|Reviews for The Paratroopers|
| Deafstalker chapter 1 . 3/12/2012
All in all this was a good chapter
Just wanted to say though where you said FLASH and the captain answered THUNDER it should have been the other way around
You call THUNDER and answere FLASH
Other than that good chapter
| Harold3456 chapter 1 . 5/1/2011
Based on the grammar, I'm going to assume that English isn't your first language, so I'm not going to say anything more about it.
In the beginning of the story, you mentioned how your characters saw each other as "enemies". I was initially confused by this kind of relationship amongst comrades-in-arms, but assumed an origin story would fix my confusion. Were Walton and Mick from the same town? Did one have an affair with the others' wife? Did they have run-ins at their HQ prior to the airdrop? Unfortunately, there wasn't any kind of origin story. In fact, none of these characters were described at all, apart from their ranks and whatever actions they seemed to be doing at the time. Some good advice I can give you is that you need to flesh out at least your main 2 characters, so the reader cares even slightly about them, otherwise they're just names on the screen.
A major formatting problem is the too generous use of line breaks.
For example, when you finish a sentence and start a new line.
It's a strategy commonly employed by journalists in newspapers.
If something is written like this, then readers don't feel overwhelmed by blocks of text.
Unfortunately, this also makes it so that readers tend to skim over lines, not knowing which are important or not.
So in the future, only do this if you have a new piece of dialogue, or if you're writing something that is unrelated enough to deserve a new paragraph.
Finally, I felt like you skimmed on a ton of action details. A good example of this is chapter 1, during the first attack on the Flak nest. That entire attack was over in 2 of your "paragraphs," and then they dealt with their hostage in the next 2. That, unfortunately, was what the rest of the story was like. So, on one hand, I wanted to skim the story because there were no blocks of text, and nothing stood out as important, yet if I missed a single line then an entire plot point could have gone by. What I would recommend to you, while you're in the peer-editing stage, is to go over each of your individual, broken lines, and try to add at least three more sentences of detail to it. For example:
"Captain and his group show their self, and throwing some grenades. Soon, that Flakvierling become a smoking wreck. One of the survived Gun Crews decide to surrender."
The Captain's group surrounded the Flakvierling, keeping in the shadows. In addition to the three German soldiers manning the gun, there were also four more standing behind sandbags, which surrounded the entrenched AA gun. All four of these men were distracted, looking up at the dozens of aircraft flying, or falling in flames, overhead. One of them was smoking a cigarette. A second one was moving his mouth, as if in prayer. THE CAPTAIN AND HIS GROUP SHOWED THEMSELVES, AND THREW SOME GRENADES. One German had time to cry out in alarm before the entire entrenchment was torn apart by explosions. When the smoke cleared, THERE WAS ONLY ONE SURVIVING GUNMAN. HE HAD HIS ARMS RAISED IN SURRENDER.
In this case, the importance of the paragraph is fortified by dramatic language and description, which somewhat humanizes the characters and gives a stronger feel for setting.
I hope that my constructive critique has helped you. Good luck with future projects.
| Abarai Yutaka Quishiro chapter 1 . 4/19/2011
iyadeh gw review. tp reviewin pny gw ya man!
meskipunn gw gk baca ceritanya, gk ngerti artinya, gk suka fandomny.