|Reviews for If Dreams Came True|
| fifespice chapter 1 . 3/10/2011
interesting dream that
| Cheecho chapter 1 . 3/9/2011
I don't know how much writing you've done, so I am going to make some general suggestions about writing as well as ones about this story in particular.
I like how you've started to redeem Loghain from his misdeeds, or rather, how you've started him on the path to redeeming himself. Regret lust hot. There's also some excellent moments in here, especially in your descriptions of the two people and in their physical actions.
Here's a few things that I would suggest you could work on: Everything seemed to happen all of a sudden; years of hardened by duty undone by a single pretty girl crying seems a touch flippant. I realize that this is a not a long piece, but perhaps his regret could have been a little less defined? As readers, we'll stay with you, but it would feel more potent (I think) if there was a little more resistance from him.
Apostrophes make possessives (It was Loghain's wish that Emma's pants would come off) or contractions (It's it is, for example), but never plurals. Shoulders, fists, squirrels all have no apostrophes.
Lastly, and this may be personal preference, the "it was all a dream!" ending seems a little sneaky, especially when the content of the dream is so realistic, as it is here. Also, if this is all Loghain's dream, how come we get to know what Emma is thinking and feeling?
All of these comments are meant kindly, and are also only my opinion. Take whatever feels true to you and keep practicing! You have some great instincts for writing.