|Reviews for Same House Troubles|
| Sarapsys chapter 1 . 2/22/2011
Cool! It's neat to see him in action :D Thanks for linking me!
While I'm here, commentary.
1. I think you need to read over your drafts a little more before posting and perhaps read them out loud to yourself. There are a lot of places where you switch between present and past tense, and a lot of long sentences that make the reading a little difficult. I understand if that's just a stylistic thing you like, but there were several places where I had to go over a sentence three or four times to work out what was being said.
2. There were also a couple places where I felt you let your desire to showcase the uniqueness of your OC overshadow the logic of the situation. For instance, you make the comment that she has to wear a wig to cover her pink hair, because it will make them more noticeable. Why? There’s not much that’s strange about a teenager with neon hair in New York. If anything, it will give people the impression that they’re a trio of punk-ass teenagers and therefore no threat to anyone. Pink hair does not exactly give a vibe of ‘genius detective that is hunting down Kira.’ So I wasn’t sure why that was something they wanted to hide. I also was not very clear on why she particularly had a bone to pick with Kira, over and above the others. Is there some personal history thing going on there, or is she just more reactive? Also, how does one manage the struggle of being a violent pacifist?
3. Context. Where are they? Who’s they? What are they doing? Is this AU? None of these things were apparent to me until about 3/4s of the way through the narrative. The introspection of the character is interesting, but feels isolated from what’s physically going on to the point of being confusing. You mention that she’s 18—is she much older than Matt and Mello, then, or are they age-bumped? She’s not sure why they’re in America—who’s in charge, and who made the decision to go there? Have they discussed their plans, or are they flying by the seat of their pants? These sorts of details don’t seem to be entirely thought through to me.
1. As I mentioned briefly, O’s introspection as regards Kira/’Normal’/the House was very interesting. The general reaction to the outside world was realistic and thoughtful, and I liked the ‘Normal’ terminology.
2. Loved the parallel between the ‘Norms’ regarding Kira as a god and herself/the ‘Kids’ regarding Wammy as a god.
3. There were some really great one-liners in there—I especially liked ‘Obsessor vaguely wonders where the time for laughing went and if it's ever going to come back.’ and ‘The world where the criminals were the good guys and the actual good guys are the criminals.’
Interested to see where this goes—you mentioned this was going to be oneshots about Wammy Kids, so is it going to be bringing in a lot of them or following O and the M’s around in their investigation? In any case, looking forward to reading your future work!