|Reviews for Feeling like a Girl Revised|
| 1529 chapter 1 . 6/26/2013
A good story, I think that the Dumbledore/McGonagall bit about 'not talking about the headmaster like that' was a bit contrived as Harry was forced to compete by the Ministry, but that didn't end up being too much of a plot-killer in my mind (it did seem pretty normal for Hogwarts, Dumbledore deciding something and everyone going along with it as anything else is inconceivable, but...).
| James018 chapter 1 . 12/15/2012
Very good story.
| Dethryl chapter 1 . 9/29/2011
Wonderful one-shot. I can't wait to read the bigger story it's an excerpt from. If you need any help in the beta department, I have numerous references and a half-million words of my own.
| Scrubby chapter 1 . 9/24/2011
I really liked it!
Loved the endscene with the kissing, i think you described the feelings pretty good.
Thank you for sharing :)
| Afina Kedavra chapter 1 . 9/22/2011
Hey, just a quick thoughts about this ficlet.
Firstly, you should re-read it - I spotted some spelling mistakes, but (and forgive me for inconvenience and my laziness) didn't save them for this particular review. Nothing cringe-worthy, sure, just for perfect-minded grammar Nazi types to tsk a bit, winkwink.
Secondly, I read your author-profile first, and I mostly agree on your points of JKR shortcomings and all, thus I wish to see you succeed in making the world better. So, the biggest problem I saw in this was that the relationship between Harry & Hermione seemed a bit rushed. Or maybe it's just may preference in pacing, just thinking that they went from 'friendly dance-date / I might like him/her / le kissing scene' awfully fast.
Then there is the issue of 'can't go, can go'. Sure, you've made this like a excerpt from a bigger story, thus there may be some significant differences in your world-setting we do not know as of right now. E.g. the little difference of not going to Burrow during summer or not being friendly-friends with Ron yet again.
Still, the whole issue seemed very artificial indeed. Cannot go due to international press being there? - Quite not believable, as the tournament was an international affair, it was rather thoroughly documented in the canon, so that argument seemed weak.
Perhaps it was just a silly made-up stuff to cover up some Ministry's conspiracy which would be revealed later... Just my thoughts anyhow.
Also, some parts of character speaking & narrator's storytelling seemed unnatural. Maybe it's just my creepy perception, I'm most definitely not an expert in such things.
Anyways, keep writing! :)
| Rick13 chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
I have to say it was a very long story but ... the ending and the dance scenes and Harry and Hermione kissing(my favorite scene) were abolutely breathtaking. I felt a lump in my throat at the ending. I truly love this story.
| Raven3182 chapter 1 . 7/9/2011
Not bad. I enjoyed it. The twist about Dumbles not letting Harry attend the ball was quite original. It actually ticked me off a bit. That's a sign of good writing in my opinion. It made for some good conflict for this short story. I'll be interested in reading your larger story if it lives up to this. Most fanfics suffer from a lack of conflict. Anyways, I look forward to finding out. Well done on this. Thanks for writing!
| WasOnceAJKWorshipper chapter 1 . 5/19/2011
Fantastic loved all of it, hopefully there will be more chapters!
| ILikeComps chapter 1 . 4/29/2011
Great story and so full of emotion. Thanks for sharing!
| Xilore chapter 1 . 4/26/2011
Very nicely written, Lorelover!
Okay, review time! When you wrote out Harry being denied allowances to the ball I was a bit surprised, but it turned out well. The storyline was convincing and flowed smoothly. I appreciated that the pace vs. details was well balanced so as to keep my attention without getting too dragged down with unneeded details.
Let me think... I want to make it a well rounded review. If I were to change any one thing in the story I would have said to add in the conversation over the meal that was included in the canon, but as this story seems to be a one-shot its fine without that. Aside from that, I don't really have anything I can think of to critique. Sorry about that. Without further ado, here's my scores:
Overall Opinion: 9.0 (How I personally liked your story)
Total Score: 9.125
Keep up the good work, I think I may look at your other posted story too.
| Jibril Mudo chapter 1 . 4/2/2011
I really enjoyed this story, thank you for writing it. I have pretty much the same opinion on HP. I hate Ginny Weasley (or rather how JKR made her into such a Mary Sue and had Harry fall for her all of a sudden in the last book). Ron's treatment of Hermione isn't good and more like sibling rivalry, and it's hard to imagine Hermione marrying such an mediocre wizard anyway although he is okay in other ways.
It was well written with no bashing of characters. Harry being so hangdog at the dance never made sense to his character, unlike Ron. I preferred his actions here.
Thought of writing about the ball as well, but throwing Luna into the mix as she balances out Hermione in several ways - this is about where the books started going downhill imo and AUs like this are welcome.
Other reviewers noted, McGonagall telling Harry about Dumbledore's desires may not have made sense so late in the evening, but could have been so simply to ensure some privacy.
If I had one qualm, I would think Harry would have been relieved rather than angry at Victor not kissing her.
| timunderwood9 chapter 1 . 3/25/2011
Epic sweetness, I loved it.
Posting a revised one in response to reviews is also an epically brilliant move which almost no one else does.
And also I think posting scenes from the middle of a story as one shots with context supplied by the A/N is also brilliant. Honestly, a lot of the time in a story, you know how you want a few scenes to go, and everything else is designed to attach them together.
The problem is doing that can create a difficult constrained problem. Its sort of you want your story to have characters with X,Y,Z features, and you want it to include a scene where A and B happens, and another scene where C and D happens. But sticking them all together forces the story to act really weirdly.
Anyways my thoughts based on putting together some stories in my mind, and an explanation of why some other stories don't really work.
Also if the goal is to produce something of reasonably high quality it is a good idea to have most of the story written, or at least to understand how the plot functions and resolves, before starting to write.
Over the past few weeks while reading lots of fan fiction have been trying to think about what makes stories good, vs not, so here are a few other thoughts on good writing generally. I don't know which of these you would already have integrated into your own writing
A completely random example from CoS:
Chest heaving with emotion, Wood turned to Harry.
"It'll be down to you... because we've got to win today, we've got to."
"So no pressure, Harry," said Fred, winking at him.
This little bit illustrates three things a lot of fan fiction doesn't do. Almost all speeches have a tonal modifier, "winking at him" "chest heaving with emotion" that describes *how* the character looks or sounds while talking. Also the first sentence is a full sentence describing the tone, rather than a single phrase.
A lot of fan fiction authors tend not to use enough tonal modifiers creating text blocks for dialogue, and when they are used there is insufficient variety and not enough use sentence or paragraph long descriptions.
The second bit to notice is "because we've got to win today, we've got to", repetition like this, and also very short phrases, sudden breaks in the middle of a sentence, and sharp shifts in what is being said all are tools which make the dialogue sound more like someone talking, and can capture the voice of the character. Again fan fic misses this a lot of the time.
Also good characterization can be really important to putting together a good story, in an extended story focusing on what makes the characters distinct from simply "person who we completely approve of" is really important. A lot of the time the core of this is giving the character realistic flaws, but that is dangerous because if it isn't done right it annoys the reader when someone who do to the structure of the story they identify with starts behaving in ways they don't approve of.
Managing the length of the story, and making sure it has a coherent structure is important, stories written as they are posted tend to be too long, and become very unfocused as they go on with quality considerably declining.
Also instead of a single integrated story they often function as a set of problems being dealt with sequentially.
That was a bit didactic, but I've been sort of trying to understand how fiction works better, and sharing my musings is fun.
Structurally I really like how your story works, its sort of the arc, picking the date, the problem, the resolution, with cute happy fluff at the end.
Also structurally a lot of the time removing whatever possible creates a sparser more powerful structure. So perhaps as an exercise asking what would happen to the effect if certain things (perhaps part of the interaction with Dumbledore, maybe a particular scene, or descriptions of Ron, or something was missing) were missing. I mention this because the revised version is longer than the original, presumably to fill in plot holes that were pointed out.
Also one other note, my comment about tonal modifiers seems right to me, but I've currently only really tested it with looking at four different published authors I like (Rowling, a translation of War and Peace, Jane Austen, and a Zane Grey novel), so the sample set is limited, and of course details matter.
Anyways I'm adding you to author alert and expect to enjoy your future stories.
BTW I majored in Applied Math, people who can (or at least could at one point in their life) do calculus for the win.
| NorthernLights25 chapter 1 . 2/25/2011
I loved this!
| zArkham chapter 1 . 2/24/2011
This was a sweet story. I like it because Harry isn't a clueless idiot. Sometimes I think JKR put way to much of herself and let her own life flavor her characters. I mean Hermione really is the hero and Harry is less of a hero because of it.
Here, Harry comes out still a shy teenager but he handles himself well. Padma was done well. As a ardent HP/LL shipper with a love of Harmony, I was distressed at even a hint of RW/LL. I'm glad Luna seemed to realize what a prat he is. Not to go mental but really, Ron is just not a great character especially with Neville around.
Really, if you continue writing, don't let Luna go with Ron. Not saying she should end up with Neville (I actually think NL/GW is a good paring as they balance each out out) but Luna is the last person Ron could even hope to handle or understand.
Again, great story!
| DarkHeart81 chapter 1 . 2/23/2011
Wow. This was so much better than the original version that it seems like a different fic, not just a revision. Great job.
Personally, I'd have loved to see Hermione tell Victor she couldn't go with him and went with Harry instead but that's just me. Great fic!