|Reviews for Perfect Dark: Onryou|
| a1993 chapter 2 . 10/19/2012
am i right or wrong that Hikaru is actually joanna dark?
| Shadow Commando chapter 2 . 9/21/2011
Ah, I thought this would be about Jo or an agent like her. So far, Yuurei seems kinda mary-sue-ish.
Hopefully, the story will improve, so I'll continue reading. I'm also curious to know what a Falcon 3 looks like.
| Makokam chapter 3 . 6/10/2011
I guess it's a hazard of writing a fic based on a first person shooter, but Hikaru seemed kinda gun happy.
If you think about it, after her display of speed and stealth in the previous chapter, it should have been rather easy for her pull a dynamic entry on his ass. Also, she seemed remarkably slow to catch on. She shot him in the knee and he acted like it was nothing, so it seems like her next shot should have been for something slightly more vital. Like the gut. Or a lung.
The fight itself was good, though I have to wonder how exactly she was concealing those sai. Also, why didn't she have a spare clip for her gun? She carries a pair of sai everywhere but doesn't have any spare ammo?
I don't know why the Carrington institute got the body and not the city coroner... or IS the Carrington institute the city coroner?
That whole scene just seemed off actually. Capillary beds? Would something like that really be noticed? I realize you're introducing the plot and all... but I think it might have been better to just say, flat out say, "It's all organic, but it's not human." By, say, having the bones be... I don't know. Blue tinted. Something that'd you would notice once you cut into them, but wouldn't matter while they were alive.
The party was good, but bad also. I liked a lot of what you did there, (Carrington pranking the party by letting people think Hikaru was his wife, for example.) But he hasn't been to a party in 7 years? Then he just shows up for this one? Why? What is it even for? And how did him having a daughter not get around in seven years? And speaking of things not happening...he didn't teach her to dance?
And then, finally, you say they split off to mingle, but, what, five minutes later? He's off in some Debriefing session.
The prank -was- very amusing though. And if that bit at the end was what I think it is, that was very good.
And I'm done now. More reviews another day.
| Makokam chapter 2 . 6/10/2011
This... actually had some problems.
These problems may simply be a matter of you leaving out a detail or two, but they still strike me as problems.
First, we have the guard patrolling Conference Room J. If the only two doors in this room are the ones Hikaru entered and exited, it makes no sense for him to be patrolling from a wall to a wall. It seems like it'd make more sense for him to walk from one door to the next, or to simply stand at one of the walls and watch the space between the doors, not patrolling at all.
There's also the matter of the sounds of doors opening and closing, and the assumption that the guard has tunnel vision and wouldn't turn his head.
If you went with the door to door patrol route, you could have had her sneak along behind him, and then dodge around him when he turned to walk back.
Also, it's a conference room, so you'd expect there to be a table or something to have a conference at.
The stairwell camera dodge was always something that bugged me in retrospect. I suppose it could work, but I'm just having trouble figuring out what sort of stairwell design would allow it to.
The camera is pointing down the steps. Okay. Where is the door she enters and exits through in relation to the camera, so that it wouldn't catch her going through either?
And finally... if there was a window just outside the room she wanted to get to, and she can spider-man up walls, why not just ENTER through that window in the first place?
Well, actually, that's not it.
The video in and of itself would have shown that the robber used the hand he was shot in to shoot Ben. Where the bullet hole was wouldn't have made any difference, and I don't think it would indicate which hand was used anyway. (Also, if I follow your logic, the bullet hole would have been over his LEFT eye.)
So, some logistical errors, but it does it's job of introducing our protagonist and establishing her l33t ninja skillz.
| Makokam chapter 1 . 6/10/2011
Five years ago you revised this? Really? Well, I must have read the first version then. I think I'll review this chapter-by-chapter, to see how time and your revisions has affected.
As it stands, this isn't bad by any means. But then, you don't write badly. In all honesty, and I really don't care how you take this, but it is easily the same quality as any given book you'd pull off a shelf at Barnes&Noble.
The worst thing I can say about it is that some of it seems silly. For example, Ben trying to shoot the gun out of the robbers hand instead of just using his super agent skills to come up behind him and put the gun to his head, or put him in a hold, or whatever. It seems especially odd for him to this after his little internal monologue about being professional.
| Shadow Commando chapter 1 . 4/27/2011
I'm glad someone is still posting in this part of , as I really enjoyed this game and was hoping to post my own idea here. As for your story, it's very well done, so far, and I hope you will continue soon. ;)