Reviews for The Crusader King
slytherinsal chapter 6 . 3/24/2011
I cried too.

very moving; a bittersweet ending.

Will the combined kings of the West continue to support Lynnessa and send troops in case enemies find other leaders against her? Silk did a great job of assassination! but other leaders always arise...
slytherinsal chapter 5 . 3/23/2011
this is so powerful.

how cleverly contrasted - the colourful meal, Lynnessa's gorgeous costume, all very civilised - and then a violent segue to that horrific scene.

Poor Elkan... I look forward to Garion and co helping him to bring down Ali-Khiona.

It's a nice reminder too that just because Torak is dead, and the second prophesy sent firmly on its way, doesn't mean that all evil ceases.

This is effectively a declaration of war; and Ali-Khiona is expecting an intemperate, ill prepared response, where he can easily take out Elkan and walk all over his kingdom [and has he wiped out the royal lineage by killing his brother? if so it's a calculated political move in that respect as well as calculated to make Elkan hit the ground raging].

Instead of which he's going to have a bit of a surprise...
slytherinsal chapter 4 . 3/23/2011
wow

Polgara can't do anything?

that's a shock.

Leprousy does NOT pass to offspring though... Lynn ought to be busy seducing him to give his people the hope of an heir - and something at least for her to have left of her husband if the Will and the Word are not sufficient; though he may never hold a child as an infant can more easily catch it.

powerful and moving
slytherinsal chapter 3 . 3/21/2011
haven't been to the deviantart site set - they have some good stuff - but i have paintings by Lawrence Alma-Tadema in my minds eye which i suppose shows my age...

niceley paced, well balanced; leprousy explains all. how nice however not to have the medieval europe reactions of fearing what is a very difficult disease to catch... poor man, the mask to hide the damage to his nose of course.

hem...the Will and the Word? if Garion can pull back Horse, dealing with an invasive organism causing disease ought to be childs' play...

I expect you already planned for that though...
slytherinsal chapter 2 . 3/21/2011
that is an excellent re-write; it flows much better, the suspense is built up, NOW i'm REALLY wanting more. Lynn's erratic behaviour in chapter 1 makes a lot, lot more sense with the extra explanation, and she becomes a sympathetic character for that little talk with Durnik. and C'nedra never got slapped enough in the original...

excellent; a man of mystery is always good!
slytherinsal chapter 1 . 3/17/2011
there are some interesting ideas and people introduced here but the storyline feels a little hurried and could perhaps have been improved with a little more explanation - like where they picked up Lynessa say. this might have been expanded over two chapters perhaps.

I like the way you start with the flashback two years before the main story period to introduce Lynessa; but i feel that could have held more about Lynessa - appreciating that you want to establish her as someone familiar that they just relax because it's only her, perhaps you might have had Garion recalling that she has this habit of suddenly appearing ever since [descrip of how they came to take her into the band of travellers]

You want honesty? it doesn't have quite the immediacy and gripping power of some of your other fics. I suspect if this is something that's close to you you might be trying too hard to get quickly to the meat of it, which is always a tempting thing to do! I will however alert it and watch how it develops but i'd do you no favours by not giving total honesty. it's got a lot of promise but I think it needs some work to be as good as it promises.

by the way, top marks for fashion; someone with red-brown [dark Titian] hair can wear pale pink very successfully and well done for a brave move to have her do so against conventional wisdom; though you later call her brunette, so it would be nice to know which hair colour she has clarified as brunette is generally a very dark brown.

Elkan appears to have some neurological disease poor man.

Lynessa appears to be a girl of loyalty and very little tolerance for silliness... her irritation with C'nedra is understandable [C'nedra irritates me a LOT] but she's also not very sympathetic having declared that she loves her husband but failing to take into account how scary it must be to marry someone you don't even KNOW [as C'nedra understands it.]it was a slightly childish outburst and makes one wonder if she's any more fit to be married than C'nedra though if her husband is seriously sick that would account for 'the lady protesting too much' and boasting about her own lands and titles. a character about whom one feels a lot of ambivalence; not immediately sympathetic as a person. of course if she's not meant to be immediately likeable that's fine! but I'd like more explanation of how Garion and co actually count her friend and feel like embracing her.

I hope I don't cause too much offence for a review which is more critical than otherwise; I think you have a lot of potential as a writer and I'd like to help you develop that with reviews that are honest and, i hope, constructive in their critique.