Reviews for Unwanted Dream
Vallavarayan chapter 15 . 3/7/2014
Read through the fic on too short a time :-( pls update
Vallavarayan chapter 7 . 3/6/2014
this is an amazing story- hope you continue this sometime...
Kallios the Scholar chapter 15 . 8/24/2013
This story is... interesting, to say the least. Shaun is a credibly flawed character and not a Gary Stu in the slightest, which I find very refreshing. I would have preferred a less clich├ęd starter than the Riolu (perhaps even one of the despised Trapinch) but considering what you're pitting your OC against, I think that he'd need a strong pokemon.

Considering that my own father is a policeman I tend to be a... well, let's just say that Shaun would despise me. "Punk" is a genre that's been overdone in the past, but you pull it off well. You show that your OC is tough without turning him into a god, and you really know how to write a teenage boy. I don't know your gender, but when girls write teenage boys they tend to forget that their OCs need to shave.

There are occasional spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, but nothing too terrible. The only thing throwing me off is that I'm used to reading your "yea" as "yeah" - so that particular word interrupts the flow of the story for me. But that is all. Really. I like this very much and I'm interested in the continuing adventures of Shaun Tess.

Keep writing!
ddreamer9159 chapter 1 . 6/8/2013
Not bad, il bite seems like this story will get me to care about wat happens to the charecters
antonm1107 chapter 13 . 6/6/2013
Try to avoid flashbacks like that. I've got nothing against flashbacks themselves, but only if they have some sort of context, something that makes it make sense. Why did you show Riolu's past? The flashback itself is nice, but it's so out of context that I'm taken out of the story.
Try to stick to one perspective. If you want to show the motivations of other characters, do so in extra chapters, in a separate story, or in such a way that it's relevant to what's currently happening.
antonm1107 chapter 2 . 6/6/2013
I'm not really sure if 'Yea' is actually the correct spelling, but it doesn't seem right compared to 'yeah'.
Also, dialogue. Try to make it seem more realistic, please? Druggies tend to use shorter words like 'trip' rather than 'hallucination'. Whenever you make a conversation in the story, say it aloud - not anything else between, ONLY the conversation (acting out certain parts is alright). If you don't do that (or are not already well-versed in the realm of dialogue), conversations seem a bit awkward.
antonm1107 chapter 1 . 6/6/2013
I'd just like to point out that it's "psychedelic drugs" rather than "hallucination drugs." If you want your doctors to sound like they know what they're doing, you'd better start using the lingo.
Besides this and a few minor grammatical gripes (lower-case what at the beginning of a dialogue), I'd say that this has a lot of promise!
Shinkiro chapter 15 . 5/27/2013
How could you stop..

Write please more, you are amazing.
This fiction is amazing.

It is realy great, keep going!
Eryn Goddess of Chaos chapter 15 . 4/13/2013
Just finished reading the available chapters and I have to say, it's a very unique and dark twist on the Pokemon world, one that I'm kind of in love with. I don't have any constructive criticism so much as some of your sentences can either be too ambiguous or it's a little awkwardly worded, such as the bit down at the bottom of this chapter where Eric is talking to Andrew and it threw me off a little that I didn't know who it was that was talking or if Andrew was answering back.

I'm more nitpicky when it comes to grammar issues so I apologize. :U But irregardless, I'm thoroughly enjoying the story and hope to see a new chapter soon.
Y-ko chapter 15 . 3/5/2013
I think you're relying a little too heavily on the game mechanics. Flinching, for example, always felt like more of an abstraction to me, rather than a hard-coded rule to follow. Critical hits are the same way.

The way you occasionally slip into third-person omniscient is jarring as well. I don't think it's necessary, since you can show other people's emotions easily through body language and you can probably pull some empathetic link bullshit with Riolu if you really need to.

I do like that Sableye. One of my favorite Pokemon, and you've captured him just right.
Y-ko chapter 13 . 3/5/2013
So the year-long time limit is to let them lock the convicts up again and do experiments on them, possibly fusing them with their strongest Pokemon? Or was it just for an added sense of urgency? I can't remember which it was.

I see what you're trying to do, using physical reactions to depict emotional state, and that's a good thing, but there's a lot of cliches slipping in. Turns out there's this thing called an "emotion thesaurus" that exists, and I've been finding it really helpful, so try Googling for that.

Your prose is still really awkward. I know you "haven't had a lot of time" and all, but there are parts where the sentence structure makes it read like a first draft.
Y-ko chapter 12 . 3/5/2013
Ha, I knew you'd start doing the shipping thing eventually.
WolfbainKohaku chapter 15 . 2/24/2013
I was quite surprised to find this update when I checked my email today. Though the story has been on the back of my mind, I honestly haven't thought about it in a good while, though that happens a lot with me due to the wide number of stories I read. As I said in a previous review, this is a great story that is far more unique compared to other Pokemon fanfictions. I love the brutality and otherwise real world situations found throughout the story, and though he's a straight-up prick, I really enjoy Shaun as the main character. There are way too many happy-go-lucky, sunshine and rainbow stories when it comes to Pokemon due to the childlike qualities the tv shows had. As far as advice goes, keep up what you are already doing, you've built up reality in this story so keep it up. I'm sure I don't have to tell you to keep things difficult for Shaun, with the way things are going training wise, he has a much better chance of beating this first gym leader, but his Jew injury might just screw everything up, but his luck factor could jump in and save his ass at the last minute. I can't wait to read the next chapter, this is one of the few stories I don't have to reread to remember what happens after a delayed chapter update bit that doesn't mean I want to wait half a year again for the newest chapter. :)
The Silent Insomniac chapter 15 . 2/23/2013
I don't really have anything to say about this chapter, or your work in general.

You write well, the character development isn't lacking, the interactions and dialogue are realistic, and I can see the growth in your main character, as well as feel the themes of stigma and prejudice permeating in the narrative. The project as a whole stands out on its own quite clearly and the themes are not exactly common in the fandom.

If anything has changed, I guess it would be you've made an emphasis on the descriptions and the personalities. All the small stuff. The chapter's a lot longer than what the previous ones used to be, so that change is obviously more prominent than before, even if they were already present to begin with.

Keep writing.
Adin Terim chapter 15 . 2/23/2013
It was nice to read everything in one spot and it gave me an excuse to reread the previous chapters. Shaun's attempts to get control over his rhyhorn should prove interesting, whether he succeeds or not.

So was the phanpy that Eric used was actually Andrews? Or is he just talking about a different phanpy? His tie to Lance is pretty interesting, looking forward to finding out how they are connected.

I did find one misspelling, in "Sabley was hunched" there is an e missing in sableye. Can't wait to for the next chapter, keep up the good work.
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