the Professor and-" he hugged her too.]
Lol! The mom cracks me up. Also, capitalize “h” in “he.”
[we'll miss you sweety!]
Comma after “you.”
| Clarilune chapter 1 . 3/12/2013
[Ha! There was no one more competent than he to administrate research and development.]
What a silly man. This is most likely hinting at the fact he is not competent then. Or he is full of himself. Or something. As I’ve said before, you have a great sense of humor, my friend!
[With Omega's help,]
Oh my goodness, you got a cameo! :o
[It had taken weeks to workout the blueprints and months to assemble the machine,]
I don’t think this is the sort of “workout” you meant. Those two words should actually be separated…unless they had exercised over the blueprints or something, which be weird. (OhgoshwhydoIthinkofthesethin gs.)
[“You ain't as important as you imagine. Without me this whole thing don't amount to more than a flea on a donkey's behind!”]
Oh dear God. I can’t laugh. I’m torn asunder by the realization I sometimes talk like this without realizing it. Thank you for reminding me of how silly this can sound. And very nice, by the way, with having a stereotypical-country accent paired with a stereotypical-country metaphor. Every time I read Professor Xu’s dialogue, I imagine that it’s that one dude with the weird hair speaking from “The Fifth Element.”
Xu is an interesting name to go with a country accent…I feel like you might have just made up the name without any regard to his origins. Where did he originate from…? I guess I’d recommend expanding on appearances more then.
[As Xu's face fluctuated between reddened fury and humbled paleness]
I like this description. It’s very vivid. I can visualize this contorted expression very well.
[“We agreed my name comes first.”]
Oh my goodness, ladies. Each of you will get a pair of shoes. Now quit it before one of you breaks a nail. I can’t appreciate this rivalry because they treat each other so pettily, namely Xu, who really ought to get shot for his accent. I do appreciate your characterization behind these characters though, as they are unique and interesting to read about.
[His voice wasw overly cheerful.]
I believe you meant “was.”
[The beautiful ball of light had her thinking romantic thoughts]
Please tell me there will be stronger female characters. I did think it was sort of funny how you named her Ms. Hart, which makes sense that she’d get distracted by romantic things. However, I felt like you incorporated her for humor while using her incompetence as a plot device. I don’t see anything wrong with this; I just didn’t like it. Although, I must say the fact you’re supplying even a minor character with such consideration amazes me. Mar Lan seems pretty cool.
[She wouldn't let them win so easily. She reached for a lever on the terminal with the last of her strength and pushed it as high as it would go.]
Damn. You go girl! Please tell me she gets to live.
["Sir, Lab One is… gone."]
I literally said, “Oh damn,” out loud. I hope you consider this an accomplishment, as it takes a lot for me to voice aloud any sort of bewilderment I have when reading something.
Now, looking back at the story. I LOVE the way you write. It’s strangely informational and fresh—vivid when necessary. That being said, it is lengthy and wordy, but not in the burdensome sort of way. I guess what I mean by that is it seems very professional and thoughtful—arranged very carefully. Additionally, when I say “fresh” I mean it’s not like I’m reading the same phrases over and over again. For example, I will always uses phrases such as “in any case” at the beginning of sentences or “however.” You don’t overuse phrases and find ways to make everything seem new. I like that a lot, and it’s certainly something I struggle with as a writer.
Your characters. This is just the first chapter, but I can already tell it’s awesome and that you put quite a bit of thought and planning into them. I like Professor Soomwa not only for his name but also his collected calmness and sense of professionalism. I sort of like Xu, even though he is just flailing like a little girl pretty much the entire time. I can appreciate him for his humor. As I said earlier, Mar Lan is pretty cool, and I really appreciate her motives and actions. I also liked Director Cinnamon, even if his name made me giggle. What inspired these names? Are there any special stories or reasons behind them?
I wish there was something I could recommend or advise you about. Well, I suppose there are some things…
Your summary is generic. It indicates the point of the plot and introduces the fact that the story is set in an original region, but there’s also the fact that it sounds very similar to every other story on this site. I promise you when people read the summary they will skip right over it. It sounds like your typical journey fic. Couple that with the fact you’re doing an original region and everyone will scatter. There are very few well-done fics on here that take place in an original region. Not many attempt it because the task is indeed so overwhelming. I don’t doubt you in the least (especially after reading the first chapter), but most will overlook the story on the mention of an original region alone. That being said, I don’t think you should supply a full summary. If indeed you want to supply a full summary (although I guess it can’t necessarily count as a “full” summary since it is vague, particularly when referring to the threat that Victor will encounter), then you should supply a teaser with it as well. Something that will entice readers to go, “What the heck?” and thoughtlessly click because of it.
Now, when readers click on that link, what are they greeted by? Blocks of text. That alone will send some people running. I’m personally one of the people to sit down and digest thick blocks of text as long as they’re really prose-y, symbolic, or poetic. Otherwise, I get distracted numerous times and have to forcefully pull myself along. Admittedly, when I was reading the first paragraph, this did happen. However, I soon was absorbed by the professionalism and consideration of your writing. I really appreciate how much effort you put into your writing. It reads very well. However, there aren’t going to be a lot of readers who will appreciate the way the writing is arranged due to its length, which is why I’m going to recommend something that is probably too late to install but still helpful to mention.
A hook. If you implement one in the summary AND the introduction of the first chapter, you have just snagged yourself some more readers. However, judging by the events in the first chapter, I’m guessing this would be a very difficult thing to implement without adding oodles of text. I suppose one in the summary would suffice, then. Anything would do. Mostly a taste of suspense or something just really odd. I personally prefer oddities, but you know…
Now, what am I forgetting here…OH! So usually when I read stories I encounter an author’s note at the beginning (although not all the time) and then a restatement of the story’s title, along with the chapter name. It honestly surprised me when I did not see any of that for this chapter. Although you can argue that readers don’t really care and will gladly skip over it, in this case, I disagree. For some reason, leaving the chapter as it is comes off as mechanical to me. You go right to the story, and as a result it just seems…empty. Lifeless. It just appears as text with no energy behind it. I’m not saying you definitely need an author’s note, but just perhaps something to authenticate that the readers did in fact click on the right story and are now reading the first chapter written by an actual author.
The last thing I’m going to mention before signing off on this review is that the appearances of your characters need to be mentioned. The description is informative and professional, but I seriously don’t know what any of the characters look like. And yes you can argue that it wouldn’t have been significant or that it was irrelevant or that the characters were too minor, but I don’t care. I want some proof that these are in fact human characters and that they do have appearances. (Admittedly, I have a weakness when it comes to describing characters, but that’s irrelevant.)
I lied. There’s one more thing I want to add. I like the cover of this fic, but it needs to be colored. That could be just me being picky, but I seriously can’t appreciate the effort behind it due to the quality. The black and white would have sufficed if the picture was brighter and of finer quality. The drawing is pretty good, but the quality is making it seem bad. Color would most likely enhance the quality of the picture and make it pop.
Pro’s: Awesome characterization; the informational, fresh writing style; the unique quality of the description; the length; the professional arrangement of the text; the great grammar; and the great suspense.
Con’s: The generic summary; the lack of hooks; the lack of appearance description; the length; the lack of prose; and the lack of the author’s presence (I guess that’s what you could call it?).
Great first chapter! Since this review is pretty long, I’m pretty much wiped out, but I promise I will be reviewing each chapter! Awesome job again! :D
| Y-ko chapter 10 . 3/11/2013
"The rest of the bats had fled in their quake-induced panic."
Well that's an anticlimactic end to a two-chapter cliffhanger.
I don't know what the "yellow thing with vestigial wings" is supposed to be, unless it's a Dragonite. I also don't know how Victor figured out the thing was Misdreavus, either.
Is the "girl in the pink shirt" supposed to be Lyra? I do like this Soomwa guy. His observations are somehow funnier than the other Earth (?) guys'.
| Y-ko chapter 9 . 3/11/2013
Man, for the nth time, I wish I could think up original storylines. That'd be fun.
Okay, I think I passed the point where I stopped last time. It occurs to me that I hate "people from Earth going into [video game] world" plots, but I guess as long as they're the bad guys and don't actually say the words "video game," it's okay? Apparently. I thought that other thing might have been a Regigigas but that's twelve feet tall, not six.
Your constant POV-hopping is still jarring without the use of scene/page dividers. Maybe you had them and FF took them out, but I think you would have noticed by now.
Other than that, not a lot of things to say that weren't addressed in the last review, I can't remember if you ever gave me a definitive answer, but there's no point in regurgitating them. Is the thing at the end Xatu? I like Xatu. Gets overlooked a lot, but it was a pretty good Psychic to put on a flying team until Sigilyph came along and started doing everything better.
| Tyrogue chapter 2 . 12/1/2012
I have only read two chapters and I finally found a pokemon fanfic that I am really enjoying so for that i thank you. I dont know how much I like you adding a new Pokemon (if that even is what it is... SUSPENSE!) but not because it think its a bad idea only because im having a hard time picturing it. But im obligated to throw some compliments your way, this is really Really well done, and if i wasnt already falling asleep this could easily keep me up all night, its a page turner so to speak. Not to be offensive to other Pokemon fanfic writters but i find so many of them are so rushed without any kind of fleshed out story, just dialogue lines and 600 word chapters, but this is a fantastic mix of quality and quantity. Also, an original Pokemon fanfic that isnt another regurgitated game walk through. I must give props for the dedication of a cast completely consisting of OCs, i could go on with my likes of this story but i feel like my review has gotten lengthier then it should. anyway, im going to keep reading this and good job on the amazing story.
| Species Unknown chapter 11 . 10/16/2012
| Species Unknown chapter 10 . 10/11/2012
and i'm still demanding MORE! Psychics? well, i know they are one of the more versatile Pokemon.
| Species Unknown chapter 9 . 10/6/2012
man you haven't updated i so long i've lost my place. and now i have to re read it...NOT THAT I CARE! *points finger* CONTINUE THIS!
| Shiny Lilligant chapter 3 . 7/3/2012
3 chapters in and I'm still stunned by the sheer amount of care you put into your writing. For a casual writer like me, I tend to either strive for quantity or quality. It seems like you achieve both, and I can only imagine how much time and passion that takes.
When "Marigold" asked the maid if she wanted her to die, I knew what was coming but I still got a good chuckle out of it. Mr. Donyoku is just a really fun character to read overall, and while I didn't expect it, I'm glad she got a whole chapter here.
I'm loving that the Pokemon have some dialogue, even if it's just translated Poke-language. The boy with the Ampharos also seems like an interesting character, especially because Ampharos is one of my favorite Pokemon.
I know I've been MIA for quite a bit, and I wouldn't even be writing this review if this hotel didn't have internet and if I was able to sleep. I'll definitely check out the rest of this story when time permits.
| Shiny Lilligant chapter 2 . 6/17/2012
You've done a wonderful job of illustrating the world and setting things up. The first bit made me feel like I was just starting a new Pokemon game. Two chapters in, and I'm pretty sure this is the longest and most professional Pokemon fanfic I've seen.
| Shiny Lilligant chapter 1 . 6/14/2012
This definitely gave me Pokemon: The First Movie vibes. I like how you introduce the antagonists first. It sets a dark tone right off the bat (which is something I wouldn't expect from a Pokemon fanfic) and leaves me curious about many things.
| Species Unknown chapter 8 . 6/13/2012
CONTINUE!X OVER 9000!
| Y-ko chapter 7 . 2/27/2012
Man, you're just as bad about updating as I am. Nice to see a new chapter go up, though. It was a rocky start, but I'm enjoying this story.
There's an odd vibe I've been getting from the plot. This is... a crossover with our world, right? Or one that's similar? If I knew more pop-fiction terms, I could describe what I'm talking about without making it seem like I'm just pointing out the obvious. But for example, Diana Wynne Jones- you seem like you're a guy, so you probably haven't read any of her stuff, but she's the one I keep coming back to-liked to have characters from our world cross over to her fictional worlds. And they turned out to be the most important characters, the ones that drove the plot. Like Howl. And it was like the fantasy universe was just there to be exploited by the people from our universe. Things would appear in the fantasyverse that seemed strange, unexplainable, almost mystical, and then it would turn out that no, it was just a photocopy of a grade-schooler's reading assignment.
Do you know what I'm getting at? Obviously you have psychics and shit so it's not like that at all. But I cannot stop thinking of the giant tube-breathing beast as just some big guy in a haz-mat suit, and I keep imagining the guys with the notebooks are going to mine a hole between the worlds to drain the Pokeverse of its magical power.