|Reviews for And Then You Die|
| gitadine chapter 1 . 5/21/2011
I never established what kind of person Saki Konishi was in my mind, but reading this fic helped me.
| KeRose chapter 1 . 3/2/2011
First off, I can't believe I missed reviewing a few of stories back there; I will defintely get to those after this one. And oh look, this is written for little ol' me? Aww, you shouldn't have. But thanks muchly, domomo (or do*mon, where n is an integer value. Can anyone tell I've had too much math in my life, thus far?)
Anyways, review time.
The opening is very catching; it brings you straight into the story as a short fic should. As usual, I love your way of elaborating the surroundings that bring about a vivid picture.
I loved the paragraph beginning with "Landing with a pained cry..." in all its entirety. Artistically, the last line of this paragraph was well done with a good albeit improper usage of fragments and run-ons to create a rushed tone, not to mention the lingering effect of the "demonic symphony"
The sole line by itself as a paragraph had a huge impact when I was reading it. Perfectly planned.
The encounter with the "inner voices", especially one of her father's lines "I haven't left, unlike you, you ungrateful little bitch. You abandoned our family.", added the required dose 'Persona 4 flavor' to the story to seperate it from a regular suspense fic.
Ahh, and we meet the long awaited shadow Saki.
Hmm, never saw Saki's working at Junes as escapism from her family or anything of that nature. Good job reading into that. As I've said before, you made this a believable addition. Then again, I didn't finish Naoki's link yet, so maybe he provides a bit of insight into her life.
O rly? Saki cares for Hana-chan?
OMG AMAZING FINISH! The apex was at this phrase "How could something so vile be so true?" then it was a snowball of doom effect down to the end. Brilliant!
"Without warning the front of her foot hooked onto a protruding curb,..." Though this entire line is full of unwarranted commas, I think it would be best if you put one after 'warning'. Just an opinion; it's not mandated if you are trying to follow the whole 'less-than-three-words-prepositional-phrase-is-too-good-for-commas' rule.
""D-Dad, I'm coming! D-Don't leave!" she wailed, but her hysteria despite this she ran." I'm not too sure how to fix the latter part of the phrase, but I think you are missing a word or two there.
Wow! I loved reading that. Lately, I;ve had a busy schedule and not much time for reading fics, and thus I've forgotten some of the joy I have derived from reading well written fics. You have reminded me of that feeling. Thanks. I will slowly make my backwards to review the other couple I missed. ttyl