|Reviews for Paradigms|
| Tune4Toons chapter 9 . 7/6/2012
And loose ends are tied! It's pretty neat how they talk nonchalantly as if they were just to random people talking idle chat. You really hear a this unique twang of a voice out of Lash the way it's written here. And the relaxed mood too was portrayed nicely here. Stunning contest piece, you got here. It deserves all its rewards, man. :D Thanks so much for sharing!
| Tune4Toons chapter 8 . 7/6/2012
And the end? The card playing and airplanes were the perfect way to end(?) off the fic. And Ganondorf with the bomb: brilliant. Haha it's a funny sight to imagine! Nana and Luigi's exchange as well was a delightful little favourite. Astagah, so this is what it's like to reread something. Throughout the story, what I liked most was the constant switch from an innocent tone to a mature adult atmophere. The depth it can go does wonders. And the ending especially, Lash is giving a more mature side mixed in with her energy. But there's a part two! And that will be coming soon!
| Tune4Toons chapter 7 . 7/6/2012
10,000? This was 10k? XD A King Saul… Either an Ice Climber phrase or you had that made up. If made up, kudos for that! Something about Fox's character I've always liked, and it's great to see that here too. :D Wado, a brilliant way to bring that realisation to light! And judging from this, looks like you didn't go with the SF-Command!Fox and went with the younger one instead. Refreshing, really. :) [I think you are a shallow, controlling woman who does not see through the outer walls of people to what they truly are because it does not suit you.] You have this line repeated twice, so I wasn't sure if that was intentional or not. If it was, disregard that please. XD
*sighs* I swear, this lesson needs to be brought back into the fandom. Ah, if only, if only. :3
| Tune4Toons chapter 6 . 7/6/2012
Hooray for continuing to the next day! Robby Ray? Crazy hand be so street-slangy. Man, everyone seems to mock Wario. So far, this is the only fic where I haven't seen that. Love their energy! Like uncle, like...niece? XD He reminds me of one of them jolly old men or grandpas that story-tell with such passion, such tradition. And Hawke eagerly listens. :D
| Tune4Toons chapter 5 . 7/5/2012
[She'd been out in the field much more than she.] «Got another one here, man. :P Surely you meant [he]?
A gym? Ooh, I see what you did there! Because unlike a lot of stories with Smash Mansion, rooms aren't just added as one big whole willy-nilly. Hahaha a little girl's friend being an old man. XD Damn, Master Hand still rules. The switching of the stereotypical antagonism roles was a great twist, I mean Zelda's motherly, yet controlling instinct makes her still in character while also being able to manipulate that role onto her. And Ganondorf's role works out so well too! A Crazy who's sane? Kirby speaks? And a ninja cooking technique to boot. Well, well. Hahaha nice work with the tier play. Ah, so much can change from something so simple... :)
| Tune4Toons chapter 4 . 7/5/2012
Haha still can't help but smile at this. She puts Mr. and Miss in front of everyone's names, doesn't she? Aw, of course she wouldn't understand! I guess you'd know based on this, but kids have the best observational skills, and yet act before thinking. Yeah, those were some fun days…
:O Did she actually say retarded and fatass? Both his and my jaw dropped right there. Mario? Zelda? Hehe, again with such innocent questions. XD One question: [before he started to follow her against her better judgment.] «Did you mean [her] or [his] judgement? Wow, weirdest feeling rereading through it all. :D
| Tune4Toons chapter 3 . 7/5/2012
[Candlestick-haired broad] lol! Ah, the chair. A mix of Advance Wars and SSB. :D I'll be honest; I'm not that familiar with Lash's character, but I'm assuming that she's well in character. It's great how we get to see this since the actual games themselves don't have an actual character specific story. Haha he's so surprised that his character is that readable? XD A Hawke/Lash, am I seeing? I don't think anyone thought of using a Sticker if memory serves me right. A nice backstory. :)
| Tune4Toons chapter 2 . 7/5/2012
Aww, still can't help but feel the need to hug Ana right! Oh hey! I see what you did there. Didn't realise you coined Nana's name here too. Kat keeps true to the older sis nature. A God complex, hm. Interesting how it's set up like that. Brings humility to the home, I'd say. :) Heh, you can feel this straightforwardness to it all; such a nice feeling. :D The association with the flower was lovely, and that mindset-style narration was still just as great here. Brilliant contrast between Hawke and Ana, that dynamic of the experienced and innocent.
Good meant good, hehe. Even the [Once upon a time] line adds to that. The half-spoken telling, the tone of voice he had, the innocent exclaim. Hm, such a reminiscence here too.
| Tune4Toons chapter 1 . 7/5/2012
Hey, I remember favouriting this one a long while back methinks. XD I am loving Ana's playful nature! I mean, with the crayons and the colouring, a delightful way to set the atmosphere. :D Even the playful narration with the [She loved flowers soooooo much] and the [They were her favoritest flowers ever /ever/] as well as the child-like use of [and] to the point where you can imagine her speaking like that. It was so fun to read, because you definitely feel the young mindset (and now I feel old. :O Oh noez!) Aw, Stranger Danger. I remember that! Your choice of words definitely make such a huge impact on the tone (eg. [bossy], the ones already picked out from above, etc.) Then you get this well placed tone switch when the POV switched as well. Oh hey! I know Jake and Rachel, though the rest escaped me. Heh, the war moments was a nice reminiscence of Duel Strike.
Basically, the only nitpicks I can pick out are that it'd be nicer to have numbers lower than ten spelled out rather than just writing the numeral and for speech tags, the connecting punctuation is a comma, not a period. An older piece this is, but I just had to point it out. XD
No, this ain't the last one I'm doing. Just gonna be shifting through the rest of these chapters. Man, it's been a while since I last read this.
| Foxpilot chapter 9 . 8/8/2011
Of all the things I ever expected, this isn't one of them. The end was a clincher, something that finishes strongly what had been started. You may wish to consider making this a separate sequel.
Then again, there's something tacky about "Paradigms 2." It's kinda like saying you're tacking this onto the end of the success of the last one-and we all know where that tends to lead. Basically it comes down to whether you want to preserve "Paradigms'" original story as its own entity or not. That decision will tell you what to do with this new arc.
Now, onto the general lighthearted blather. We pick up a month after we left off, and we follow a "mysterious stranger" in his quest to meet someone. Of course, time stands still for nobody, and the contact is changing, too. C'est la vie! (Or however you spell that.)
As always, you balance the prose with the description to create an engaging scene for the readers. Though I personally don't know much about Advance Wars' world, you still create an excellent picture that plays out like an anime in my mind. The character relations reflect the mood of the story, and I'm interested to see what's changed at the Mansion in the past month.
I would like to advise against using numbers in the prose, though. It's just not quite right.
This'll be an interesting new era for a story whose final merits have yet to be determined. I think part of your joy is in that you're not writing from frustration here, but from imagination.
| CharmyMew chapter 9 . 8/8/2011
I don't know much about Advance Wars, but I think it was good you added this chapter. I enjoyed reading and can't wait for more!
This is my favorite fic of yours, too. You really show how Hawke feels. Continue soon! :)
| Foxpilot chapter 8 . 5/29/2011
You know, it's hard to find something like this written by someone so dedicated on this site. You really made a little treasure here-one that cannot be taken because there's a time stamp on it.
And so, it concludes. The story of an icy ex-warrior and a flowery ninja youth is completed in a very feel-good manner. Whether you followed this story or not, it's been a road worth traveling.
So then, how did you do?
The story idea is a classic. A hardhearted person meets someone who begins to open his mind. However, those close to the opener become concerned and try to intervene. Stuff happens, and the end comes. However, not many stories have a grade school ninja befriend an ex-general easily in his late forties. It's not the biggest spin, but it works well.
The description was great. The actions unfold with grace and smoothness, bringing the scenes to life for those willing to picture them. From the beginning field of flowers to the dusky poker room, the settings and the characters bring about visions suited to the tone of the story. Frankly, it plays out like a movie.
The thing I have difficulty with, though, is the characterization. This is not a fault on your part-rather, it is my internal feelings of preferring to stay within the canon. Outside of those feelings is an admiration of how you looked past the pre-readied, even stereotypical concepts and managed to create new characters on the frameworks that Nintendo has provided. Wario is still greedy, Fox is still leader-like, Crazy Hand is still bizarre, and Zelda is still worried about who she considers her charges. But you take things we don't see often about those characters and bring them to plain sight, where they challenge the readers' concepts of what the characters are and how they should be perceived. Truly a stunning way to put things.
However, there are two glaring flaws that have come to my attention at this point.
First is the rating. You have some very nasty language in here. I may not care for the "No ToD" rule, but I do support the rating system. You should probably up the rating a notch (though I'm probably the only one who cares, heh).
Second is the "Prologue." The story told in itself is excellent, but there's one big issue-it takes place -after- the main story, meaning it's an epilogue. I give you two options, then: Rewrite the entire chapter so that it comes before the story or retitle it as "Epilogue" and go back to change the few times you mentioned it. Whichever one you find easier.
Overall, though, this is one of the finest entries to a contest I've ever seen. In fact, it's one of the best stories I've found in quite a while. You're openness to critique has lead you to become better. You've improved quickly and drastically since your first entry to the 2011 Valentine's Day contest (which is still coming to a close). Truly, you are a writer.
I would like to point out now, though, that by reviewing my rivals' stories I'm essentially making it harder for me to win. Bah, oh well. It's worth it.
| Foxpilot chapter 7 . 5/27/2011
It's official: You have the longest entry in the entire contest. I don't even know if PitFTW is going to finish, and my story's only going to be two or three chapters. You really work at this.
Well, a double update. I'm not fond of those because it means that I have to remember two chapters for one review, as is my style. Still, it's not like this was an unpleasant experience. You really take the effort to bring this together, and it shows greatly. You may be the next big writer in the section. Even being considered for that is something to be proud of.
The levels of OOC do rub me the wrong way. I've played some of Wario's games, and all he's interested in is money. Ganondorf would never stoop to civility. And Fox...well, his case is much more muted, but frankly he isn't a deep person. "No time for subtlety. I'm going to blow up the generators!" Really? It's not like you have a real time limit. Plus, Slippy's on contact...Idiot.
Still, you make the new character traits work for you. A few explanations would be nice, though. One could say that Wario was inspired by the dedication of the twins; argue that Fox hasn't been fleshed out enough. You provided your reasoning for Zelda. Ganondorf is the outlier, as always. It may not be intentional, but let's face it-he's the King of Evil. We're lucky he doesn't stage a coup...which he did try in SSE anyway.
I guess what I'm saying is that you work appropriately hard at this. I find the differences between canon and story a little difficult, but it's great that you're thinking on such a level. And that's why I'm putting this story on my Favorites list.
And yes, I do rather enjoy Fox's inclusion. He rarely gets a good rap, so it's great to see someone put him not only in a significant position, but in a more-or-less in-character state of mind.
An don't think that little reference in Chapter 6 (by the website's count) went unnoticed. Thanks.
| Foxpilot chapter 5 . 5/23/2011
Possibly the weirdest thing I see in here is that Fox is cooking. Then again, they can't just order space-pizza every day on the Great Fox, huh? Mmmmmm...Space-pizza...
Either we think along similar lines or you took my idea. I'm hoping it's the former, because you executed it excellently. Though Ganondorf was somewhat OOC (he wouldn't care about Ana being there), it's understandable that he at least respects Hawke. And Zelda's dislike of Ana translates into a double distaste for the newcomer: age difference and association. Fox's level head shows through well and is very much in character. And Crazy's just sane enough to be safe in the kitchen. Yes, a fine job.
However, I would like to discuss a concept called parallelism. I may have already said this to you elsewhere, but I don't remember. Parallelism is basically matching plurals to plurals and singles to singles. "Were" implies plural and "was" implies single. Of course, "were" is also the past tense of second-person singular, so that's something to keep in mind.
I really will need to get my act together in order to beat this, especially since the deadline is soon.
| Foxpilot chapter 4 . 5/17/2011
Tagline: Philosophy, simplified. Ana may be a perceptive tyke, but if she can understand, or at least accept, the ways of the world, then anyone should.
The two of them have grown rather friendly. Frankly, I wouldn't trust Ganondorf for a glowing recommendation. But there has to be somebody else in the Mansion who would be more reliable, perhaps someone more even-handed or open-minded. Either way, this is going to become very interesting.
I wouldn't call the two of them similar, nor would I say that they're likely to be good friends. But they are friends, and, more importantly, have a reversing teacher-student bond that ties them together as a pair of unlikely comrades. This chapter showed that in a remarkable way.
The best thing I can offer here is that you should always remember to capitalize sentences, even after ellipses at the beginning of a paragraph. Other ellipses ("...") depend on whether the phrases are meant to be in the same sentences, but the first letter of a paragraph should always be capitalized (unless it's after a number, in which case I honestly don't know).
Shoot, this is due on the 2nd? I gotta get cracking on mine!