|Reviews for Smile|
| Insert New Name Here chapter 1 . 4/10/2013
PLEASE continue this story! I LOVED it! It's one of the only angst stories I've ever loved!
I'll do ANYTHING!
| Guest chapter 4 . 5/8/2012
please right another gooood stuff
| Salnar chapter 4 . 5/13/2011
I'm glad someone wrote a Miyako/Yuno fanfic, they are very cute together but disappointingly have very little attention. Thank you Discet! I'm looking forward to the story.
| ComradeYuri chapter 4 . 4/13/2011
Once more, Discet continues with Yuno's confused (yet somehow likable?) emotional debacle with her friend Miyako. Will Sae be able to help our confused heroine in this time of epic drama? Will resolution come to misunderstanding or would it mutate into relational threat? Find out in Chapter 5!
An improvement from the previous ones, I see more consistency here and structure. Good step! Also, excellent that you have begun to be more descriptive with the objects that make the characters' surroundings and their interactions overall. Proficient use of italics to distinguish between Yuno's little monologues and what's actually happening.
Be careful however, still I spot some word mishaps that can be easily ironed out (cloths-i'm sure you meant clothes, unless Yuno has a penchant for wearing only loincloth) "non-chelate" is another word or something, but I think you meant "non-chalant", didn't you?
I take that you really are going to tell the story from dear Yuno, yes? It's kind of difficult to tell a story from a young girl's eyes, well for me at least, given that I'm not female.
| ComradeYuri chapter 3 . 3/23/2011
Hmm...It's interesting that you have dedicated one section to Yuno's perspective of the story. A first-person view (like what you have just done) can make the story sound more personal. You have used Italics for the entire piece, so it is evident that all these follow through Yuno's mind.
be careful however, try not to confuse the readers (especially on the previous chapters). Use italics when referring to a person's thoughts, but most importantly, decide who's point of view is that the story really is told? In Chapter 1 and 2, i have seen some parts where you use "I felt somewhat uncomfortable...etc" without the Italics. Who is the "I"? was it Yuno or Miyako? you need to be careful, because if I read you correctly I understood that the first two chapters were not meant to be told in a first person perspective but 3rd person (neither Yuno or Miyako's perspective) So...you need to decide which way you would like to tell your overall FanFic.
also watch out, Chapter 2 still says "end of Chapter 1" at the end. This "interlude" chapter should probably be called something else - although I'm not sure yet. I'll tell you when I figure it out.
On to the story, I like what you're doing here. So, it seems that Yuno is not exactly looking forward to a GirlxGirl relationship with Miyako, but it appears that even her own emotions are not sure. Is Yuno just simply curious, confused, or does she ultimately only see Miyako as a friend, not a lover? (this would deeply break poor Miyako's heart if that was the case.)
Keep going, I am still reading and following your progress (though right now, not many appear to be interested in Hidamari anymore).
| ComradeYuri chapter 2 . 3/20/2011
haha~ so you were just waiting for someone to be kind enough to say something? no problem, Discet.
don;t worry about your background on Miya. It's not really the focus of the story, but a little background does help. FanFics are not always accurate nor canonical to the original.
I want to be helpful, here, so I'll try not to be too critical. First off, picking up where you left off from the previous chapter, you've started to build a kind of dramatic tension between Miya and Yuno. stemming from conflict on Miya's "desire", who should be the deserving one? who is it that needs something more from this friendship? or has the relationship now totally changed? how much would Yuno let her friend through? these are some thoughts I've had upon reading both your chapters...which might help you in steering your story.
the second thing is your narrative. I sort of can see how your story is very "action-based", events after all are the movement of any story. However, try to keep your narrative from feeling as if it was a report of what Miya has done and how Yuno reacts. I do see some color in the events you portray, but try to put some more description. unlike manga and anime, written works do not have a visual component. so, the words you use should drive the imagination of the reader, to create the images and play it like a movie in his/her head. to sum up...describe more of the feeling, the surroundings, use comparisons, and whatever else that might fit. keep the reader eating, but don't forget to put icing in the cake!
with that said, continue to build the tension, that uncertainty. this is what keeps readers going, and throwing everything all in one page is like overloading the plate.
one last thing...Chapter 2 still has "end of chapter 2" at the end. I thought you should know.
Keep going, and still, watch the spelling. I will be more than happy to read more of what you have and give you advice. You have the workings of a writer in the making. Plus, I love Hidamari maybe too much, so - I'd like to see how Miya stands to her feelings!
| ComradeYuri chapter 1 . 3/18/2011
A nice piece for a YunoxMiyako idea. I myself was intrigued by the concept, of how the playful (and at times obtuse) Miyako would have this side in regards to her good friend.
Keep going! However, watch your spellings. There was some confusing parts in the middle where Yuno turned into Yuna or something? Just keep an eye for those minot details, then things would be fine.
I'd love to read more of what you have in mind!