|Reviews for Train Wreck|
| Kate chapter 1 . 6/19
That was really well written
| Star Angel7169 chapter 1 . 7/11/2014
Nice story. Especially the ending words. : D
| TheTora chapter 1 . 8/28/2013
Hm... I may be a bit too critical here, but I felt the story was lacking something. It was well written, but it could've been better.
There was slight OOC-ness and it felt a bit rushed, especially the end. That was just writing down what happened and that's it. I wouldn't have minded a bit more detail. Apart from that, there were things that confused me. What about the injuries? Why is Ed just leaving? If he's already fit enough to leave, how long was Roy unconscious? I was kinda disappointed that it was leaving some questions open.
I also had trouble imagining the scenes the way they were written. At first Ed is trapped under some rubble and can't see anyone. Only his automail arm is free, so he wouldn't have been able to move much. But for some reason he can suddenly see Roy and Jeremiah, too. Why? How did he move? And I have no idea how Roy was stabbed by that pole. Okay, it stabbed him near the shoulder/neck, but it didn't go all the way through. So far so good, but now it gets weird. The same pole also stabbed Jeremiah through the stomach AND it is a supporting beam. Now I'm completely confused. How is that possible? Wouldn't it have to go from the top to the bottom of the compartment to hold the thing together? And how are the people positioned? Is Roy actually sitting? Otherwise Jeremiah would have to hover in midair...!? Sorry, but I just couldn't picture the whole scene, which was probably one reason why I didn't quite feel the suspense in it. Well, that and I already felt halfway through that you wouldn't kill them off in the end, so I wasn't all that worried.
One more thing. Please, please don't use actions set in asterisks in prose. It *scratches head* just distracts from the actual story and *sigh* can be really confusing. Use it in chat or in a parody or something, but not in a serious story, alright?
Well, here I am just complaining, don't misunderstand me. It was a good idea, I liked the interactions of the characters and the plot in general. Especially shocking was the fact that you let the children die. So much for Infant Immortality. That was really sad and touching.
I also liked the beginning. The start is a good way to scare away readers, but yours actually made me want to know the rest. I don't know what it was about it, but I liked it. It offered a solid introduction, all questions answered as to why and how the situation came to be in the first place and it was entertaining.
Generally you have a really nice writing style. It reads fluently and it seems to come naturally. No awkward phrasing or weird, butchered up sentences. Good job.
So, I hope you don't take my criticism too hard, I'm just trying to help. Just keep practicing, you've got potential there.
| Misses Tsundere chapter 1 . 7/26/2013
I love this one-shot it's just... Yeah, amazing.
You described their emotions sooo wonderful, I... I don't have the words to tell you how perfect
| Sevvus chapter 1 . 11/14/2011
this was so awesome it should have been longer XD
| Skydive Off Isengard chapter 1 . 8/18/2011
That was so. flippin'. good! I love Mustang/Ed h/c. _ I love your writing style. It's cool. Great job!
| Teagsiebabe85 chapter 1 . 8/14/2011
This story takes my breath away. Edward is slightly OCC with his crying, but still, your effective writing always keeps the reader intrigued throughout the story.
| KEEPTHEFIREGOING chapter 1 . 7/21/2011
Emily: Second time reading this and I STILL have tear welling up in my eyes! :(
Halle:it was my first time reading it and i really liked it
| Gothic-Romantic99 chapter 1 . 7/4/2011
What an amazing story you have here. You made it certain not to give Ed and Roy an easy time. The struggle scenes are nicely described. It's very bloody, which is very realistic given the situation.
Good work with making Ed so quick thinking and defiant. This is the way I feel he would react in this situation. The way he is able to save Roy's life is unique and really says something about his character that he wouldn't leave the other man to die and was willing to give up some of his own life to save him. Nice job with the detail of Ed spitting in Roy's face to show his protest.
The bit about Leah and Jerimiah is sad, but it helps to set the gloomy atmosphere. The pacing of the aftermath of the train wreck is perfect. It also helps amplify the angsty feel of the moment. You definitely keep the reader guessing to what will happen next.
The last scene is nice. It's quite a contrast to the seriousness of the previous one. They now have a new respect for one another.
Outstanding work with this story.
| m chapter 1 . 4/24/2011
this was AWESOME!
| Roxana2288 chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
This was another very interesting story.
| Gisel0202 chapter 1 . 4/15/2011
Good story! Keep up the good work.
| Sabaku no Ichigo chapter 1 . 4/14/2011
That was amazing! And sad at the same time! Poor little kids... I cries when I read that part...
You have real talent! You should continue this! It's very well written. Yeah for smart ass Ed!