|Reviews for Naruto the Ultimate Lifeform|
| SonOfNenji chapter 10 . 6/6
That's it? No further mention of Merlin or his brother? No more exploration of Naruto's abilities? No mention of the biju containers after offhandedly mentioning 'they're fine'?
No more character progression for anyone, no comparison between Mana and Chakra or even an attempt to use them? (If nothing else the Omnitrix could take a sample of a Shinobi if Chakra is a different form of life-energy than mana). No mention of any of Naruto's abilities at all.
It feels to me that, while having some good points, this story was about demonizing and then destroying the leaf, rather than a sibling rival of Azmuth making an inverse to the creation of the Omnitrix, and giving a troubled teen in a bad situation the power and ability to improve it.
In-fact, Azmuth was barely mentioned at all after the initial scenes and his part in the construction of Lunagakure.
Neither is the device on Naruto's wrist mentioned. Wasn't it there to help him control his new powers and prevent his DNA from collapsing? It was never mentioned if he removed it or not.
In fact, in one episode you say Naruto is 1200 old (which took more than 3 years. 365 days (1 year) in the machine 1 day outside. Naruto was around 13[?] after the VOTE battle. 3 years outside x 365 that many inside is 1095 years. Being already 13, he would be 1108 years old, needing at least another 92 days(3 months) outside to be 1200 years old.
In a latter episode you mention he's over 3000 years old. Going by the same calculation, he would need another 1800 days outside (1800 years inside the chamber) to be that old, which is another 4.93 years.
So; what happened to his training watch, and when did Merlin increase the time density inside the chamber? (and why didn't he do it in the first place...though perhaps you could cop out by saying he used the time chamber himself to work on improvements for it quicker).
Why did Naruto not once use his Celestial DNA during the whole course of the story? Why was there no more mention of the Shinigami? She seemed interested, for one. He could summon her pretty casually and we never did learn why she seemed to like him.
Why did you not even mention Pain/Itachi getting healed as if it was taken for granted?
Itachi barely even got a line or a chance to state his opinion as well...(why do why he did in this version, why join Akatsuki, what is his opinion on Sasuke and his situation etc...)
How did it look like when Orochimaru and the Akatsukis' souls were given to the Shinigami, how did Naruto track down the various missing-nins/oto-bases (in which stuff is usually found lying around, which didn't even get a mention along with most of anything else involving chakra which was powerful enough to make him Godlike on its own in cannon, without mentioning his new DNA... did his DNA get diluted making it harder to use Chakra? Be never actually even saw a Kage Bunshin outside of the first scenes, and that's his signature technique...)
And lastly, what the hell happened to all of those trophies? Several/many of them had powerful abilities, while some (like Samehada) were sentient.
They got just one mention, and that was for dick-waving purposes. Fitting, I suppose, that they would then be put on display and then neglected, just like the rest of the people in this story, including the main character...
| SonOfNenji chapter 6 . 6/6
Everyone is too tolerant. The kids were too willing to listen to what Naruto has to say, and their parents went along with it. You never mentioned what deal he made.
Iwa and Onoki have a high chance of treason regarding Lunagakure once they get what they want, as well, because of Minato and Naruto. They might be happy with Leaf as an appetizer, but that's it. (You seriously need to start thinking of how to save the actually good people in the village, or you risk portraying Naruto as evil).
This story is infected with strawmen fallacies. You make someone weak into a total monster and then power up "the good guy" to smite them, therefore showing how "awesome" they are. In this case I suppose it's more like you made them both evil and weak, so that it will be easier to smite them, though... (case in point: The guards that let Naruto in carelessly, despite his obvious suspicious behavior).
| SonOfNenji chapter 5 . 6/6
My complains remain the same, though either you've improved or I've gotten used to it, because I have no new ones.
Regarding the "trophies". First, see: the above. Second: Naruto promised the souls of the Akatsuki in exchange for his father's soul. It seems to me like he left 3 of them alive. Even if they are good, that is against the deal. A deal made with a divine entity...
That is a major oversight on your part. Either they made a secondary deal with the Shinigami for their souls (if she wanted them), or something dire would happen for breaking the contract, like (at minimum) Minato's soul being lost again.
| SonOfNenji chapter 4 . 6/6
The first part of the chapter up to and including the resurrection was great. However, the behavior of Shinigami-sama was suspect for the same reasons I made my previous complains. Maybe if she scanned/sampled/ his soul then her flirting and kissing could be explained and excused. Otherwise you were degrading her as a red woman.
The rest of the chapter sucked monkey balls. The concept of the city on the moon was good. The meeting with the Kage was terrible. Their shock at seeing a target dummy destroyed just showed how pathetic they and you are (in this universe).
You kidnapped them, and they showed barely any aggression. You basically put a big red button for them to press, and they did it. You put them on a vastly technological city on the moon, and they barely asked any questions or made any observations that we could see.
You didn't give them a personality or even their own opinions. They're cardboard characters and that is an insult to the incredible people we see in the original show.
And that shirt is just terrible. A representation of my problems with this entire story. "Ultimate Life Form". *snort*
Distasteful. Also brings up why he even needs allies. He's omnipotent, right? What are his motives for building connections? You gotta write about them or readers assume it's just more dick-waving from you.
Any ability, skill, or friend simply feels like one more trophy or toy to be played with and then forgotten about.
You should have covered more of the time Naruto spent with his father and his exploits as Chimera.
You should have montaged the construction of Lunagakure(?) and where all of these aliens came from. (What has Merlin been doing all this time? And why does he listen to Naruto? There isn't even any bargaining or familial gestures. He just does it, like an underling).
You should have sent an official envoy, or at least a signed invitation to the Kage's. (He did a show of force instead, and they didn't even act offended...)
| SonOfNenji chapter 3 . 6/6
WTF? A guy just walks up wearing Anbu gear, a mask and a masterwork sword, carries himself like a predator, and they just let him in because "oh, well he's just here to rest"? At least mention something like Jedi mind-tricks, or masks being normal during a festival, or discreet suspicion and surveillance (like a proper ninja village should have). That you did none of this merely insulted the guard's intelligence, as well as your own for overlooking all of this.
Some "Assassin's Technique". Tactical nuke. So graceful. So silently deadly and hard to track. What happened to striking from the shadows, leaving no trace of evidence behind? Assassination is more than just killing. Flashy techniques are not something an assassin would use.
Why did he show so many "bloodlines"? It's pathetic, the way he shows of like this, even when it's to his own detriment.
Also, why shout? "Ultimate Awesome Deadly Attack: Punching in a forward direction with my fist!"
Much more impressive if he had conserved what powers he needed, disguised them as something normal ninjas could use, and kept them guessing as to what he can do.
It's much better to be underestimated. Especially when even that estimate beats what they have. That way, each time they send stronger measures after him, he can handily top them, weaken them, expose them. Now they're going to start with extreme measures immediately.
That's not the kind of showing off you do in a stadium full of witnesses.
Maybe they'll think the Kyuubi reformed and think Naruto is a demon-worshipper. Sasuke is most certainly not letting that go.
So incredibly arrogant and cocksure. So prideful before the fall.
Please show more of Merlin and the ship. A friendship between those two is much more interesting.
| SonOfNenji chapter 2 . 6/6
I don't think that "skin is stronger is a human" makes for such a good excuse when speaking of the Rasengan.
It grinds rock easily. How much would you have had to understate Way Big's durability in your notes for him to take that and stay mostly fine?
Also, you made the Plumbers really kind of flat. The premise is fine, but they are entirely too trusting, and you handled the telling of Naruto's life story poorly.
In particular; the Null Void is a place where criminals and horrors of a galactic nature are imprisoned. The Leaf Village is small peanuts in comparison. Kevin just basically lost his lunch after hearing "my life sucked" and replied with "yes master".
It was also completely brainless the way he revealed his story to what were basically strangers.
In a nut-shell, I think your concept is very good, but you don't write some things well. Not trying hard enough.
You also need to work on your premise a bit. Just the Celestial Sapians' and the Anodites' abilities (without the crippling personality disorders, no less) is enough to make Naruto the "ultimate lifeform". What is the point of the others? The whole idea behind Celestials is a stupid dose of omnipotence tempered with rules and crippling red tape. They could do anything any other alien could do. They could be fast like XLR8 or smart like Grey Matter, if they just wish it, according to that. What point do these other species give (like Stinkbug, for example. Flight and sticky goo? Hello, reality warping) other than making his DNA become unstable?
They can't use mana though, it seems (unless they change its nature). Which is why having the abilities of Anodites seem to plug in that weakness as well. (You should, by the way, explore the nature of Mana vs Chakra. Even if they are the same thing, they are used differently, which bears exploring).
How did Naruto retain his sanity/social ability/personality after 1200 years of being in a room by himself, with nothing to keep him company? You should insert a montage or something about his time training, at least. It's meaningless/boring and holds no conflict or resolution when you simply say something like "time passed, he got super awesome somehow".
You made the Plumbers too shallow besides. I think you botched their introduction. Hopefully some of this gets resolved as you flesh out their characters in this version of events in later chapters.
| SonOfNenji chapter 1 . 6/6
You know dude, it just isn't as impressive if the badass shows off and acts arrogant.
Make him deft and serene instead. That would be much better. Calm, graceful, scarily competent. Wouldn't that be preferable?
Otherwise it all just feels pointless. Like a dick-waving contest.
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/15
I am srorry ho godmother I get to go bay for now
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/15
from why han sol sied oven my dade boly in srtrwars new hope and 2 he will not be out of his frilmy monly and dad too
| i will suck your chapter 10 . 4/28
Dick if you ask me to cause that story put a way to sweet taste in my mouth fuckin loved it and scratch the dick part off because i just realised i have some salt next to me all in all thanks for making the sotry and hope you can make some other good stories and this just poped into my head while making this comment if you like steven universe and well naruto you could mix those bet no one has thought of that XD k thanks for reading this comment bye :P
| Guest chapter 10 . 4/23
I know this is old, but I still have a question. Why did the fire daimyo give them permission? They are on the moon! That's not apart of fire, water, earth wind or lightning. None of the daimyo shave authority over them. They could set themselves up as the moon daimyo or space daimyo lol
| Dark chapter 9 . 2/9
I knew it! It was vilgax after all.
| Dark chapter 8 . 2/9
Man, sasuke is going get his ass kicked.
| Dark chapter 7 . 2/9
It's obviousily Manny who is stronger.
| Dark chapter 6 . 2/9
I bet that guy is vilgax.