|Reviews for A Place to Begin|
| nonantum chapter 1 . 1/3
even though it's that time of night that's too late to be late and yet too early to be early
I really like this phrase. Reminds me of Raymond Chandler, like, "that night the Pacific Ocean had the sweats,"
Reminds me of feelings of Willem desiring Stella in the beginning of Smiley's People by LeCarre vastly expanded. Reminds me of Smiley's fears as he finds the tortured body of Otto Leipzig in Hamburg in the same novel.
It's not long before they're a tangled mess of limbs and blankets and she's crying out for him, crying out his name with a desire that goes so much deeper than primal, superficial lust.
And it's not Deeks either.
See Song of Songs, especially 8:6-7
6 Set me as a seal upon thy heart, as a seal upon thine arm; for love is strong as death, jealousy is cruel as the grave; the flashes thereof are flashes of fire, a very flame of the LORD.
7 Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it; if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, he would utterly be contemned.
The very thought of you makes my heart sing
Like an April breeze on the wings of spring
And you appear in all your splendor
My one and only love
The shadows fall and spread their mystic charms
In the hush of night while you're in my arms
I feel your lips, so warm and tender
My one and only love
The touch of your hand is like heaven
A heaven that I've never known
The blush on your cheek whenever I speak
Tells me that you are my own
You fill my eager heart with such desire
Every kiss you give sets my soul on fire
I give myself in sweet surrender
My one and only love
My one and only love
Songwriters: Guy B. Wood / Robert Mellin
My One And Only Love lyrics Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.
Excerpts William Faulkner's Address on receiving the Nobel Prize for Literature 1950
the problems of the human heart in conflict with itself which alone can make good writing because only that is worth writing about, worth the agony and the sweat.
the old verities and truths of the heart, the old universal truths lacking which any story is ephemeral and doomed – love and honor and pity and pride and compassion and sacrifice.
he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance. The poet’s, the writer’s, duty is to write about these things. It is his privilege to help man endure by lifting his heart, by reminding him of the courage and honor and hope and pride and compassion and pity and sacrifice which have been the glory of his past. The poet’s voice need not merely be the record of man, it can be one of the props, the pillars to help him endure and prevail.
You've written a novel; go create some characters, some dramatic action; keep writing and reading; get an agent.
| Stacyjo66 chapter 1 . 8/24/2018
please continue, i am really enjoying this story
| RhondaLara chapter 1 . 9/8/2015
Wonderful! Enjoying all your Densi Stories!
| magical-mystery-girl chapter 1 . 10/5/2013
This practically begs for a sequel...or, if nothing else, it makes me beg for a sequel...lol Anyway, great story, more UST than I was expecting at the end but pretty good all around. Nice job!
| Biank Radcliffe chapter 1 . 10/3/2013
Another perfect fic.
Oh my God, seriously woman, your fics are just perfection.
| Lydian Stone chapter 1 . 9/16/2013
This was a unique way to show the progression of her feelings. So glad Deeks got to be the hero in the end. : D
| Anjelly6 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
“And she certainly doesn't remember him slipping into bed with her. *BECAUSE HE ROCKED HER WORLD AND SHE BLACKED OUT. Ahem.*
But he's there, though. And she's curled against his side, her head resting on his shoulder. His arm is around her; hers is draped over his chest. She's warm, cozily warm, and even though it's likely crossing seventy-five different lines to be so intimately close to her partner, she can't deny that it just feels nice. Good.
Despite those cozy feelings of warmth, Kensi can't help but hope that, in a moment of somnolent weakness, she didn't actually ask him to stay.” SO MUCH LOVE FOR THIS IMAGE. And for the fact that she’s afraid she asked, when it was all she needed anyway.
“Almost unconsciously, her fingers dance lightly over his chest; though she's seeing the motion and realizing it's probably a bit too bold, Kensi can't stop herself. She's almost mesmerized by the motion, combined with the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, and she thinks, as her fingers hover just above where she knows one of the scars from his shooting is, it could almost be enough to lull her back to sleep.
The movement gives her away, though, and she realizes that her companion wasn't really sleeping at all. "Kens," he murmurs sleepily. And then he whispers the two words that, under any other circumstances, would have her on the defensive. "You okay?"” THIS IS GORGEOUS. I love the image of her not being able to help the motion, and love love love Deeks asking if she’s okay! So sweet!
I love this entire conversation here. The hesitation that doesn’t last because for once, for the very first time, Kensi wants to share. Needs to. And he’s the only one who can bring her relief (and release) and for once he’s not pushing, she goes on anyway. Awww! I love how concerned he is, just how much he cares!
Awww, he still has nightmares about her being taken by the Russians. Both :’( and threes! Marty! He loves her so much!
“He's lost her more times than he's saved her. Nightmares, indeed.” Chills again. Perfect, twin. Your imagery, the power of your words…wow!
“For now, they've got a place to begin. And from there, all will fall into place in due time.” I LOVE THIS ! LOVE LOVE LOVE IT. So beautiful, so promising!
“Shifting against him, Kensi draws him out of his thoughts with a soft yawn. "I'm so tired…" she murmurs, more to drift away from the latest topic of discussion than anything else.
He lets her. "Then sleep, Kens…" he coaxes gently, hesitating for but a second before adding the words that, in broad daylight, might in fact get him shot again. "I'm not going anywhere." AWWWWW! BUNCHES OF THREES CUDDLING AND SWORDING SLOWLY AND SOFTLY
He knows Kensi. He knows a bit about her family; he knows about her last partner; he knows about Jack. He knows, on some level, that this is what she needs right now, even though he also knows she'd never admit it aloud. *He does know her. And I love that. How much she let him in without noticing.*
She lifts her head then at his words, and even in the darkness Deeks can see the plea that hides behind her eyes. "Don't say that," *OOOH she’s scared!* she says, suddenly hyper-aware of his proximity to her, his arms around her, the fact that she could move just a tiny bit and be able to lock her lips with his…*DO IT KENS!* Shaking the temptation away, she focuses on his eyes, so deep, so blue, so…filled with a list of emotions that she's not ready to name lest he see them in her eyes too. "Unless you mean it." * OF COURSE HE DOES YOU IDIOT!*There's a hint of desperation in her voice, but Kensi's much too exhausted to care.
Tenderly he touches her cheek, AWWW holding her gaze for the longest moment before he speaks again, his words quiet, deliberate, and nothing if not completely genuine. "I'm not going anywhere," he repeats. AND HE IS NOT BECAUSE HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE HER ON PURPOSE.
And truly, he means much more than just this moment. *Okay, eyes tearing up her! So gorgeous!*
As she settles back against him, he tests the boundaries between them by wrapping his arms fully around her, drawing her into his embrace. She doesn't fight him, doesn't try to push him away. Instead, she merely gives in, partially because she's too tired to fight, and partially because the notion that he cares for her fills her with the kind of warmth she hasn't felt in...possibly six long years. *Awww! I love how he makes her feel loved and safe like Jack did before he went to war. Love that she thinks of him that way in her head – as a lover, not just a friend*
Feeling his own drowsiness gnaw at the edge of his consciousness, Deeks glances over to the nightstand, his eyes lazily checking the time. It's then that his gaze lands upon something else there on the nightstand, something he hasn't seen in quite some time.
"You have my watch," he says quietly, his voice colored by a slight tinge of awe. He won't pretend to know how Kensi Blye's mind works, but there are some things that don't need to be explained. SHE DOES! Because she loves you!
She hums softly, grateful that he can't see her face – she feels the rush of heat that floods her cheeks. He was never supposed to catch her with that, after all. But now that he has, she has no choice but to own up to it. "I have your watch…"
"It's kind of like a jelly bracelet, you know." No he doesn’t, you need to tell him all your secrets! Even the kinky ones!
He doesn't, though. And she knows he doesn't – that's what makes it okay for her to admit it.
He doesn't ask her what she means.
And he never asks for it back.”
OKAY I QUOTED UNTIL THE END BECAUSE I COULDN’T STOP MYSELF!
So much love for this story! I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT AND YOUR WRITING AND GIMME ALL THE WORDZ AWESOME TWIN!
| Anjelly5 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
“She thinks maybe she's losing her mind.” Oh, you lost it like, the day you were born, crazy badass Blye.
SO, SO TRUE. Because Deeks is the exception to every rule : “Except for Deeks.
And that's the flaw in her brilliant plan – it doesn't work on him because he's Deeks. Because he's the partner who loves nothing more than to be underneath her skin at all hours of the day. He's the partner who loves nothing more than to rile her up and press her buttons; loves nothing more than to get some kind of response out of her. Nobody else would dare play with her quite like this, she thinks. Deeks, though, he's like the exception to her every rule. The more she tries to distance herself from him, the closer he seems to be to her.” AND SHE WANTS HIM SO MUCH CLOSER! (Death Cab for Cutie – Transatlanticism, “I want you so much closer” in mind just for that line)
NATE! BUNCHES OF THREES DANCING IN THE SKY WITH DINOZ!
“He smiles up at her; not for the first time, Kensi finds herself realizing just how much she misses that smile; just how much she misses him. Though she's often been reluctant to take it, Nate's general presence has always filled the Ops center with a sense of tranquility.” Love this. It’s so quiet, just gorgeous.
I awwwed about that on Skype, you know it! “"For you? Always," he says warmly, and with that he closes the file he'd been reading, fixing her with his gaze.
His eyes are nothing less than utterly inviting, filled with the warmth that Kensi's always tried to resist giving in to before. Tonight, though, she welcomes the comfort.
She welcomes him, because she knows she can't keep doing this.”
“The confessions feel utterly foreign as they pass by her lips, but Kensi presses on – she's started, so she might as well finish. *So typical Kensi* The fear, the confusion, the despair, the anxiety, the…loneliness – somehow it all comes tumbling out and by the time she's done, she's wishing she felt at least somewhat lighter.
She doesn't.” She doesn’t, because she needs to talk to Deeks. She needs Deeks, period. But I love that she can’t stop talking, and that she doesn’t refrain about it, doesn’t try to stop herself. She says it all – maybe she hides some sexy parts about waking up whimpering and trembling from just the thought of Deeks hovering over her, but heh, still, she doesn’t hide anything.
“She has no idea what he's thinking – for all she knows, he's probably deciding she's certifiably insane. She's got news for him though – Deeks has beaten him to that diagnosis, albeit playfully.
And there he is in her head again. Just like that.(…) "I think you know who you need to talk to."” SHE DOES AND SHE WILL. I love Nate, God I miss him so much. He’s the balance of the team, he needs to come back. Needs to be that balance when even every pair of partners can’t deal with their problems on their own.
“If Callen can live like that, then damn it, so can she.” Heh, challenge again. If Callen can, she can. Well, no, darling! You will fail and you shouldn’t even try – GO SEE YOUR BABY MARTY!
And I think that this is my favorite part of the story. When reality strikes. Seriously. I love the nightmares, the dreams, the explanations and analysis in between, but what I love the most is the resolution of all of this in this final sequence. When dreams turn into reality, when finally, finally she lets him in. Let him see her unguarded and weakened, fragile and tired, when she can’t push him anymore. Love that.
Love how familiar his voice got. How soothing and quiet it is to her.
“And now she's pulling herself from what had been more than a quick, five minute nap with the help of his voice and the feel of his hand slowly rubbing at her back. Actually, the latter threatens to relax her back into sleep, but Kensi fights the urge, allowing it simply to soothe her rather than sedate her.” Love that image of him kneeling next to her and rubbing her back and then her hair in the following paragraphs. And how comforting it is to her. It takes a great deal of trust to let the motion lure her into sleep. Awww. Threes!
“He chuckles a bit, slightly shaking his head. "Not really what I meant." Deftly, he reaches up and gently closes the file she'd been looking at before falling asleep. "You need to go home, Kens," he says, letting a hand drift, rather dangerously, to her. Almost unconsciously, he smoothes her mildly tousled hair, a bit surprised when she doesn't slap his hand away. *I LOVE THAT. So adorable! So meaningful that she’d let him do so, too.*
It strikes him then, even with his heart clenching for her, just how utterly beautiful she is. Even exhausted, disheveled, maybe even a little bit broken, she's gorgeous. *Aww, he loves her! No matter what! Even with 30 more pounds because of baby Fern!*
He wonders if she truly realizes that. *No, tell her. I think Kensi really doesn’t. She knows she’s hot, but doesn’t truly believe she’s beautiful. Last guy who made her feel like that left her, so… Yeah.*
He'd give anything to say it. *THEN SAY IT BABY!*
Instead, he pulls himself to his feet and extends a hand to her. "Let me take you home?" *So, so cute!*
It's a question, but the look in his eyes tells her that there's no way he's taking no for an answer. That's Deeks, after all – pushy and demanding at times, but even Kensi can't deny that he means well.
Without a word, she accepts his hand and lets him pull her to her feet.”
LOVE BEYOND INFINITY AND YES I QUOTED AGAIN HOW COULD I NOT I IZ IN LOVE WITH YOUR WORDZ I BOW IN FRONT OF YOU AND KISS THE GROUND YOU WALKED ON AND I AM NEVER WRITING AGAIN BECAUSE OF REASONS
| Anjelly4 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
She doesn't need to lose him to know that she will. *I both love and hate that idea. Because she’s already trying to hide in her shell to protect herself before it happens. As if it’s gonna lessen the pain. Heads up Kens: it won’t. You’re already in too deep (and he’s too, in you) so you should enjoy the moments you get to spend with him instead of running away from him. Before it’s too late.*
“It's the first one she's entirely unable to explain. LIES
She thinks maybe it's the one that unsettles her most of all.
And it's because she can't honestly say that the feelings from the dream are ridiculous.” OF COURSE THEY’RE NOT. SHE WANTS HIM. OH GOD, HOW SHE DOES WITH EVERY FIBER OF HER BEING BUT MOSTLY SOME PARTS OF HER BODY.
“By the time it runs cold, she's frustrated to find that it hasn't washed away the images of the dream…much less the feelings.
No, those remain. OF COURSE THEY DO YOU SILLY GIRL. A SHOWER WON’T WASH AWAY JUST HOW MUCH YOU WANT HIM INSIDE YOU RIGHT NOW, ABOVE AND AROUND AND IN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
Both the fear from having him gunned down in front of her again, and the unfettered delight of being in his arms.” Love love that. Again, how her greatest fear is losing him, and her greatest desire to have him.
SEXY DREAM OMG BRB DELETING EVERYTHING I EVER WROTE BECAUSE I SUCK AND YOU ROCK. Love this entire dream right there, but God, above everything else, what I am truly in love with is the ending:
“It's intense, ridiculously so. But then again, everything between them is.
It's not long before they're a tangled mess of limbs and blankets and she's crying out for him, crying out his name with a desire that goes so much deeper than primal, superficial lust. HELLO THAT’S LOVE TALKING - SCREAMING
And it's not Deeks either.
It's Marty.” AWWW MARTY. ;) She can’t hide anything from him in there (hehe) nor can she resort to calling him Deeks because, no, simply no. He’s Marty in there. I love the depth of intimacy it reveals that she can’t help but screaming his first name. It says so much.
“It's completely inexplicable…and yet, it makes absolutely perfect sense that she'd dream something like that tonight.
After all, he'd kissed her that night.” SQUEALS! I remember the squeals I made the first time I read that piece. I kinda figured it would be an op, but still!
I love the idea that she was so lost in him she couldn’t be of any help about the op!
AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT SENTENCE BECAUSE I ALREADY QUOTED IT IN MY FIRST REVIEW AND ALSO I KEEP TELLING YOU ABOUT IT BECAUSE LOVE LOVE LOVE GOD MARTY YES: “With Callen, she'd never actually shivered.”
“It strikes her as she gazes up at the ceiling that it may not be the shooting that's haunting her – the last few nights she's dreamed *DREAMS AND NOT NIGHTMARES YOU SAID IT GIRL* of him, there haven't been bullets. If she's honest with herself, she's noticed the change – noticed it, and ignored it, hoping it would disappear. FAIL, KENS!
With her father, with Callen, with Dom, with everything…as time passed, the nightmares all disappeared. They pop up from time to time, certainly, but she certainly doesn't find herself fearful of sleep because of them.
It's different with Deeks. OF COURSE IT IS. AND IT ALWAYS WILL BE. YOU KNOW WHAT ? BECAUSE YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HIM. THAT BOTH COMPLICATES THINGS AS MUCH AS IT MAKES THEM ALL SO MUCH BETTER, THRILLING AND BEAUTIFUL.
Time has passed, but rather than disappear, the dreams have shifted. They've become less about his shooting…and more about Deeks. NAKED DEEKS. STRONG DEEKS PINNING HER TO THE DOOR AND HAVING HIS WAY RIGHT THERE WITH HER – AND THEN AGAIN IN THE BED! YES SIR!
They've become less about losing him, and more about having him. Wanting him. YUP BECAUSE I’VE BEEN TELLING YOU THAT YOU WANT HIM FOR THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THAT REVIEW, SILLY GIRL!
His grin flashes before her eyes then; she alarmed that it's accompanied by a light fluttering in her stomach. *Light ? Lies. It’s a hurricane.*
She thinks, for a brief, uninhibited moment, that she might be just a tiny bit in love with him. *Lies! She’s completely, irrevocably in love with him, with everything that she is.*
But then again, it's Deeks.
So the very thought is just absurd.
Isn't it? *No*
And that's the question she lays awake pondering for the rest of the night. SHE SHOULD GET UP AND RESOLVE IT WITH HIM IN HIS BED”
YES I QUOTES EVERYTHING AGAIN SO WHAT SUE ME !
| Anjelly3 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
“She's the target.
But they're sure as hell sick and tired of Deeks interfering.
One more bullet to his chest ensures that he'll never do so again.” NO. :’( I simply cannot deal with the idea of… of anyone hurting him, killing him because… No. This idea, this picture in my head just there. Brrr, chills. And tears. Marty… :’(
That basically left her alone with Deeks. AS IF THIS WASN’T HER WILDEST FANTASY! :P
“It's getting frustrating, especially since, with his return to work, she was supposed to stop dreaming of him.” *You know what’s getting frustrating too, Kens ? Your attitude. Just love the man already, instead of soon dreaming of it. ;)
“And maybe, she thinks with insight she imagines Nate would be proud of, maybe she keeps dreaming of him because she's put so much energy into not thinking about him during the day. Maybe she keeps seeing him because she's spent so much time pretending that she hadn't almost lost him.” Heh, as Nate’s better substitute, I do approve that I’m a bit prove she’s not lying to herself for once!
Awww, Kens. You SO love him. “ And terrifying truly was the word for it – for someone her colleagues sometime describe as fearless to the point of being insane, Kensi had been frightened. “
“Another stab of guilt makes itself known – he's her partner, and she seems to know less about him than a few criminals who'd never even met him. *This tugs at my heart so deeply. That she realizes it, but does no effort to remedy it. Instead, she ignores him. Face the heartache, Kensi, instead of just running from it before it happens. It’s part of life, along with happiness – one doesn’t come without the other, and it’s better to hurt than feel nothing at all. SO GO SEE HIM ALREADY!*
Don't do that, she hears again in Nate's voice in her head.” YES DO IT IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING! Hehe, no, seriously, don’t do that, baby girl. You couldn’t have seen it coming.
“It's not like her to linger, and especially not for this long.
She's not ready to admit that there's a reason for that. BUT YOU WILL SOON.
She's not ready to admit that there's something just under the surface, something that's keeping her from letting go and moving forward. THE FACT THAT SHE LOVES HIM ? YES PLEASE
She's not ready to admit that losing him would mean so much more than losing another partner.” BECAUSE HE IS DEEKS. THE ONLY ONE SHE TRUSTS. THE ONLY ONE SHE NEEDS. THE ONLY ONE SHE WANTS. THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS, THE ONLY ONE WHO MEANS THE WORLD TO HER NOW AND FOREVERMORE.
AND HERE COMES THE SEXY FANTASY PART BECAUSE SHE CANNOT STOP THE THOUGHTS ! :P
“She's only seen a deeper shade of blue once before, in a certain someone's desire-laden eyes.” Oh, hello hungry sexy eyes. He has indeed the most beautiful eyes ever and she does drown in them on a daily basis, before drowning into him as he makes her tremble and quiver and whimper and everything.
AND THIS IMAGE IS JUST ADORABLE: “Almost as if on cue, his arms wrap around her from behind. Suddenly, her picture of perfection is complete. (…)Usually, Kensi can do without the showy displays of affection, but right now, she's in too good of a mood to protest. Besides, there's the indisputable truth that, above all else, it does feel nice.”
And I love how he can be sexy while teasing her! Not that he ain’t sexy at all times, but I love that. That she’s melting into his embrace and he’s the one with the upper hand!
"Maybe I want to make a scene on the pier." AND KENSI DOESN’T MIND AS LONG AS HE TAKES RIGHT THEN AND THERE
OH HELLO SEXY AND HOT AND GIMME :“His lips are by her ear again before she can even register the movement. "You love it," he breathes before nibbling playfully at her earlobe, coaxing a quiet giggle from Kensi's lips. It's decidedly girly, but with Deeks' arms around her and his lips driving her crazy in completely innocent ways, she can't bring herself to care about that. So what if he makes her giggle? Just as long as he doesn't do it in front of Callen and Sam…they'd never let her live it down.
Deeks grins at her lack of reply and presses one more kiss to her skin, just behind her ear. "I can't wait to get you home," he whispers, his words a silky promise of all things seductive – she nearly melts right then. "'Cause if you think I'm driving you crazy right now…"
She snorts, grateful that he's behind her and can't see the blush in her cheeks that would give the utter truth of his words away. "I never said you were driving me crazy."
"You didn't have to."
"See, that's the problem with all you men," she retorts, twisting in his arms and finally coming face to face with Deeks. "You all think you're just so good," she embellishes with a fake moan, "but really, you're not near as good as you like to pretend you are." *Hehe, makes me think of a scene in When Harry met Sally where she simulates an orgasm in a restaurant to show him that men can’t make the difference!*
"That's okay," he breathes, dotting a single quick, chaste kiss to the corner of her lips – a single, chaste kiss that inevitably leaves her wanting more. "I'll just have to show you how good I can be." He grins. "Again." *AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN FOREVERMORE. God, how he talks pretty. Kensi likey*
Kensi smirks and slips out of his arms; he watches her intently as she moves around him, placing him between her and the sea. Turning with her, he rests his back against the railing, his eyes discreetly roaming over her as she stands in front of him – it's the devilish glint in her eyes, though, that captures him completely. "Then why don't you stop talking about it and take me home?"
His grin widens and he turns her sultry challenge completely around. "You want me to take you home…I knew I was driving you crazy…" “ YES I DID QUOTE THE ENTIRE SEGMENT SO WHAT ?!
WHY DID YOU KILL HIM AGAIN YOU EVIL ?!
| Anjelly2 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
It's the object that she clung so desperately to while he was in surgery, the one she, rather childishly, kept even after he was placed in his own room. In her defense, he hasn't asked for it…but then again, she hasn't seen him since the hospital. *AND HE WON’T ASK FOR IT BACK BECAUSE HE IZ THRILLED BY THE IDEA AND HE WANNA SEE HER WEAR IT SOMEDAY WHEN SHE’S NOT REALLY FULLY AWAKE AND TAKES HIS INSTEAD OF HERS!*
“She thinks she should probably give it back to him at some point.
For now, though, she allows herself to hold onto it, the pad of her thumb gently stroking the face of the watch just as it had a number of days before. It's calming to her, somehow; she doesn't let herself linger on the reasons for that.
Instead, she likens it to her collection of jelly bracelets. It's not so much that she thinks it'll bring her luck, but comfort.
And God, does it bring her comfort. Inexplicably, yes, but Kensi doesn't question it.”
“…but she's been quietly counting down the days.” I just love this because I’m sure it’s so true. Not only because it’s hard to be squeezed in between Sam and Callen – this could be totally dirty omg – and she’s not used to this anymore, but because she misses him. God, how she does.
“So good that Kensi trusts him completely to have her back in a dicey situation.” OMG KENSI BLYE ACKNOWLEDGING HIS SKILLZ ? MORE THAN THAT, SAYING HE’S SO GOOD SHE TRUSTS HIM WITH HER LIFE ? See, you can do it, Kensi. Do it more often, and to his face now.
“He's saved her before and she trusts him to do it again if necessary, even if it clashes with everything she's always been – the girl who doesn't need to be saved.
But for some reason, she lets it clash.” BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE SHE TRUSTS! BUNCHES OF THREES HAVING BABIES
And this is where my heart breaks “…he doesn't talk about it, but it doesn't take Nate to get inside his head as far as this is concerned. He's never really belonged anywhere; he's never really belonged to anyone. *BUT NOW HE BELONGS TO YOU JUST LIKE YOU BELONG TO HIM AND THAT FOREVER AND FOREVERMORE*
Marty Deeks spends a good portion of his time trying to prove, probably more to himself than to anyone else, that he's good enough. He hides it well behind the smiles and the jokes and the projected over-confidence, but underneath all of that, there are wounds that he's been trying to heal himself for years and years.
He wants to be there for someone. Somebody's hero.
He wants to be needed. *Who wouldn’t ? And that’s so understandable, considering his past. The very reasons why he became a cop, why he went for law in the first place. Because he wants to protect people, sure, but also because he needed to be needed there, if that makes any sense. Not only as the hero, because he’s not self-centered or with a God complex, but because he wanted to be what heroes are about: justice, hope.*
He wants to be needed by his partner. *She does need him. More than she’s comfortable, God, way, way more.*
He needs to prove to himself that he can be there for her when it matters the most.”And he’s always been.
BRB CRYING AND DYING ALONG WITH HIM “It's too much, too fast, and as Kensi wraps her arms around him *THIS PICTURE IS JUST GORGEOUS EVEN WITH THE BLOOD AND THE DYING* and tries to soften his descent to the ground, she swears she can feel the strength leave him with his blood. "No, don't you do this, Deeks," she demands, her voice wavering. "Don't you dare do this to me."” To me. Not to us, not just “don’t you dare die”. It’s “Don’t you dare do this TO ME.” Love that.
| Anjelly1 chapter 1 . 1/11/2013
So this piece has to be one of my absolute favorites. For so many reasons. Not only because it’s gorgeous, or because it’s a follow-up for a fantastic episode. Not just because Kensi’s worst nightmare is to lose Deeks, and her wildest fantasy is to have him. Not just because she ends up wrapped up in his embrace. But, for all of the above, and so many other things I just can’t clear my head long enough to list them all. So, I’ll just do as usual, and comment on every little thing I love even more than the rest of the piece. :P Because, really if I had to comment everything I love, I wouldn’t touch the piece and post it as a review!
Come on, let’s go with the epic ride!
Those nightmares are giving me chills. Terrifying, cold chills. Poor Kensi. Yeah, I just said that. Enjoy it, I’m not gonna sympathize for long. Especially after last episode. AND YEAH, I CAN HATE HER IF I WANT, TO ALL OF YOU WHO THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL PEOPLE HOW THEY SHOULD FEEL ABOUT A DAMN FICTIONAL CHARACTER.
“And then when she turns the corner, her heart stops cold in her chest. The sight that greets her is the most horrific she's ever seen, and she's seen some pretty horrific ones in her line of work. Her knees wobble and her gun nearly slips through her fingers as she takes in the sight of her partner on the ground before her. *Because yup, THAT is Kensi’s greatest fear: losing him. Damn time that she finally realizes it; it’s incredible how you always gotta wait for the worst to happen to realize things. Luckily, she does say it somehow in Touch of Death!*
The shock fills her so completely that Kensi can do no more than stand there, mouth agape as she tries to find her voice, his name on her lips. Nothing comes, not even a shallow whisper, not a startled cry. Her eyes burn, but tears don't cloud her vision – she's certain nothing will be able to blur this image from her mind, either now or later. *okay right now, for the 169745269845845th time, I’m trembling as I write.*
It's hard to believe that just an hour before, he'd been right beside her in her car. He'd been teasing her about her sweet tooth; she'd teased back about some girl he'd struck out with the night before. He'd said something, something that had her fist playfully landing at his shoulder.*that’s the kind of things we always end up doing, thinking about what was, what could have been, if everything had gone as planned – remembering the times when things were simple and good. Poor Kensi to go through this – poor Kensi to think that just barely an hour ago, he was alive, being playful and irritating just the way she loves it, and now… Chills. Brrr.*
*And now this, God* And now he's lying lifeless on the ground just feet away from her, never again to taunt her about the bag of Snickers bars that she swiped from his desk, never again to fix those soulsearching blue eyes upon her, never again to flash that smile of his at her, the one that leaves her weak in the knees.
A dark ocean of blood pools around his body, so much that the metallic scent reaches Kensi's nose and leaves her stomach lurching – she's no stranger to blood, but this is different. It's always different when it's personal.”* Dammit if it is. Fuck it if there’s no way Kensi could get over the death of another partner, over HIS. Because Deeks isn’t just any partner. God, even Kensi knows it back then, in so little time, that this guy is more than just some goofy, annoying LAPD liaison Hetty forced them to greet. She knows he’s more, because she sees him as more – he IS her partner. And her friend. And there’s no way she’s losing him now. She can’t.*
And here goes the what should have been I was talking about. Don’t go there, Kens. :/ “She wonders why she wasn't there for him. She wonders if she could have saved him. She wonders if maybe she got him killed.”
Poor Kensi with all those nightmares. You think she’s had enough for a lifetime, just with her dad. And then, there’s Jack. And then Callen’s shooting. And Dom – God, Dom, the partner she could never save. Of couse that “Kensi Blye is no stranger to nightmares.”
And of course : “So it's no surprise that she dreams about him too.” I love that because right there, it feels like she accepts, at least in her own mind, to add Deeks to that sad collection of fears and losses – to the list of people she loves and cares for, so much that his being shot hurts her, plagues her with nightmares and vivid, horrid pictures.
I love that segment there when she wants to go for a run and realizes that’s how Deeks got shot. That of course, circumstances are different now, but I love that it scares her just a bit, but mostly this: “…but that doesn't matter. He'd been out running. So Kensi knows beyond a doubt that if she does the same, she'll think of him with every mile, every block, every single step. Even with her iPod blasting in her ears, even with every other possible distraction for her mind, she knows she'll think of him. Only of him.” I love that repetition of every there. And, obviously, that very last, simple little sentence. Of course she will think of him, and of course no one or nothing else could occupy her mind at the moment. (and for the rest of her life, really)
I love that she goes to the hospital because there’s nothing else she could do, nowhere else she could go at this point to try and get some relief, some reassure. And I LOVE that part:” In fact, either she does it passably or else there's something in her eyes, something in her face that stops them from stopping her. Either way, she's grateful because she thinks she'd do anything to see him now(…)for a second, she hesitates before quietly pushing her way inside, finally feeling that elusive sense of calm drift over her as she takes in his peaceful form. He's alive; that much is evidenced by the steady rise and fall of his chest and never before has Kensi been so content just to see someone breathe.” I love love love this. Reminds me of Fugue In Red (4x10, The Mentalist) when Jane temporally loses his memory and Lisbon goes to the hospital and says, “It’s good to see you breathing”, to what he replies, “It’s good to see you, period.” Bunches of threes!
OMG LOVE BEYOND INFINITY FOR THIS “Before she even fully realizes what she's doing, she's reaching out to him, tenderly brushing a knuckle along his cheek. Closing her eyes, she concentrates for a moment on the warmth of his skin – he's alive, she tells herself. You haven't lost another partner.” AND YOU WILL NEVER LOSE HIM; AT LEAST HE WILL NEVER INTENTIONALLY LEAVE YOU BECAUSE HE ALREADY LOVES YOU, STUPID GIRL!
“ And Kensi Blye has no weaknesses.” LIES, SO MANY LIES! Her biggest (and sexiest) weakness is a scruffy blond –haired, ocean-eyed hot surfer and LAPD Detective, Liaison Officer with NCIS. SEE KENSI YOU EVEN SAY IT IN THE NEXT SENTENCE LMAO
AND OMG LOVE LOVE LOVE LUV AMOUR AMOR AMORE FOR THIS : “Doesn't really explain the boldness of her next move, though. Gently, almost reverently, she lets her touch drift from Deeks' cheek and into his disheveled blonde hair, her fingers combing slowly through the messy locks. She's almost surprised at the softness of the strands as they thread through her fingers. When she realizes what she's doing, she can only smile.” OF COURSE SHE CAN ONLY SMILE BECAUSE SEXY HAIR ! AND SEXY PARTNER LYING THERE ALL INNOCENT AND GORGEOUS !
“She's always been a bit daring, after all.” Oh yup, that she is. Deeks will tell soon once he’s got her in his bed. Oh God, the things she does… ;)
And here goes the second dream. Brrr.
“But that's nothing compared to what his next utterance does to her. It's quiet, almost a whisper, but Kensi knows she'd hear it over the loudest of sounds and it nearly brings her to her knees. "Kens…"
She can't tear her eyes away from his. They're dark and quickly growing cloudy, but that doesn't mask the desperate plea contained within. He's terrified, she's terrified; he knows she's his final lifeline and she's nothing more than helpless before him.” I could say that I’m shivering but I guess you already know that because how could I not ? But mostly, I’m freaking going crazy because poor Deeks who’s so terrified and dying and poor Kens who has to witness it, see him slowly slip away in her arms, and being so utterly terrified and broken when he finally manages to whisper her name. Not Kensi, but Kens…oh dear Lord.
“He's dying; she only feels as if she's dying.” AND SHE IS BECAUSE NEITHER CAN LIVE IF THE OTHER DOESN’T BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT PARTNERSHIP AND FRIENDSHIP AND LOVE ARE ABOUT YES
I really do love the switch between nightmares and current time.
“ She's caught herself with her cell in her hands a couple of times, but though she thinks about it often, she can't make herself hit the speed dial that will connect her to him.
She doesn't know why.” * I just love that image. The idea of her staring at her phone, dialing his number maybe, but never connecting the call because she’s scared of needing that – him, hearing his voice to make sure he’s okay. Love love love because it means she’s scared of losing him and she cares more than she ever thought and LOVE.*
“That's partially a lie, though, and Kensi knows it. She wants to talk to him; wants to see him, but at the same time, seeing him now would hit home the realization of just how close she came to losing another partner, losing him.” Awww! I LOVE this. Luv luv luv because of course she wants to see him because she was so scared and she misses him so much, and God yeah SHE WAS FUCKING TERRIFIED OF LOSING HIM BECAUSE HE IS HIMSELF AND SHE LOVES HIM AND NEEDS HIM AND WANTS NO ONE ELSE AT HER SIDE
*I LOVE this: the idea that she hang onto something, that she kept one of his belongings to soothe the ache, the fear. That she NEEDS it.* “Instead, her eyes dart quickly to another timepiece; before she can stop herself, she's reaching out and wrapping her fingers around the one object on the nightstand that isn't actually hers. It's the
| ImpactedJudgment chapter 1 . 7/27/2012
I love it even more this time around. Probably because now I know them more and totally love them. That, coupled with how much I love your style, has me in KD heaven with this story. :)
I have my own "jelly bracelet" so I love that Kensi references Deeks' watch as such!
Lol, I guess Kensi's brilliant idea of forfeiting sleep altogether kind of backfired on her, huh? But in the end it was just the perfect thing to bring her physical vulnerabilities to the same level as her emotional ones. And Deeks, being ever so insightful in all matters Kensi, used it to their mutual advantage. Go Deeks! ;)
This fic is...PERFECT! 3
| ZBBZL chapter 1 . 6/13/2012
I just loved how the nightmares turn into dreams, dreams she's not ready to accept and acknowledge, but can't help but have anyway.
And that sentence was just nothing short of amazing. "With Callen, she'd never actually shivered."
And the whole thing about the watch was just beyond adorable, light on the outside, but very deep, filled with those feelings you write so well.
| anonkp chapter 1 . 4/22/2012
Really intense story. I just love how you're able to spin off from the actual episodes in such a realistic way. And without taking the Densi relationship too far ahead of the television version (although I wouldn't mind if you did!). This story was particularly intense. Although I would have enjoyed a bit more of the real live Deeks throughout, I was glad to have such a good scene with him at the end.