|Reviews for Gohan's Bad Field Trip|
| sanic boom chapter 1 . 5/5
this is cool
| Guest chapter 1 . 1/3
" Speech "
' Speech '
| gabelou1991 chapter 5 . 10/4/2015
| Guest chapter 5 . 7/30/2015
Right the next chapter soon please
| Dongerdingdong chapter 5 . 3/16/2015
This was weird, this chapter did not make any sense
| GokuIsMyAncestor chapter 5 . 10/5/2014
You should continue it... it's great..
| Guest chapter 3 . 5/29/2014
You know if he were smarter he would have hidden those videos where she couldn't find them and embarrass him.
| riya patel chapter 4 . 3/9/2014
| TheBigBadWolf101 chapter 5 . 5/26/2013
SOOOOO GOOD OMG XD XD XD XD PLZ MAKE MORE CHAPS XD
| xX.super.Xx chapter 5 . 4/16/2013
Plz continue it !
| Silvara.M chapter 5 . 6/11/2012
| SessRin4EverTID chapter 5 . 1/12/2012
CAnt wait for next chapter to come out\
| RandomPotterFan chapter 5 . 8/31/2011
omigosh! i luv this story already, and i think you should keep it up! plz update soon!
| PuddingInGreatPain chapter 5 . 7/7/2011
The whole idea of your story was good; the school going to Gohan's house first was a lot different to other stories. However, you kind of ruined it because the chapters were rushed and there wasn’t enough detail in places.
You should read through it a couple of times to make sure your story flows right as it seemed choppy in places, sort of like you were about to do more with the sentence then got bored and stopped.
In chapter four you leave the reader with the school going into Gohan's house, the teachers didn’t even explain anything about the place, teachers are annoying that way. You go on a school trip and all you want to do is relax and have fun but the teachers always drone on ‘behave yourselves’, ‘you are representing the school’, ‘this is the home of Son Goku and his family, in recent years we have not heard much about this family’. Also the teacher would have spoken to Chichi before going to her house. Unsurprisingly you can’t just turn up at people's houses and expect them to let a group of school children stay without proper arrangements. Not to mention health and safety!
The main problem in chapter five which kind of ruins the whole story for me is that rather than explain the dinner and maybe go into a bit of a history lesson where the teacher 'comically' gets things wrong (that way you could have Chichi explode over something. Or even get the teacher to mention something bad about the ox king) instead you start with Gohan waking up with Videl on top of him.
Videl is a stubborn character (which is what makes her such a fun character to play with), she would have slept on the floor rather than slept in the same bed as someone she didn’t trust. Gohan would never have told Videl all of his secrets like that; Videl would never have believed him as well.
Videl also would have had at least some reaction than 'oh' to the fact her new boyfriend had just grown a tail.
Your story could be so much better if you just spent a little extra time on it. Its quality and not quantity, spend a while on describing events rather than trying to move the story on to fast.
If you feel too lazy to do a particular part of the story then leave it out and go back to it before you move on don’t leave a message for the reader saying that you couldn’t be bothered to do it, because it will make the majority of readers think well why should I bother to read this?
At the moment your story makes a good first draft but then you should go back and flesh it out a bit more to make it more enjoyable to read. I’m reading a story at the moment over in the crossover section between Naruto and Fullmetal Alchemist (Like a single grain of sand by llothcat). llothcat only writes just over a thousand words per chapter and despite being on chapter 14 it isn’t really that far into the plot, each chapter is filled with detail and flows perfectly with the next.
I probably sound really harsh and I don’t mean to be, I shouldn’t really comment I’m terrible at English and my stories used to be just like this (there are probably some still on my account) but the more I write the better my stories get and the easier it is to make my writing unique and interesting. I just wanted to give some helpful advice as I got a while back from one of my friends. She helped me reword one of my stories and I was surprised how different it was and how much better my writing could be.
I do believe this is the longest ever review I’ve written, please don’t take this as a negative review but rather constructive criticism because I really did like the idea of your story.
| crazyone256 chapter 5 . 5/25/2011
Erik-you know this reminds me of you and sesshomaru
Co-SHUT-UP! Any way love the story i really like it.
Erik-yeah this reminds me of you guy's.