Reviews for This Really is Heaven
umbrella0326 chapter 1 . 3/9
Absolutely adorable. Brutally honest and sweet at the same time - that's hard to do.

This is very well written and I'm impressed with the text language - nice!

Good story - I'm recommending this to others.
midlifecrisses chapter 1 . 7/16/2013
OMG this was so sweet. Kurt Hummel really is better than anyone else on the planet.
Nom Supprime chapter 1 . 4/22/2011
That was just so cute. :3 And the drunk texts made me giggle. Hehe.
Ella Greggs chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
The drunk text exchange was adorable.
previouslysane chapter 1 . 3/1/2011
I forgot to review it here so imma review it here too

I really, really liked this story. I think its one of the only stories that makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.

it's great. :D
TheFutureMrKarofsky chapter 1 . 2/28/2011
That fic just filled me with so much happiness and hope for my ABSOLUTE favorite pairing of Dave and Kurt! Kurtofsky 4eva!
HaystackPlan chapter 1 . 2/27/2011
So cute!
Chesh-cat-rus chapter 1 . 2/27/2011
*_*

loved it so much

that was great, astonishing and astounding

though it was really hard to read text messages
the pink post-it chapter 1 . 2/27/2011
aww this was a sweet one shot, Dave confessing everything to Kurt. I felt bad for Dave hearing the little speech about how bad he feels for being gay etc. But then Kurt kisses him kind of letting him know that there is nothing wrong with being gay.
SwinPcestN chapter 1 . 2/26/2011
awwww! i love your drunk text so cute! great job!
Stephenson Billings chapter 1 . 2/26/2011
Sweat, Sodomy and Radical Socialism: A Shocking Look Inside America’s Most Dangerous Gay Bars

Recently, national debate brought attention to the construction of Islamic mosques on American soil and the risk these cells of fundamentalist activity pose to the safety of this country. Yet there is another threat entrenched in our very communities that has gotten far less attention. Like Muslim centers, these institutions serve as recruitment centers and training grounds. They prey on our most naïve young men. They ply with promises and threats, stimulants and fantasies. Sadly, the danger these dank halls of hedonism pose to the future of our nation is far more heinous than any cloistered Arab sweatlodge.

Yes, it is the Gay Bar of which we speak. Gay bars were once something of an urban legend, an odd rumor that someone who knew someone may have sighted in the shadow of a big city train station. They were down ghetto side streets and had wide, swinging doors. No elaborate signs announced their locations for they were painfully shameful places, intentionally hidden from the concerned eyes of normal society. All that has changed in recent years. Now an itchy rash of these businesses is spreading to our towns and rural communities. They’re on our Main Streets, next door to diners and hardware stores, appearing as legitimate as any McDonalds. They are blistery places, announcing themselves with shrieks of disco music and brightly laminated flyers. Don’t let the cheery visage fool you, however, for they transform into something decidedly sinister once the sun goes down.

Simply put, America’s gay bars serve to falsely legitimate a notorious lifestyle choice. To say these places are un-American misses the point. They are much worse. They enable obscene physical violation, addictive drug abuse and the heights of political subversion. It is here that the agenda for overthrowing the normative values of society are devised. Across grimy pooltables and busy urinals, over cigarette ashtrays and fruity mixed drinks, the worst schemes to corrupt everything from traditional marriage to the age of consent laws are hatched by these relentlessly perverse plotters. They are all about sex. Sex all the time.

And let’s not forget about the children.

Sweat, Sodomy and Radical Socialism

“Abandon All Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here”

As you enter one of these establishments, you are instantly hit by the noise of gossip and fluids being traded with vicious abandon. The black-painted walls and pulsing red lights will bring to mind a World War II bunker on high alert. Yes, the danger is imminent! On any given night, you may encounter a crowd that consists of aging florists, European fashion photographers, old money millionaires, beer-bellied truck drivers, urban runaways, scruffy-faced all-American jocks groping Asian college students, coked-up hustlers in torn tanktops, Latino gang bangers in loose-fitting sweatpants, barrel-chested black men who smell of cologne and lubricant…

These people around you will reach a pitch of unnerving excitement as men move back and forth at narcotically-inspired speeds, rearranging themselves for drinks and furtive fondling like chess pieces on the game board of spit-slickened animal depravity. Careers are born on those sticky barroom stools. Young men slide close to captains of industry, unbuttoning shirts mother may have ironed only hours before, letting a mature hand explore their plateaus of quivering flesh. Actors and journalists, web entrepreneurs and public school teachers will conspire to monopolize their respective industries. How many corporate domination schemes have been based solely on a shared proctological propensity? America would be shocked to know.

As you settle into a quiet spot, a Grizzly Adams look-alike will saunter up and desperately try to get the attention of a bartender he had unrepentant anal intercourse with years ago. Yes, after a decade he is still banking on those two minutes of shared musk for a free Cosmo and facile chatter. Delicate boys, their Gucci pockets stuffed with exotic lip balms and unpaid rent bills, will use any smile as an excuse to approach. Dropping a hand in your lap, they will waste no time in determining whether you are endowed, financially or otherwise. A screaming transvestite will lurch toward you, spilling her oversized cocktail on your new Gap jeans. And maybe in that moment, with Ms. Destiny’s icy vodka cranberry chilling your loins, you will come to understand that all hope is lost. You have been rammed up the colon of stale beer and faded dreams.

Sweat, Sodomy and Radical Socialism

San Francisco’s infamous gay leather clubs force themselves on you with tragically macho names: Anvil, Boiler Room, Dugout, Ramrod. These titles are meant to intimidate with threats of surprise anal rape. While that danger is real, the masculinity surely is questionable. The denizens are most likely chartered accountants and home decorators who spend the rest of their week in chintz-drenched apartments singing Les Miserables and caring for a fussy miniature dog named “Mr. Bubbles.” In New York’s crime-plagued Puerto Rican district, there is a bar named after a common farm animal. It is infamous for its crystal meth-dealing drag queens, slumming D-list celebrities and stage performers who give themselves whiskey enemas before entranced audiences. In Los Angeles, West Hollywood is known in underground circles as the place where young men go to place their film careers in the moisturized palms of the effete elite. The bars here have monikers like Backlot, Daddy Warbucks, Capone’s, Improvision and Numbers, giving a surly nod to California’s most homosexually-dominated industry. Even our nation’s capital is not immune. Washington, D.C. is home to a rash of bars whose names (Secrets, Phase One, Hung Jury, Mr. P’s) belie their patrons’ profound interest in destroying our most hallowed legal protections.

For the heterosexual community, the danger is that straight men will the chance upon these gay bars unaware. Husbands, seeking a little reprieve from the cloying miasma of home life, may think they’re convenient places to stop in on the way back from the office. Suffering from the exhaustion of a long day at work, one might not notice the strapping, exclusively male clientele. College boys, jilted by ungrateful girlfriends, confused by cell phone maps and hormonal tyranny, are easily drawn to the flashing lights of these houses of ill repute. Affected and disaffected young men will find in the gay bar the perfect place to codify their rebellion against loving mothers and a God they are not yet mature enough to comprehend. And once these former heroes of family values have ordered that first pint from an overly attentive barman, the novelty of new flesh will push the lusty regulars into a tizzy of strategic maneuvering about them.

The homosexual puts a great deal of stock in fresh meat. It is considered a sign of admirable prowess to convert a heterosexual and after doing so, the gay will be rewarded with several rounds of free drinks from his jealous peers. These people are hyper competitive and yet their battles reside exclusively within the realm of physical conquest. Faith, fame and fortune will never mean as much as anal penetration to the gay man. For those who have dedicated their darkest hours to living in the homosexual bar, hardcore sodomy with “the new member of the team” is the most precious thing imaginable.

Sweat, Sodomy and Radical Socialism

As the hour grows later in America’s most dangerous gay bars, punk rock go go boys with bursting jockstraps will appear, flaunting their funky cargoes in the faces of young and old alike. Ex-cons, still reeking of forced detention, will slice you with their hungry maximum-security eyes from across the room. It’s not unusual in prison to have your body covered in something akin to grill marks after you’ve been assaulted against the bars of your cell. Here, they wear the stains of rusty basement pipes and cigarette burns like badges of honor! And then there are the “leather daddies.” These primordial princes of pigskin live on a steady diet of tap beer and testosterone. At various times throughout the night, the crowd will part as these men wrestle bare-chested for a contested twinkie boy. The winner will claim his moist, purring prize against a back wall while the defeated clears martinis and designer handbags from the bartop so that he may put his head down and weep silently. Swarthy men of unknown origin will emerge from the shadows to beckon the innocent into bathroom stalls where any question of affection is resolved with a quick slap to the face. On your knees, forced to gag in a forest of pungent of pubic hair, is that your idea of love?

The Dark Room

A “dark room” in a uniquely urban homosexual invention. It is a small cage at the back of most gay bars where there is no light. Behind a chain link fence, men strip down to their underwear and embrace the first body they encounter in the blackness. Unexpected acts of sodomy often follow. The man with the largest phallus, regardless of body odor or senility, usually becomes the center of attention. No words are spoken, although the English language would be practically useless in this grunting, ethnic crowd.

With their pharmacologically-enhanced libidos, homosexuals can climax about once an hour over the course of a six to eight hour night. For this reason, they find the darkened room an important element in extending their evening activities into the dawn. It saves them from committing their energies to pursuing a single partner who might end up being flaccid, bossy or uncooperative once at home. It also perpetuates their alcoholism, for between sexual bouts with that muscle-toned gym rat whose whiff of sweaty chest hair gently tickles the cheek, the homosexual will find new stamina in the purchase of fresh Piña Coladas.
myjumpingsocks chapter 1 . 2/26/2011
I completely love that Dave thought Kurt was an angel, epic.
FanFicFan chapter 1 . 2/25/2011
This is a really good story.

(But why did you have to make the 'christian' guy out to be a homophobe?

Contrary to popular assumption - most of the 'christians' that exist (other than the religious-right extremists, who hate everyone including other religious people) are NOT homophobes.

Most actual 'christians' that I have met do NOT hate or fear gay people anymore than they do straight people.)

But anyway - this is a really great story.