|Reviews for Unreachable|
| Stella chapter 1 . 7/31/2011
Aw this was beyond sad. /:
| SourGrapes101 chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
I've had this fic on my 'to read' list for quite a while now, after you posted to advertise it in the NaruHina FC, and now that I've finally gotten around to it (very belatedly, sorry!) I thought you probably deserved some feedback. Sorry if I sound too harsh at all, I'm just trying to be as honest as possible to hopefully help you improve - believe me, I don't think your story is bad by any means.
Firstly, I've gotta say I'm pretty impressed that you've translated this into English so well if it's not your first language. You're grammar is mostly fine throughout, with only the odd minor error here and there, so congratulations for that. The only thing I would say is that there are a couple of incidences where your wording could be improved to help the story flow better - in your first section in particular, it felt a bit disjointed. If you could find someone that had English as their first language to help you with the wording that would definitely help your work, but if you can't then I understand - Hell, finding someone to beta-read my own NaruHina fanfic has been a pain in the ass!
I'm not sure what to think about you telling this story from a first person viewpoint, in Hinata's point of view. On the one hand it's nice in that it makes her emotions seem all the more powerful, giving the reader more of an insight into her mindset, but personally I think a third person narrator would have been more appropriate here - Hinata's obviously in such grief that looking from the outsode would make her emotions more 'clear' to the reader, and less jumbled, if you know what I mean. I dunno, I can stil see why you choose a first person perspective though, so that's probably more just my own opinion.
Although I'm admittedly not much of a fan for tragic or 'angsty' stories in general (I prefer cute and happy!), this fic was still extremely good at transferring the emotions across to the reader and maintaining the atmosphere of loss. In fact, I'd probably say that this is the best aspect of your fic, so well done! Hinata's love for Naruto is emphasised really strongly throughout and the impact of Naruto's disppearance is very powerfully written, with Hinata's questions to herself particularly poignant.
The flashback scene worked very nicely in this fic too - by showing just how they got together it makes Hinata's loneliness and anguish when she loses him all the more palpable. Getting to see Naruto himself in this fic was important too, since otherwise the reader would've missed out on just how close the bond Hinata shared with him was, so including it was definitely a plus point. If anything, it might've been nice to see more - a second flashback of them on a date maybe, to strength the reader's empathy with Hinata when she finds that she's lost Naruto forever and all she has left are those memories... but again, that's more just me being picky than anything else and what you already have here is still perfectly fine.
And, finally, the ending... Being honest, I felt it was kinda cliche with the whole 'ghostly appearance' of Naruto, but that's not to say that it was bad. It certainly showed her inner strength (which had been somewhat lacking earlier in the fic, although I realise that the point was for her to regain it here so I'm not gonna complain, heheh!) which was important to see. Perhaps Hinata's resolution, changing from grief-stricken to accepting of his death in a matter of seconds, was also a little hurried I think, but I can see why you did it - to wrap the story up faster.
Anyway, I think that's everything. Sorry if any of this sounded overly harsh; for the most part this is a very solid fic, so don't think that I'm just putting your story down! Good luck with your future writing and I'll be sure to have a read of your next NaruHina fic, so long as you post it in the NaruHina FC! I'm looking forward to it!
| SiriusBalisticPretzels chapter 1 . 4/8/2011
AWWWWWW! I'm crying that was so sad! And there was a sad song playing in the background which just contributed to the sadness of the story. T_T Really good.
| camomelody911 chapter 1 . 4/6/2011
omg :( soooo many tears.. that is soooo sad.. i braced myself but that was sad