|Reviews for Demon of Paris|
| ZabuzasGirl chapter 1 . 11/22/2013
Update immediately, please!
| Aesanna chapter 1 . 11/11/2013
I've only read half of the first chapter, but there are a few things I've noticed right off the bat.
First of all, let me just say that both Sebastian and Ciel (more Ciel) are a bit OOC here. Honestly, if Ciel cared as much as he said when the angel stabbed him, he would've been like "Dude, wtf are you doing here, get out. There's an angel right there that's trying to kill all of us, and some little human can't do shit." Especially not some 12/13 year old girl who somehow manages to even scratch a supernatural being, when Sebastian himself has trouble doing so. The angel could easily just give her a solid kick to the stomach and knock her off the platform, but I guess she got lucky?
And Sebastian as well. How was he too damaged to help? As stated in the anime itself, he said that he would always stay by his master's side and protect him, even if his own body perishes. That's what happens when his arm is sliced clean off. His first priority is Ciel's safety, and the least he could do was at least sense the danger of him getting hurt. But you make it seem like he was too weakened to do anything, and therefore to me it seems he violated the contract. As a supernatural being himself, he could easily take the hit in the blink of an eye, like how he was so fast in the camera episode, cleaning the entire room in the span of ten seconds. This, I don't understand.
And frankly, how in the world was this chick able to climb this whole wall? She's a 12 year old girl; think about her body type and muscle mass. In reality, if she was even able to climb that thing without getting tired and falling off, it definitely would have taken her a lot longer to reach the top. I mean, look at how high it is! When I was 12, I couldn't even do a single pull up, and whenever I tried to climb a wall with those handgrips at the park (yes, we have one), my palms would always get sweaty and I'd slip. Either that, or my arms would get tired halfway through and I'd have to climb down. And I probably did more sports and exercise than Ciel's sister here, so this is really unrealistic to me.
Also, the way you wrote the paragraph pertaining how she scaled the wall was a bit strange. A couple things: you say "I" too much, and not in the form of text speech (As in with "..."'s). Directly quoted from your story (and not even the full paragraph, which I daresay is extremely long):
" I grabbed whatever I could –a sharped pipe – and I ran for the dark angel. He saw me coming, but I managed the swipe the pipe across his face. I scarred his eye. I then stabbed it into his heart. He held his eye and chest, growling animally at his humiliation at being injured by a human. I ignored him thinking those wounds would kill him. I ran over to Ciel and pulled him up. I commented on his eye patch, saying he looked like a pirate. He told me to shut my mouth of course."
1) She stabbed him in the eye and CHEST, thinking it would kill the angel. She knows full well it's an angel, and common sense is that angels don't die from TWO stabs, regardless of where. Some people would say that angels could heal themselves, or others might think that angels are immortal and can never die. Though both of these statements are untrue based on the context of Black Butler, both believe that angels will NOT die from a stab to the heart, which this girl clearly did. There are many other beliefs regarding if an angel would die or not from this, but in my honest opinion, I believe the majority would be no. From our legends and the lore of Black Butler, it would conclude that it is common knowledge that angel wouldn't die from it. How she believed it would kill him bothers me to no end.
2) "I" is definetly said way too much in that short article. It would have been nice to change the way of speaking instead of reusing the same word over and over again. Preferably, I would've made it like this: "I grabbed whatever I could – a sharpened pipe – and ran towards dark angel as fast as I could, the blood making the make-shift weapon slippery in my hands. He saw me coming, but I managed the swipe the pipe across his face. It was clumsy and out of desperation, though I was able to scar his eye. Thinking quickly, I stabbed it into his heart, hoping it would end him. Said angel held his eye and chest, growling animally at his humiliation at being injured by a human. With his attention on Ciel averted, I ran over to Ciel and pulled him up, planning to get him away before the angel advanced on me.
"Hey there, pirate," I commented, grinning.
He glared at me, holding onto my shoulder for support. "Shut your mouth."
I simply tried to implement the actually conversation the two siblings had, though short-lived. I tried to keep the story as on track as I could, but considering I've only read half a chapter doesn't give me much to work with. However, this is what I'd imagine a more in depth revision would look like.
I also changed some things that would add more detail and imagery to the story, and the more details you add, the easier it is for the audience to envision it. You want the reader to be able to see everything through the eyes of the main character, and to feel her struggling and imagine her fear and the difficulty of the task at hand. It compels the reader to want to know what happens next. The more words you put in between major events, the more suspense it creates, and if your story appeals to them, they'll want to read all of it. More words extends the story to it's fullest potential and can turn a third grade-level writing into a wonderland of imagination where people can escape reality.
Try to implement more content into your writings, as well as elaborate as much as possible. I noticed some grammatical errors here and there, but nothing too major. Over all, you should work on extending your vocabulary and be more flexible about word choice as well. Make your paragraphs smaller and separate them too; I personally don't enjoy reading overly large chunks of writing. Keep it neat and organized. Also, something very important that makes the fanfiction world go round is to keep your characters IN CHARACTER (extremely important!). Learn the characters inside and out; learn their history and their completed lives to learn about what happens in their futures. Learning the character helps you imagine being in their shoes better, and who's better at writing a character other than that character itself? It's also what makes a reader want to keep reading, because it's possible they came for that specific character. Again, since I've only read half of the first chapter, and this story is complete, I hope you take this advice into your future stories. I apologize if I had offended you in anyway, as I am only offering constructive criticism.
| Musical cake chapter 6 . 10/5/2013
And InoTashio(?) loved Inuyasha's mother.
| MikaitoShion chapter 4 . 9/23/2013
"Im going to gut you like a fish!"
Me: BRB IS DIEING! x.x
(i watch a youtuber group who anytime a guy does something stupid they say that and i literally read that in the one guys voice xD)
| MayzeMerlo chapter 1 . 9/6/2013
This story was absolutely AMAZING! Please start Demon of England soon!
| Mizu.no.Oujo.1967 chapter 47 . 8/31/2013
Awesome job! I enjoyed it a lot. :)
| animelover56348 chapter 47 . 8/31/2013
Soooooo excited for this. It seems Schnizel is sleeping with Grell and Alihana us pregnant at some point. Shits gonna get crazy lol
| TheRingHasAwoke chapter 47 . 8/30/2013
I think I just died...too much anticipation
| Shadow Fox 2013 chapter 3 . 8/17/2013
If I don't review, it's because I got sucked into the story ;)
| Shadow Fox 2013 chapter 2 . 8/17/2013
I love how she yells at him :) Most girls would swoon if he flirted with them, I also like how she's not Mary-Sue with that, like how she still blushes and stutters but not overly so :)
| Shadow Fox 2013 chapter 1 . 8/17/2013
Seems awesome! :)
| TheRingHasAwoke chapter 46 . 8/4/2013
My goodness, every time I go back and read this it's like I'm reading it for the first time. I am constantly checking back to see if you have started the sequel yet. I can't wait to see what you have planed.
| chocolateleo chapter 46 . 8/1/2013
Yes,Yes,Yes SEQUEL! I 3 this fanfic.
| DaddysLiitleGirl chapter 46 . 5/14/2013
Worth reading! I llove it! Can't wait for the sequel! :) :D
| sebby-fan chapter 46 . 5/10/2013
And Claude is going to enter then...what about Alois is he going to show too?