|Reviews for The Master of the New Art, a rewrite|
| Ibskib chapter 2 . 10/17/2012
An enjoyable start, I always like to see a Ranma that actually tries to fix his problems. One thing I thought didn't work so well is the excessive repetition when showing a scene from more than one POV, rereading the same stuff kinda hurts the narrative flow.
| Oraman Asturi chapter 2 . 9/12/2011
Nice... At least Soun can admit his faults. Now if the panda would do so. Perhaps Ranma should be learning from his book some more during the three years.
| Lord Sia chapter 2 . 8/25/2011
Not bad. Ranma taking a husband makes little sense to me - but then again, I'm a full-time male with the general knowledge and social skills (meagre though they may be) to be sure of my heterosexuality... Anyway. Keep up the good work.
| firelordeg chapter 2 . 4/28/2011
thank you for sharing this fantastic story please continue to update a.s.a.l.a. (as soon as life allows)
| Tai Khan chapter 2 . 4/26/2011
Sticking to your original plot, I see.
- A reason for Jusenkyo's existence that makes absolutely no sense, whatsoever (that it exists to create a balance between the pre-cursed and cursed forms...when IT creates the imbalance between two forms to begin with).
- Ranma's too 'manly' for one woman to handle (presumably he's still a virgin with little to no knowledge of what he's actually capable of or what's required, so Ranma's ego has suddenly been replaced by Kuno's).
- Ranma-chan _must_ take a husband to achieve a 'balance' between his two forms (the stated reason for Jusenkyo's existence)(this just reads as more of an 'excuse' to force the character into being bisexual).
- Mousse is the selected choice for husband, for reasons that are mostly contradicted by canon (Mousse cares not who is harmed in his pursuit of Shampoo, nor whether the methods he uses are honorable, and brings about his abuse at the hands of Shampoo and Cologne through his own actions).
Once again, you've managed to turn me off of this story.
| ranma hibiki chapter 1 . 4/3/2011
still good, not sure what else to say until the next few chapters though
| Ranmayamabushi chapter 1 . 3/23/2011
Very interesting story so far, Im looking forward to seeing how it progresses
| Hiryo chapter 1 . 3/23/2011
| Tai Khan chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
Appears to be a bit better than the original...at least there's no mention, yet, of having to take a 'husband', for some inexplicable reason or that said husband was to be Mousse for an illogical reason (what killed any interest I had in the previous version of this story).
Still, the changes to Ranma's persona are extremely abrupt and not adequately explained (some introspection during Ranma's training trip would go a long way towards covering this).
Nor, fortunately, has there yet to be any 'slapping' as some weird display of affection, or claims of being 'too manly' for any one woman to handle.
The mention of the Amazon's basically jumping with nervousness whenever Ranma so much as sneezes...but then contemplating 'drugging' him at the challenge match is, somewhat, contradictory.
While I'm all for a relationship to develop between Ranma and Nabiki, and even include Shampoo in a three-way relationship (as contemplated in the original version)...things feel rushed.
In fact, this whole thing feels rushed.
I'd suggest a further rewrite, this time filling in the gaps and holes, showing how Ranma comes to his decisions regarding the others and how to deal with them. Take the time to actually develop a relationship between Ranma and Nabiki, rather than all but having one already in place (for example, it's implied that they've been meeting for ice cream 'during' Ranma's 'training trip'...show some of that).
And finally, as pointed out by others, you need a Beta Reader, someone more knowledgeable than yourself in regards to grammar and such (not that I'm any kind of expert), that can also act as a sounding board, point out things that probably should be explained in more detail or in another manner.
| io chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
try again... third times the charm, right?
| Skydragonkitten chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
This is just as good as the original. Please continue.
| ecchansama chapter 1 . 3/22/2011
First of all. The premises for the story. Workable and possible, but I don't really feel they are plausible with the presentation you have. In short, the story doesn't fly with me.
Secondly, your use of Japanese. Higimu would rather be Flame Duty. Gimu no Hi would be Flame of Duty (or Duty's Flame). "no" is the possesive word, but as I recon it can be skipped in favour of the Japanese love of being indirect. Doesn't change the actual translation though.
Thirdly, the names. Please look the character (and similar) names up in a wiki or something. Daisuke, Neko Hanten, Ran-chan, Umisenken (Genma's Cloak (Way of the Silent Thief, iirc)) are all misspelt. The last one points toward lacking research.
Fourthly, grammar. There are some problems at times, but it's generally good enough. That said, you would benefit from having someone help you.
Fifthly, PoVs. Having two different points of view and only changing a few sentences is often annoying to readers. Doing that in one chapter right after each other makes sure the reader doesn't read the second PoV. You could've easily written that scene without using different PoVs.
Sixthly, your presentation. There's a lot of telling instead of showing. Honestly, I'm sitting here wondering what these cardboard cutouts are doing in what could become a story. That is sadly the depth of your presentation. What you do get through to the readers hint at entirely new characters. The changes in how the characters act can probably be explained, but doing so would need you to properly describe much more than you have.
Lastly, typing. What on Earth are you doing? I almost gave up for this single reason. Why have you capitalized the first letter in random words all over the place? Why did you skip it entirely in one section? Stop writing in Notepad and start using Word (don't care if it's OpenOffice or Microsoft), it would take care of a lot of the other mistakes as well. Preferrably you would get yourself a Beta, to better catch any problems early on.
Generally, there are mistakes and faults in this, a Beta would help you immensely. The story could become good with some work, but this version was a chore for me to read.
I would suggest reading up on how to write properly. Most of your problems seem to stem from such things as lack of planning and lack of writing tools.
The only way to get better is to keep writing. I've read stories where the author greatly improves over time. I've read old stories from authors I know grew to become great and seen what they produced early on.
Personally I won't follow this story, but I still think you should keep writing, if only to further yourself.