|Reviews for Never Alone|
| Guest chapter 9 . 12/25/2015
No worries. This manga is terrible. Move on to what interests you instead.
BTW, besides the A/N, can you put the word "DISCONTINUED" in the summaries of all the fics you have dropped? That will help prevent readers from starting a dropped story, getting to your A/N and then feeling like they've wasted their time.
| Syndrias82 chapter 1 . 8/27/2015
| kingrobert84 chapter 8 . 4/10/2013
idk what to think yet
| kingrobert84 chapter 2 . 4/10/2013
the riakages name is A
| Pen-Name-Kitsune-chan chapter 8 . 3/26/2013
I'm really, really loving this story. It's crazy unique/original and super well written. Please update soon!
| Hi chapter 8 . 3/21/2013
Hey I am really loving this fic! I'm am just worried that there will be some Konah bashing. Please tell me there isn't! Also although I absolutely adore Sasuke the bits about him and TenTen are dead boring, I didn't mind TenTen before but for some reason I hate her in this fic :P! Please update soon x
| Flambridge chapter 8 . 3/14/2013
This is neat.
| ijpowers92 chapter 8 . 3/14/2013
I really like this fic please keep up the good work
sorry about the punctuation
my period button is broken
| ijpowers92 chapter 7 . 3/14/2013
...was that a Homestuck reference?
| ijpowers92 chapter 1 . 3/13/2013
you kept on using "conception and conceive" when you meant "birth" and "born"
| Juubi-K chapter 8 . 3/11/2013
Almost forgot to check this out!
A good chapter here. The writing flows nicely on the whole. I was never very fond of the Raikage, but I'm really starting to hate him now. That little stunt he pulled is making me want to read more.
| FernandelDeLaFrance chapter 7 . 9/22/2012
Well, I finally got some time to finish reading this.
Most of my comments from my review of the first chapter still applies: you definitely need to work on your spelling, and also on adding the words missing in various sentences. Again, these are all simple mistakes that could have been easily avoided. It's even more glaring when you spell the names of the characters wrong.
But enough about that. I'll admit that I liked this story so far. The idea of having Naruto live with Karui's family was a nice touch. I also think you write an interesting Danzou.
I'll be very honest and admit that the sequences in Konoha from the POV of Tenten and Sasuke were rather boring, though. I mean, nothing really happened except the two sparring and going out on a date during the festival. Hurray for them, but not really worth all the time and focus you put into it.
I have to commend you on trying to make Sasuke into an actual human being, even though I severely doubt that he could be driven off his path of the avenger by a simple act of compassion. And Ino's and Sakura's jealous fits just aren't very interesting, in my opinion, so I mostly skipped those.
That's the thing, though - it's my opinion. Perhaps other readers appreciated those scenes more, but I was just hoping that those scenes would be over soon so that the plot gets back to the main action. It felt like filler.
That's why I was quite happy when I read the last two chapters. Finally, we were getting back on track! Naruto and Karui are in Kumo, Kirabi is always good for a laugh, and we're finally going to get the main story rolling. Good! That's what I was looking for!
Your humour was... I don't really know. It worked better than in the first chapter, true, and some of the jokes made me smile, but it still seemed rather forced, as if you were putting in these jokes because you had to instead of believing they were truly funny. Again, perhaps it's just that my sense of humour is different than yours, but I was mostly kept cold by your jokes and wisecracks. I don't know what else to say about the subject, really.
Overall, not a bad effort. It's definitely not a bad story, considering the amount of effort you put in, but it could still be so much better, in my opinion. Execution is still the main thing that hampers this story, seeing as the premise hasn't lost any of its charm.
Keep writing. I'm sure this story will get better more interesting once you get the ball rolling with the main plot.
Hope you're doing well,
| FernandelDeLaFrance chapter 1 . 9/19/2012
Well, I'm reviewing earlier than I expected! Managed to grab some free time from studying, for once. You did ask me to read and review some of your stuff, so I'll gladly do it now.
The basic idea behind this story is interesting. So far, the basic setup follows that of most Naruto alternate universe stories - it doesn't specifically stand out, but it's not bad either. And considering that Naruto has entirely left the Land of Fire by the first chapter promises an interesting future. Deviations from the stations of the canon and an different upbringing for Naruto are always interesting.
I have to say, though, this chapter had some flaws that I can't help but address (don't take this badly - remember, I'm only trying to help you improve your writing). For once, the humour that was so utterly out of place that it completely threw me out of the narrative more than once. I understand that Sarutobi hates paperwork, alright, but for him to be worried about that little trifle while his village is in flames seems slightly incongruous and petty. And the comparison of making babies and meatbuns (and Kakashi's reaction to it that came straight out of nowhere, like a shotgun blast to the face) was just so random that I honestly wondered what you wanted the reader to feel while reading this solemn scene of reading the will of a loved one.
I think you tried to make it humourous - I understand that the situation was very dark and serious, so a little levity was perhaps a good idea, ease the tension a bit, as it were - but the way it was written sucked all the humour value out of it and made it just... bizarre.
I have to say, though, the last scene with Jiraiya's introduction to Arashi was far better - you nailed his character in all its ridiculously overblown vanity perfectly. And it was really funny, even though I personally think it would have been far better if you had written it differently - perhaps have Naruto wake up during his introduction and start crying, and reveal that Jiraiya has no idea how to handle kids, have student and teacher get into an argument about it, etc. A lot of comedic potential wasted there, if you ask me.
Your grammar and spelling. I'm trying to be honest here, so I'll say it plainly: your beta reader didn't do a very good job. I can see that you made a real effort to write well - your words are chosen well, and you are trying to voice the different characters as they are: Sarutobi as an old man, Kakashi as the tired and sad student that just lost his teacher, etc. I can appreciate that.
But there are enough spelling mistakes in there that it occasionally tore me out of the story. Which is a real shame, because you obviously tried to write well. Little things like "recieve" instead of "receive," or "weather" instead of "whether," and many other little things that only annoy the reader and could have been so easily avoided.
Even worse than the occasional typo, though, is that often a word is missing in a sentence: when you write a sentence in a will, it should be "all things pertaining to it," not "all pertaining to it," or "This was for the good of the village" instead of "This for the good of the village." There's other examples, but I'm not going to list them all. It just tears the reader away from the plot and dialogue when it shouldn't.
You really, really need to check your spelling and grammar. It will make your story that much better. You might be fond of your beta reader, and he or she might do a good job as your confidante and a wall to bounce off ideas, but his or her spelling and grammar is atrocious. I'm really sorry for being so blunt, but it's true.
Punctuation. I'm sorry, but you're not putting commas where they are supposed to be. This is especially noticeable in your dialogue. A comma normally indicates a pause in speaking, and where it's missing, I usually keep reading without stopping until I realize how bogus and stilted the dialogue sounds. When the reader feels the need to correct your use of commas and full stops, that means he's not reading your story. What I usually do is read my dialogue out loud - it helps when I need to make my dialogue sound real. Perhaps it would work for you too.
Now, I know that I must have sounded incredibly harsh up there. And I'll admit that I was harsh - but I didn't mean it badly. I'm trying to help you, to make your story more interesting. The basic concept behind it is solid, it's just that the execution needs work. For the first chapter - the one where the usual reader decides whether to keep reading or just click on the return button - good execution is even more vital. I may have sounded harsh, but I'm only trying to help you become a better writer.
I'll keep reading this story, though. I like the basic plot and permise behind it - and there's many stories that are interesting and fun to read because of their premise, even though their execution needs serious work. Gabriel Blessing's "In Flight" comes to mind. I suggest you go over this chapter and improve on it - iron out all the spelling and grammar mistakes, revise your dialogue... Perhaps you'll even come up with some funny scenes! Who knows?
Don't be discouraged by my review - writing is like everything else, it needs practice. I needed three to four years before I was able to write stuff I was happy with.
Already on the next chapter, and hoping you're doing well,
| cariangelus chapter 7 . 9/12/2012
i am in love, can't wait to read more
| reven228 chapter 7 . 8/14/2012
Hey, great chapter, I'm loving how everything is playing out thus far and I'm looking forward to the next chapter. Keep goin and stay golden