Reviews for Harry's Game
ebg13 chapter 23 . 4/7/2011
There are some pretty good ideas here, but they're obscured by the awful grammar and awkward dialogue. Two things that came up fairly frequently:

1) There should be no space between a quotation mark and the text it quotes. For example, Quirrell's first line should have been

"A fair war?"

rather than

"A fair war? "

2) When you're talking about the Weasley twins or the Patil twins, you should write "the Weasleys" or "the Patils" instead of just "Weasleys" or "Patils". For example, where Chapter 13 currently says

"From many synchronized conversations with Weasleys and now Patils"

it should instead say

"From many synchronized conversations with the Weasleys and now the Patils"
Dan chapter 8 . 4/6/2011
Nice spin off, I really do like it.

P.S. That said, it's "Granger", not "Gragner" (twice in Chapter 1).

AND on a lighter note

It's Winguardium LeviOsa, not LeviosAR

and

Ebony's name is ENOBY not Mary Sue
theonebutcher chapter 23 . 4/6/2011
less wrong indeed.
Elelith chapter 22 . 4/6/2011
An inventive fanfic about the dissapearance of the snitch...
Ewlinna chapter 23 . 4/6/2011
After reading this story to the end I must say I'm impressed because it was really goood. I hope you will write more fanfiction :)
Black Logician chapter 2 . 4/6/2011
Some part got cut out in previous post. So a partial repeat here..

BQB

Thanks for pointing out the cons.

About magic during quidditch match, I was initially apprehensive doing that too, but there is good precedent of it in canon.

Harry uses his wand to produce a patronus in part 3 (on fake Draco-Goyle Dementor), Hermione uses magic on Harry's glass so that it would repel water during a rain stuck quidditch match etc. Thus I thought that more use on that level shouldn't be against rules.

Thanks again for your critique. Other than that, am glad to you enjoyed the match and characters of Wood and Dumbledore.

..

Black Noise:

Thanks for your elaborate review.(and the review of review, quiet appropriate.)

You do suggest a rather good test of clarity, that a fiction should be comprehensible at 4 a.m.

I guess if this story passes that test for you, then its because 4 a.m. is my usual writing hour.

And no, I am not Less Wrong (Though I hope this declaration is not seen as a further step of a major Xanatos April Fool Joke).

Once again, thanks for your detailed critique. Am glad tht you enjoyed the story.
Black Logician chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
Thanks for your elaborate review.(and the review of review, quiet appropriate.)

You do suggest a rather good test of clarity, that a fiction should be comprehensible at 4 a.m.

I guess if this story passes that test for you, then its because 4 a.m. is my usual writing hour.

And no, I am not Less Wrong (Though I hope this declaration is not seen as a further step of a major Xanatos April Fool Joke).

Once again, thanks for your detailed critique. Am glad tht you enjoyed the story.

..

SchrodingersCat

Thanks for your review. Much appreciated.

..

AlpineBob:

(Yeah Quirell, Quirrell problem does happen. I so wanted to show a context-less random scene where Quirell casts a patronus and it turns out to be a cute squirell. But anyway..)

Thanks for such a detailed review of first chapter. Would make sure that when I work next, I do a detailed round for such issues.

Other than that, I notice that you have read first chapter twice, kind of makes me think that you thought the story ended there. I hope that wasn't the case and you did get the subsequent chapters too. Your thoughts on them too would have been much welcome. Thanks again for the review.

..

Nobodez:

Thanks for your review.

About formatting issues, yes they are there, particularly due to filters on this site that take away hyphens, convert double spaced lines to single spaced etc etc. magfrump alterted me to them earlier. I have fixed them to some extent so that there is no major issue at least.

Glad that you enjoyed reading.

..

Ewlinna

Thanks for the review. Glad that you are enjoying the story till this chapter.

..

General:

Since I would be moving on to other writes, thus won't be able to reply to every review here, maybe a few.

Your reviews about various chapters or overall story would be most welcome though, I will be reading them all since they provide a very good insight in writing and how to improve it.I hope you enjoy the story.

Thanks.
Double-Portion chapter 23 . 4/6/2011
Good story.
Ewlinna chapter 7 . 4/6/2011
I was a little sceptical when I starded reading this, becouse of how incredibly good Methods of Rationality is, but Harry's Game turned out to be better than I thought :)
nobodez chapter 23 . 4/5/2011
I really liked this take on the MoR world, and how a different change on Quirrel's terms would change the outcome (though, Floo Book, and the lampshades thereof, while necessary for the plot as written, were a little jarring).

You have a serious problem, though, with how your write your dialogue, since it's sometimes difficult to see what people are saying, when they stop, and when words become actions.
AlpineBob chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
I think your "Quirell" (the original source I have spells his name "Quirrell"),came up with a more interesting solution than Les did in MoR. I was originally planning to write 'better' but as I typed I got to thinking...

Although this is a fine punishment in some ways, it actually does nothing for his main purpose of helping them learn DADA.

If the generals they serve under are less competant than they, that will actually impede their progress. Even more important, by the same token these inter-year wars will be LESS of a challenge for Harry.

Though it might be interesting to see what could be done with inter-year allances. Since, among the many factors affecting medieval warfare was the impromptu nature of alliances between leaders, factions, nations, etc. and the sudden betrayals such alliances could sometimes provoke.

Suppose Quirrell puts out Six or more armies with mixed goals, and alliances legal. What would happen? hmmm.

Sorry, that last section wasn't a review at all...

So, back in review-mode: I thought the first sentence of Quirell about DaDa was out of character enough that I almost stopped reading there. But it was amusing enough that I kept on. My reward was that the writing was quite good. And it made me think.

What might be even better would be to divide up the higher-year armies among the first-years...

Still thinking...

So I re-read it. And found something to critique. Please note these are all minor, and I didn't notice them at all on a first read.

Notes:

p2 - English and american punctuation differ in many respects, but I'm fairly certain there should at least be a space between response and the quote.

p3 - "Both your armies would be disbanded after one week and will" - I think that 'would' should be 'shall'. Also, I wonder why so much time? I think 'within a week', or even just 24 hours.

p4 - this should be part of p3, I think.

p5 - "Harry, who stood slightly aside, didn't seem to be furious" - try these commas on for size...

p6 - Well, if they are under another general, strategy won't be their purview. Really, individual battles are considered more tactical than strategic excercizes, anyway.

p7 - No "But" please.

p8 - boasts, I think, not has boasted

pW - "Wait till you find out a superior" - the 'out' is unneeded, and actually hampers the flow.

pZ - Quirrell almost always uses very formal language (which is why the DaDa line struck me so), and I doubt he would offer an opportunity for questions if he didn't want them, so the last line would be more like: "That is all; you may go inform your armies of the impending change."

This is all meant in a good spirit - I really do like this, or I wouldn't have spent so much time on it. :)
SchrodingersCat chapter 23 . 4/5/2011
Awesome story.

You made your characters consistant with their MoR versions.

You managed to give MoR story a proper ending(which in the time of no updates from LessWrong is most appriciated). I know you didnt (and most importantly didnt want to) resolve all the issues, but you made Harry finally decide who his gonna be and thanks for that.

Looking foreward to your next fic.
Black Noise chapter 23 . 4/4/2011
first off, thank you for this magnificent, if a little unpolished, compelling read.

I really quite enjoyed this and have to ask whether you wrote anything else.

by default, consider anything not mentioned to be liked or neutral. (though mostly liked)

I'll have to (slightly) disagree with magfrump, while most characters are indeed true to how they are constructed in MoR, I don't think Quirrel would be that easy to read, Dumbldore that purposefully insane, or McGonnagal that simple. in which i mean that while you have managed to keep the core of these characters true, their immediate behavior is slightly different.

not necessarily a bad thing mind you, I actually find your depiction of Dumbledore better, or at least more fun to read.

another thing that bothered me is the sheer amount of leaning on the fourth wall, while its fun now and then, and i know that at this depth of fic of-, this is kind of inevitable, but if you toned the references down or made them more obscure it would help streamline the reading experience.

and seeing as how I'm hard pressed to find anything besides the already mentioned occasional grammar/spelling error else to criticize, I will acknowledge your superior writing skills and proceed to praise the parts I really liked in a somewhat reverse-chronological order. (human memory is ~LIFO after all)

okay, first I envy your ability to formulate complex Ideas in a presentable and simple to understand (even at 4AM) manner, where does one learn how to do that?

second, the strategy and plot involved in the game is indeed MoR worthy, which should indicate how impressive it actually is since the person who wrote that is a good enough strategist to talk himself out of a box.

third, the game itself, describing complex events while maintaining a sensation of presence is probably no small feat, doubly so with so many plots in the air.

although when I think about it, a little less/more concise explanations for the various strategies being employed would be nice, or a few alternate suggestions:

maybe keep them where they're relevant and add further elaboration in notes.

a strategy being employed followed by a flashback to harry discussing the strategy with his team, or equally flashforward to the opposing team figuring out the missing peaces/read them in the foo book in a post-match section, followed by strategy result/commentary about it on the field.

at any rate, I still consider the game itself as a very fun to read part.

and we're back to praise:

fourth, the point of departure seems quite reasonable, as well as the consequences for various events seem to integrate naturally into the MoR verse.

and last but not least,

fifth: humor. very much fitting in this universe, also very much fitting to my personal taste, made me (re)learn that funny text food nose food.

well this turned out to be quite the review, seems creativity really strikes at the 3~5AM period. but still, that's about synced with my sleep cycle, (which is all over the place, at least according to the log I keep) so this review is now some product of a half-asleep consciousness, but rather my genuine thought on this great fanfic-fanfic. (although I should probably reevaluate my standards, I'm way below the 90% dislike mark of Sturgeon's Law. or maybe I am one of the lucky bastards on the far end of the bell curve who consistently pick good things)

and yes that was a review of a review (appropriate, no?).

so anyway, you're a great author, and should really consider contacting Eliezer to bounce ideas to each other, who knows, maybe some elements of this will wind up as cannon. (bad definition word, doesn't cover recursion levels)

(and if this is by any chance the author of MoR writing this as a post-April 1 thing, I reserve the right to say 'i knew it').

again, thanks.

for the tl:dr version readers: nice fic.
BQB chapter 23 . 4/4/2011
Let me start this comment out by saying that overall I found this fic to be an enjoyable read. I'm not really familiar with the review process so I'll just break it down into pros and cons.

Cons: The largest flaws I can see are grammar hiccups and awkward phrasing. Having a friend or someone who is skilled at catching this sort of thing check over your work would be of great help to your editing process. Other than that the only other problem I really had with your work was the use of magic throughout the quidditch match. It was an odd choice that was obviously made to help with Harry's plot. Once again though I didn't really mind because of the way you carried it out.

Pros: Back to the quidditch thing. The level of thought you placed through the match was impressive. I especially enjoyed your characterization of Wood and how he tried to react to such an unusual situation. Dumbledore simply being intimidating for once was also nice to read. I found the fourth wall breaking to be funny even if I thought the whole Floo Book thing was borderline ridiculous.

Overall though kudos. Hope to see more from you in the future.
Black Logician chapter 23 . 4/4/2011
TsuQ and Anon: Thanks for your reviews. All the suggestions are duly noted. And am glad that you enjoyed reading the story.

magfrump: You are right. Thanks for pointing out the heinous formatting. I am afraid that much of it had to do with the strange uploading conditions here, such as filtering out of hyphens from the text.

I have fixed it to some extent. At least it shouldn't be too much of a problem to next readers, I hope.

Thanks again for your review. Glad that you enjoyed reading.
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