|Reviews for Leone's Story|
| Guest chapter 6 . 10/21
I want more
| Guest chapter 6 . 9/3/2012
hello please hurry and make more chapters PLEASE!
| Phoenix Vanguard chapter 2 . 5/5/2012
Sad... So sad...
Here I find myself, bored out of my wits, writing a review for a dead (hopefully not) story.
...Or it's just in a coma... Sad, isn't it?...
... And I'm done with my impersonation of The Sorrow! I'm usually like this, trying to urge the writer on so he/she will not get discouraged.
So, um, don't get discouraged! (My, what a lame review... Sad...)
| Phoenix Vanguard chapter 6 . 1/2/2012
Man, I really feel like the only one reading this. I know others are out there! R&R, people!
Don't mean to sound pessimistic, it's just that I've read enough sad fics to know something horrible will happen eventually. Is it just me? Feels like a happy story and all.
I hope I don't have to remember all of the cousin's names to understand this story. Too many for this overworked brain. Though if they are important, it will suffice.
No humans are even mentioned? Wow, are they deep in forest or what? Or are humans extinct and Pokemon are the only ones left living and all humans are reincarnated into Pokemon including Ash who is now a Lucario and Pikachu is still a Pikachu, all thanks to Lord Null releasing armageddon and cataclysm but then are saved by the Alien Wanderer Deoxys and Mew, who both rebuilt the world together but the planet is now a bio-planet cyborg, so then everyone fights against the Nihilators and Oblivion's Shadow who, in turn, is the reincarnation of Lord Null?
Ahem, sorry, got a LITTLE carried away. Brave New World really had an impact on me.
BTW, I'm clueless how to even START writing a fic, I am so used to being a critic and a praiser!
Anyway, despite my meaningless babble, Happy (Late) New Years and Happy Writing!
| Phoenix Vanguard chapter 1 . 9/21/2011
La, di, do, re... Hey Alli. Perhaps you remember me? Mr. Spitz? ( not my real name, heck no! ) It's been two months, it's not surprising you might not remember. Just wanted to know if you've given up on this, 'tis all. Ya' know, just any kind of response. I see some potential in your writing. Is it school, perhaps? 'Cause it gives me a little hell sometimes, and I honestly would have written something by now if it weren't for school.
| Phoenix Vanguard chapter 5 . 7/28/2011
Da, im such a sucker when it comes to pokemon POV stories. You're already leaving me wanting more chapters and the story's barely beginning! As always, updates and, (not meaning to complain) longer chapters are very greatly appreciated!
-Me, the Spitz
| Pikajenn chapter 5 . 7/27/2011
Can't wait to see how this turns out. The Eevee siblings are cute.
| not-gonna-tell-u-my-name chapter 2 . 5/15/2011
omg!im so sorry!i just read carps reviews and i relized my review is soooooo lame!forgive my lameness!
hope u update!(this is a lame reviaw isnt it too?)still not gonna tell u my name!:)
| not-gonna-tell-you-my-name chapter 2 . 5/15/2011
i love it!u have to udate!u are so awsome to write this! and dear mother of Mew, if u dont update 'cause u think nobody likes,well i love it! and i will wait for ever for u to update!and guess what?
IM NOT GONNA TELL U MY NAME!
| CarpeDiemEveryday chapter 2 . 2/21/2011
This is rather cute-ish, but not much besides backstory is happening. You should really consolidate this and your prologue and tack them both in front of where some plot action starts. Also, I'm getting the sense that this is an analogue to a trainer starting his pokemon journey; things are lining up quite similarly. I'm not entirely sure yet whether that's a problem or not, so for now you're okay.
You use a few too many speech-tags that aren't said here, which isn't really in keeping with your concept of Leone being a youngster. Youngsters generally use "said" to the exclusion of all else. It's okay to use "said"; you'd be surprised at how invisible it is, which is actually a good thing, since it doesn't distract the reader. Save the fancy words for when something happens that you can't convey with a simple "said."
Speaking of your concept here, I admire how you're trying to be a bit out of the box, but writing in past tense nulls that effect. By writing first-person in past tense, all of this has already happened, whether you choose to acknowledge that or not. Therefore, his grasp of grammar should really remain constant throughout. It's a good idea, but in order for it to work, you need present tense, which is a bit of a hassle. There's also the fact that more cynical readers will see it as a cop-out for making genuine mistakes, and you don't want that.
["Oh, nothing," she said with a twinkle in her eye. I was just lucky in hunting today."]
You're missing a quotation mark before I. ("I was just lucky in hunting today.")
["I hate roots," I say for the millionth time.]
This should be said, not say. Be careful about accidentally shifting tenses.
["Coming Mom," I answered.]
You need a comma after Coming ("Coming, Mom," I answered.)
See this is where having a beta might be beneficial. They can pick up on little mistakes that you miss. Also, missing stuff is actually quite understandable; you just wrote all of this out, and it made sense in your head, and reading it it'll make sense. An outsider who hasn't seen it yet will catch those mistakes though, so I'd suggest looking into it, just to give your story that extra edge of grammatical accuracy.
I would suggest italicizing the word hate instead of underlining it. It just works better in dialogue. Up to you, though.
It is sweet that he's so devoted to his sister, and look at you, you did research on eevee gender ratios! That gets you a plus from me. Also, I hope that Leone meets some decent umbreon at some point. Having a prejudice on a group based on one jerk from it is a bad sort of racism that maybe you don't want to support.
Mentioning that he and Raina are half siblings was already obvious at the point where you mention it. Don't underestimate your readers' intelligence like that, unintentionally or not.
The fact that momma flareon has a special tail is a little weird. That sort of thing seems to be a characteristic that either all or none would share, and while I understand that you want to have your characters stand out, giving them weird powers for no justified reason smacks dangerously of Mary-Sue. Not that I'm saying you've written any sues yet; you haven't. But just be wary of making it seem as if your characters are special for no real reason besides them being your characters.
So yeah, things are rather sweet right now, but it's really all just exposition. Nothing happened except breakfast, and although you seem to have hinted that having a starly for breakfast is significant, it's then buried under a long line of exposition. If there's going to be a staraptor attacking because momma flareon killed her baby, then end your chapter there. It'll provide suspense and a reason for people to read on to the next post. I personally am interested in following and providing concrit, but if you haven't enjoyed this, let me know and I will peddle my advice elsewhere.
Keep up with writing though, you appear to have potential.
Hope this has helped,
| CarpeDiemEveryday chapter 1 . 2/21/2011
Hm. Well for starters, this is really too short to be considered a chapter. If you want this as your prologue, place it in front of the first real chapter.
You do realize that not all animals have the dad stick around for the kids, right? Ergo, it's not necessarily going to be the case with pokemon. To be fair, the eevee line is based on several different animals: Raccoons don't appear to have dads stick around, but foxes and rabbits do, so I guess this is up to you. Still, the mother's take on this is a very human one, which leads into my next point.
Just from reading your summary, I get the impression that you're just writing about humans in pokemon bodies. Leone living in the wild does not mesh with Leone going to school. At all. You should probably make a clear decision as to whether they're wild, or little human-like pokemon. I would strongly advise going towards the former, though. What you seem to have set up doesn't really seem likely and appears set to devolve into confusion, unless there's some sort of schooling with regards to what evolution the little eevees wish to pursue, sort of like a trade school? That might actually be cool. Keyword might though, since they're still supposedly wild.
Also, why did all of that drama lead her to name her son Leone? It means Lion, and moreover is a girl's name. Perhaps change it to Leon, which is a perfectly good male name. Or if you're really attached to that e, then call him Leonel. It means lion-like, which is a bit more fitting if you want him to be courageous or, for irony's sake, cowardly, but more importantly is a boy's name.
There is some potential here, but really, this did not merit its own chapter page.
Hope this helps,