|Reviews for Fanfictional Fugitive|
| Guest chapter 2 . 6/5/2013
You got 69 reviews...
| Alexa Sears Nemurenai chapter 11 . 1/7/2013
I found your story on TVTropes, and I must say, I really like your story! _ It's pretty dark for an self-insert story, but that adds even more to the realism. ;)
Please don't abandon this story. It has great potential. I hope you continue. :)
| Guest chapter 11 . 7/21/2012
It hits to close to home...
| Guest chapter 10 . 7/21/2012
Neon genesis meets bleach meets fan girl (delusional fan girl)
If I didn't imagine every scene as a funny parody then I'd be crying right now
| Guest chapter 6 . 7/21/2012
I sense great potentional in this fic if you improved myrthe in your own way
| Yemi Hikari chapter 5 . 7/5/2012
My review for this chapter is going to be short. Aizen isn't stupid. He knows that the plot has already been changed by the actions he's taken. He also wouldn't be the type to worry about the future either. That would require him to have the foresight that he will lose. He was just... way to meticulous in his plans.
Now... I can continue with the reviewing process. I can't guarantee you'll get the results you want so I'm going to hold off until I speak to you.
| Yemi Hikari chapter 3 . 7/5/2012
The honest truth is, “you should also know things about us that are impossible to be learned about through espionage” doesn't work, at least the way you have it. First, I haven't a clue what Suzume just told Renji so I can't tell you if that would work or not. Second... your OC couldn't be sure that mentioning Kusaka would actually work. They do not know WHEN they showed up. Quoting something Kusaka said on the other hand that only Ichigo or Toshiro could have known would work.
"Your purpose is… to guard the plot."
Guard it from what? No... seriously... to guard the plot means you're going to actually have to come up with incidents that will actually change what will happen in the plot lines. It isn't an easy task and I'm not even sure if you had an incident planned out in your head when you started this fanfic or if you were just going to wing it.
“ "Another example would be that they are European and yet seem to speak and understand Japanese fluently."”
While this is proof that you thought about the whole English/Japanese issue I'm going to restate the fact that the worlds have the same language thus their minds wouldn't be rewired. I'm also going to note that there is no reason for Urahara to come to the conclusion that they can't speak Japanese fluently simply because they are Caucasian. (Not European... Caucasian...) People do learn other languages. At least you did attempt to explain it, which is more then what some do.
This... this is where I had to stop reading the last time around. It also shows how at this point in time you really weren't planning. If the Hollow that attacked her was Grimmjow then wouldn't she have noticed it was Grimmjow? It also feels like the change to the plot is that the Plot Gaurdians showed up because Aizen planned it which also means that... well... they really can't be called Plot Gaurdians can they?
That said, you need to go back and check each chapter for your paragraph formatting. The one and only thing I insist you change is that. That also said... it seems like you possibly did a bit of rewriting since I last read this. I may be misremembering things and it may be a different fanfic, but I think I remember a joke in there about Sue being a Mary Sue. If you did cut it out it is a positive change.
| Yemi Hikari chapter 2 . 7/5/2012
“ I laughed rather loud, because I'm prone to laughing in a stressful situation like stepping into your wardrobe and ending up in a weird yet familiar town with your friend who thinks it's a joke.”
Actually, I think any of us would laugh in this situation simply because none of us would believe we would end up in another world. The sane ones of us that is... the rabid fans would be a completely different matter. The jokes also fall flat but thankfully that was your intention, forced humor that isn't really funny. So, while the word choice earlier on wasn't good, you're line “Even if the laughter sounded a bit too forced and fake.” sounds more realistic because of the humor. However, I don't a credit the laughter being forced because of “stress” but because it would feel like a bad joke is being played on everyone.
“I screamed as it suddenly jumped forward, my instincts and clumsy body screwing up as I tumbled backwards and fell down, lying defenselessly and helplessly on the ground, that monster towering over me and blocking my sight from the others.”
Actually... I wouldn't say she fell down because her instincts and clumsy body screwed up. I think a good deal of us would end up in this situation. Now, one could say that “self-esteem” is one of your characters faults. It tends to not be used well as a fatal flaw however and most people end up with Bella Swans. This is one of the positive sides of your fanfic.
On the negative side of things you completely forget the fact your characters would either be speaking English or Dutch, while Ichigo and company would be speaking Japanese. I probably notice something like this more then others due to my time spent in the LotR fandom. I always heard a lot of complaints from people about how the people of Middle Earth didn't speak English. (Which is true...) Falling into fandom was a major cliché over in that fandom.
The thing was, I never got the argument due to the theory that when one crosses over from one world to another, if the other world uses completely different languages then our own then the person who is crossing over would have their brain rewired for the language format of that world. On the other hand, it is more problematic as the world of Bleach and “our world” share the same languages. There would be no rewiring.
This is one of the reasons why I said this was quite possibly one of the hardest fics for you to start out with here. I've read a lot of “fall into fandom” fanfics and “real world logic” and small things like this tends to be shoved to the side.
“and Ikkaku not-so-heterosexual-life partner quickly claimed the free space next to Ishida (who shifted even more uncomfortably.”
This sentence is bothersome. You painted Uryu as being majorly homophobic. It isn't as if Yumichika has ever done anything to cause Uryu to be wary of him. Don't get me wrong here. I myself have met other girls who I knew were lesbians and I wasn't comfortable around, but I've also met ones I was comfortable around. Why would Uryu's reaction to Yumichika change?
I'll also note here that you made the mistake of stereotyping Ikkaku and Yumichika's relationship as being homosexual. I think you should look up the term “bromance”. The concept is honestly lost in modern day Western culture, but “bromance” used to be a very big deal among warriors of Western culture and it has always been a big deal in the Eastern culture, particularly with Japan and it's society that still revolves around the concepts set down by the Samurai. I'm not saying they couldn't have a thing for each other... but there is also honestly no canon evidence for anything beyond the typical “bromance” one expects from Japanese warriors.
““Soul Society sure has some weirdoes there, but they'd never accept a wimp like you in the Gotei 13."”
I'm going to say Ichigo wouldn't have said that. Not to mention there is a problem with his logic that even himself would see. Shinigami first go through the academy. The students as far as I know don't do any real world missions before they join a squad and even then they are unlikely to have faced major Hollows. Just because they were still learning wouldn't mean they wouldn't be allowed into a squad. No, Ichigo would be asking where their mentor was more then anything. This was another play to make your OC seem like she has a flaw where she doesn't have one.
“"So" Ishida took over, pushing up his character-defining glassed "you either tell us the truth, or we'll just arrest you as spies."”
(Cough) You forgot the fact he's a Quincy. He doesn't CARE about the rules of soul society.
| Yemi Hikari chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
I'm finally getting around to looking at this like you want me too. Basically, I've got a good chunk of time that can be dedicated to pulling your story apart chapter by chapter and giving you the analysis you want. I'll be combining chapter four with chapters three and/or five as need be as I've already reviewed those chapters.
“Suzume is not her real name (have you ever met a living person named Suzume?).” I'm going to rephrase this sentence two ways for you. “Jessica is not her real name (have you ever met a living person named Jessica?)” And... “Butterfly is not her real name (have you ever met a living person named Butterfly?)” Names can basically be divided into “ones that actually exist” and “those that don't”. While many of us have not met someone named Suzume over here in America I doubt the same can be said for people over in Japan as it is a real name.
The friend doesn't have a fatal flaw to her. I know you're probably thinking “but the term Mary Sue means 'perfect person'.” I'm going to tell you right here that the term means more along the lines of “a character that you can't believe exists”. I guarantee you that in real life every person that seems perfect has their “fatal flaw”.
That is why Myrthe also turned into a Mary Sue herself, at least through the first four chapters I've already read. Sure, she has a lot of flaws, but she doesn't have a “fatal flaw”. On top of this she's got a bit of “Bella Swan” syndrome going on. She's honestly not aggravating like “Bella Swan” mind you but that may be a reflection on the fact she's your self-insert just as Bella Swan is Meyer's and you honestly have much less of an ego then Meyer does.
Now, you may be thinking... but Myrthe can't be a self-insert. I'm going to tell you right here that a writer will always insert themselves to some degree into a storyline. There will always be some degree of wish fulfillment too. The self-insert you're specifically thinking of is the kind that isn't allowed on this site, “non-historical, non-fictional”. The best way to put it is, there is nothing wrong with pretending that you're the characters. (This includes the canon characters.)
The difference between a good self-insert and a bad self-insert is that the person recognizes that they aren't the character. It goes back to what I've said about Meyer and Bella Swan really. Your goal is to use a character like yourself because it is easier to work with and you know you aren't the character. Meyer is unable to recognize how much Bella is like herself and she can't seperate herself from the character.
The one thing you two have in common is the fact you both reveal a lot about yourself through the character you've created, but that honestly should be happening with writing. Remember when I asked you if I should PM you about things I felt was more “personal” or actually leave them in the reviews? Well... lets just say I've seen a few writers reveal a few things that would be best left private. You did tell me you were experimenting with how much you'd be willing to reveal about yourself, so this isn't a bad thing.
Back to the actual storyline, I'm bothered by the line “I'm so clumsy my karate teacher gave up on me a long time ago”. I'm honestly left wondering if you've actually taken any form of martial arts or if you've only had a few lessons and given up. Fact... people who lack natural coordination skills will actually excel at martial arts, dance and other such activities when they have an interest in said activity. It simply takes longer to learn then others, not to mention it is harder for them to get things right. That said, I have problems “buying” into Myrthe's flaws. On your profile... truth of the matter is, “not being able to handle stress well” is a much more believable fault. Whether you're able to implement it as an actual fatal flaw is entirely another matter.
It is your typical start to this kind of fanfic.
| misuto58 chapter 11 . 6/21/2012
MORE! I love it.
| MorganBanner chapter 13 . 6/16/2012
Wow, no chapter for a while...and then this. I am incredibly impressed with the rate that you're improving. All that I can pull out of this chapter is just some nit-picking and /really/ unnoticiable stuff.
...I'm pretty sure I spell 'unnoticiable' wrong...but I can't figure out how. Huh.
Anyway, I rather liked this chapter. It brought in quite a bit, without being an information-overload, and it also raised some questions as to where the plot will be going. I look forward to the next chapter, and to re-reading the past chapters when you're done editing them. Don't give up on that, I know it's very boring, but it's also very important! Keep up the excellent work!
| missIF chapter 12 . 4/3/2012
Awesome! I can't wait till the next chapter were there better be more of ichigo! Please update soon!
| MorganBanner chapter 12 . 4/3/2012
Haha, I've done that before, gone back and read something only to go "What the /hell/ was I /on/?" Personally, because I'm a perfectionist and a grammar nazi, I would go back and rewrite all the chapters. But don't beat yourself up too much over this! I've been reviewing since chapter one, and you have improved greatly since the beginning. I think if you want to raise the level of quality for the story as a whole, a complete rewrite would be the best thing to do. Don't be afraid to change a lot of stuff, we can always go back and reread chapters!
I'm not sure if I've said this before...but have you considered getting a beta reader? It's always a good thing to do when you start out writing. Having someone read the chapter before you post it and give you their honest opinion, with tips on improvement, can really make a difference, even if it's just to gauge the average reader's response or clean up some spelling.
In the end, you should do what you think is best for you as an author, and for your story. Don't get intimidated by the work, because I'd love to see this story through to the end.
| RunFromResponsibility chapter 5 . 3/16/2012
Ok, now I'm a little in love with this story :D
| RunFromResponsibility chapter 1 . 3/16/2012
I like the way you write, I'll give it a chance ;)