|Reviews for The Wolf|
| Neko chapter 9 . 10/21/2012
Ryou and namine have DID or MPD
| Lorendiac chapter 1 . 10/16/2012
Hello. I just saw your request for feedback in the thread on Writers Anonymous, and on impulse, I decided to give you some!
Be warned that I have no familiarity with either of the series you are drawing upon in this crossover. (Fortunately, that never stopped me before!) So I'm going to concentrate on your use of language, and so forth, instead of offering any insightful comments on whether or not you've "really captured" the personalities of the canonical characters whom you are using.
Note: I read this chapter and the next, but DIDN'T spot any cases of painfully obvious alliteration that rubbed me the wrong way. So I'll talk about OTHER nitpicking points regarding how you express yourself, instead! (I have a certain flair for nitpicking, at least in my opinion.)
Passages quoted from your story will be surrounded by sets of asterisks.
* * * She often found herself staring at the curious boy from behind the blonde veil she'd forged across her face. * * *
"Veil" . . . "forged." Mixed metaphors, I'm thinking.
I think of "veils" as being gauzy things woven from fine threads, and of "forged" as referring to metal-working activities such as a blacksmith might do by hammering things on his anvil. The two ideas seem incongruous when they're part of the SAME imagery in the same sentence.
Granted: Being incongruous is not necessarily a bad thing! And I admit a skilled craftswoman probably could make a delicate metal veil (even with blonde coloring) if she really set her his mind to it!
Still, my first impulse might have been to write "blond veil she'd woven" or "blond armor she'd forged" or something else that keeps the metaphor more consistent in that sentence. (My best guess is that what's really happening, put in mundane terms, is that some loose blond hair simply hangs down in front of her face and somehow gives her a feeling of security. I may be misunderstanding!)
* * * her pitiful attempts at learning him. * * *
I thought it over and finally decided that while "learning him" is not the most conventional phrasing, it's probably grammatically permissible. (Besides, in a good cause, such as showing someone's private thoughts, it can be workable to flout some of the traditional rules.)
* * * A normal person would have introduced themselves * * *
I'd make that "would have introduced herself." Singular. We're talking about one normal person who would resemble Namine in some respects; not a whole crowd of them. (I know that people nowadays sometimes say "they" and "them" and so forth when they are NOT really speaking in the plural but simply mean "a hypothetical individual," but it often seems clunky, and this is one of those times.)
* * * It never occurred to Naminé that the boy might introduce himself before. * * *
I felt like I was missing the last part of the sentence. "Introduce himself before what?" I would have made it either "introduce himself first" or "introduce himself to her."
* * * Her flesh was pale and her head was down-turned. * * *
The way you say that, it gives the impression that her head is ALWAYS tilted downward as a permanent and unchangeable condition, just as her flesh is naturally pale and is expected to stay that way indefinitely. Head turned down every second of every minute of every hour of every day of her entire life, with no hope of any change? That's hard to believe, unless there is something fundamentally wrong with her neck.
It also seems to me that you're moving a bit too fast when you go straight from saying she didn't expect him to introduce himself (in one paragraph) to a situation of "now he's ALREADY introduced himself when we weren't looking, and has also asked for her name in return, and she's frantically trying to figure out how to cope with that" in the next paragraph.
I think I'd flesh that out a bit more so the reader can more clearly visualize the circumstances - for instance, was she standing just a few feet away when he suddenly looked over and introduced himself? Or was she standing thirty feet away when he suddenly stood up, starting walking toward her to get close enough for a quiet conversation, and she froze like a deer in the headlights when she saw him coming toward her, even before he said anything? Or did they suddenly come face-to-face in some other fashion? That's the sort of thing your readers would like to know!
As it now stands, the jump from "he's never going to talk to me" to "Ack! He just asked for my name!" seems VERY abrupt.
* Part of her felt like he knew. He was very cautious around her. Every move he made was gentle and subtle, like he was afraid she might fly away like a fragile butterfly. *
Strictly speaking, I think it should be "as if he" instead of "like he" in both the first and last sentences of that paragraph - although the phrase "like a fragile butterfly" is fine, because it's a deliberate use of simile.
Granted, real people often use "like" in spoken dialogue in that sort of context, even when they shouldn't - so how "technically correct" you want your choice of words to be in that passage is up to you.
* * * Never before had she had so much human interaction and she had no idea how to handle it. * * *
I know nothing of the character's backstory, but I find it surprising that she's never had "so much" human interaction as occurs when one person introduces himself and asks for her name. That's only a few words of conversation!
Where does she live, and with whom? All alone, or does she actually have brief conversations with other living people from time to time? (It occurs to me in passing that she may have interacted at length with NON-human persons, for all I know.)
P.S. Overall, this first installment has a very "peaceful and quiet" feel to it. (Probably in part because there's no spoken dialogue.) If you're trying to establish "the calm before the storm," as it were, then you're doing a good job in that department!
| 13RosesRDead chapter 5 . 11/2/2011
WOW luvved thiis x) Can't believe no one has revied yet ! Hope yuu'll continuee :D