|Reviews for Undone|
| Brittany chapter 1 . 6/12/2014
Please do more of this!
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
I like your Hawke. She is interesting.
| palkia chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
hilarious, brilliant, touching. these are all brilliant. love your writing!
| Shacary chapter 1 . 5/9/2011
Absolutely awesome, intense and full of Fenris, and funny too! Write more! [ dont make me get the whip out... unless your into that sort of thing... HAHA totally kidding!]
| Underdressed chapter 1 . 5/4/2011
That's all I can say at the moment. Off to read the rest.
| 1Scarylady chapter 1 . 4/10/2011
It's lovely to see you writing again, I'm glad that DA2 has inspired you.
I can never put my finger on exactly why your writing style comes over to me so strongly, but there's no denying that it does. You move from elegant to coarse and back again so effortlessly, as the description and dialogue demand it.
This was sweet and I enjoyed it a lot.
| jeandark chapter 1 . 4/7/2011
Story the same as the cake was delicious XD
| MorwennaTheWicked chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
Poor Hawke. For all her skill, her mother can still turn her into a child again. Poor girl has it bad.
| Im His Rosalie chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
Very good well written story. This was sweet and savory like the cake Fenris seemed to enjoy. :)
| Nvrmore chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
Amazing! Very well done. I look forward to more in this line. I like your style of storytelling. I tend to shy away from first person narratives, but this was quite good.
| Aesir23 chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
I loved this! I think you did an excellent job at portraying events, plus I've always wondered how the other companions might react to Leandra or Gamlen in various settings. It's too bad this is merely a one-shot. Or at least, it seems like it is. If it isn't, I know I'll probably end up feeling giddy. lol
| Medivi chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
I like this, it has a nice flow, and it has a great concept. Your characters are very vivid.
In some ways, this also feels a little rough. You could have an even stronger piece if you found a way to tighten things up a bit. (I really struggle with this as well).
My beta readers always 'smack my fingers' because I utterly fail at keeping my sentences a manageable size. My first drafts contain oodles and oodles of these. I think by tweaking a few of your paragraphs to break up some of the longer sentences, this might be a place for you to start.
One last comment - the last portion, where Fenris is speaking, the ellipses seem to pull me out of how I imagine Fenris' voice. This might be just me. I see Fenris speech, even when emotional, as being to the point, and the ellipses seem to suggest a dithering that pulls away from the impact his words have.
And again, I love ellipses. Let me state for the record Pot Here! Calling the kettle black! ;)
All in all, nice work! Keep writing!
| dragonlover131313 chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
That was a great read from beginning to end. Loved all the details and how your Hawke acted was priceless. Poor Fenris, wish he had a little happier of ending though it was still great and I'm glad I got to read it.
| quickthorn chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
I love the way this is so snarky and sparky for much of the chapter, then you hit us with this incredibly intense moment at the end.
| anoesism chapter 1 . 4/5/2011
Love this. So much. Marian's feelings, the conversation between mother and daughter, and Fenris... everything was woven together so well. I adore your writing style!