|Reviews for Nobody's Heartless: Dragon Age Origins Mix|
| He Who See's chapter 1 . 8/5/2011
Errors: Spelling, Grammar, Syntax. Rather large actually. Also, the whole thing seems to be rushed and forced. I mean, if I was a member of the DAO party, I'd have quite a bit more aprehension about joining forces with a group of people which include a person who ripped the arms off of an Ogre and beat it to death with his bare hands. Unless your going for a more campy approach/getting to the point type of story the reader isnt really supposed to think about, I suggest you add some more apprehension.
Pros: Aside from what was mentioned above, I like the idea and the humourous juxtapositions that could occur given how radically not similiar the two universes the character come from are (or would that be a Multiverse and a Universe considering how strange Kingdom Heart's continuity is when it comes to the difference between worlds and dimensions?).
| Guest chapter 1 . 6/30/2011
Florestan: Oh, boy. We're here now, aren't we?
I'm afraid so, Florestan. Eusabius?
Eusabius: I am here as well.
Excellent. First... I'd like to address you about the "Flamer" review. I for one think he's totally right: this story is pretty bad.
Florestan: Unlike him, though, we actually know WHY it's bad. And we're going to tell you why.
Eusabius: First, there is the matter of your three main characters.
Florestan: I've never seen more blatant Mary Sue/Gary Stu type characters in my life! They're painfully perfect, and everyone gravitates around them like they run Thedas.
And that becomes a real problem. It's not fun reading about people who can overcome anything without so much as a scratch. We like characters with flaws. Rule of Cool just doesn't cut it for everything, I'm afraid.
Eusabius: Then, there is the matter of what you've done to the canon characters. The characters are all painfully out of character.
Florestan: And don’t give me that bullshit about how “it’s my story, I can do what I want”. If you like these characters, you should be honoring their characterization in the game better than this!
Third... who would think that all that fourth wall-breaking humor is actually funny? It's not. It's stupid, it's annoying, and it's not subtle.
Florestan: Not to mention it directly clashes with the tone of Dragon Age and Kingdom Hearts and is thus out of place for both continuums.
Eusabius: We also see a distinct problem with your pacing: it is far, far too fast. There is nothing exciting about any action that is rushed through the way you rush through the action here.
Florestan: The overpowered Stus don’t help this in any way, but still, I would expect more to be done with the action.
And then there's yet another thing about your paragraphs: you always, always, ALWAYS start a new paragraph whenever a different character speaks.
Eusabius: Not only is it good grammar, but the story actually obtains a level of comprehensibility it misses when you jam multiple speakers into the same paragraph the way you do here.
Florestan: On that note, why tell us things when you can SHOW them? There's way too much you throw in, especially when you're trying to end the chapter and just rush through by telling us what happened. SHOW, don’t TELL. It’s tough to like characters when all their social interactions are summarized.
Seventh, is that your spelling is inconsistent. Spell things correctly, please. Spellcheck and the Dragon Age wiki are both there for a reason.
Florestan: Yeah, really. That should be CailAn, ZathriAn, and GreAgoir.
Eusabius: Then there is the issue of where you place your author's notes.
Florestan: For the love of all things holy, will you STOP it with the author’s notes in the middle of the chapter?
They’re not helpful: they’re annoying, they break what little flow there is, and in this case they usually serve to insult our intelligence.
Eusabius: Lastly, 2000 words does not truly make a terribly long chapter. It would given how much happens in your chapters, but again, this brings up the pacing issue. Most writers write chapters that are much longer than 2000 words.
Florestan: And if you think 2000 words is a long chapter, you're kind of crazy. But then you go around complaining about how long it's taking you when really, you wrote this whole thing in the span of a week.
Yeah. Sometimes it takes goodfic authors MUCH longer than a week to put out a story. Hell, a week is usually how long it takes me to produce ONE CHAPTER. You think a week is forever... God, I'd hate to see what you'd think if you actually took time.
Eusabius: Ultimately, what it comes down to is that your apparent laziness is one of the things from which all of your other problems stem from.
But none of that holds a candle to what you did in Chapter 3...
"Kirox went to the dwarf who they'd saved, who's name turned out to be Bodahn Feddic, along with his semi-retarded son Sandal."
Florestan: Oh. THAT.
Yes, that. The only thing I have to say to that: How. Dare. You. It is NEVER okay to use that word as a qualifier. This is 2011, not the bloody 50's. Aside from the fact that using that term is TOTALLY incorrect in terms of neuroscience, it's incredibly offensive to people with mental disabilities, and it drives the families of disabled people to anger. (Read: me. My younger brother is mentally disabled, and seeing you use that term so callously pissed me off.)
Eusabius: You should not be so offensive in how you describe your characters.
Florestan: And also, you calling Loghain a 'fag' in that same chapter? Not cool. At all.
So yeah. At the end of the day, I have this to say:
The Flamer is justified in his flame, he is 100 percent right, and anyone who says otherwise is a idiot and/or trying to kiss your ass.
Eusabius: This is one instance where the detractors are sadly correct.
| llykas chapter 7 . 4/17/2011
hey, hehe, I hope you don't mind, but I think I might turn lykas' history into a small sub story myself, instead of making it last maybe only one or two chapters, make it a little bit longer, up to the part at least where you find him in his room, and then maybe skip to the nightmare of his, and if you do happen to let some of the others join the party and leave him behind, maybe do some stuff to send him on his own journeys, hehe, and of course there is always the extra stuff of what's going through his head and all that, anyways, awesome story so far, 100,000/5, and not because my char is in it, they are always awesome, heh!
| Greentabbycat chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
Flamer, your the one who sucks, and what ever happened to dont like dont read? so stop being a B*tch and go be gay somewhere else.
this is an epic story, it truly is, so Dragginninja, just ignore flamers, dont let them make you mad, cuz honestly, i laugh at flamers horrible attemps to flame! XD
so dont worry, its a truly epic story and i hope you continue.
your author/friend till the end,
| Flamer chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
YOU Need to improve a lot more before... Fuck it you suck right now, just keep practicing right now