|Reviews for Battle of Sparta Rise of the Undead Pt 1 Final|
| Ashbeck chapter 1 . 11/29/2012
That was Awesome!
| Yanderelove chapter 1 . 4/28/2011
well gonna be little harsh
In no particular order
1. use spell check
2. line 8 and 9 (where you tell the audience that this story is a dark story) should really be before the story start, and not in the middle of it.
3. sound does not illuminate
4. the setting seems to be Rhamnales' castle, since he woke up from his bed, but this brings the question of what happened to the guards guarding him? Rhamnales is king and all. If his bedroom is this easily accessible, Sparta kinda sucks as kingdom. I think either there should be shit tons of guards dead out side, or this should be in some war encampment tent, in which case there should still be shit tons of guards dead outside.
5. "Rhamnales counted them quickly, "I count only fifteen of them. I thought there were twenty?" for this line to work you would have to show the reader beforehand that xaviar told Rhamnales that he killed twenty. (Xaviar said plethora, and not 20) story does not always need to cover every aspect of what has occurred. However, Xaviar and Rhamnales were directly conversing there, and as such reader should be hearing and seeing everything that goes on between them.
6."Rhamnales nodded an understanding. He stood their for a moment, probably thinking of what his plan was. Nobody asked his intentions."in that sentence you do not need probably, because you are speaking as the narrator, and as such you 100% know what is going on. Probably would work if you were telling the stories from the perspective of one of the character, as they do not know what goes on in the head of Rhamnales.
7. "Two men ran in the room, they grunted and roared as they saw the King." it should be Two men ran into the room, since ran in the room means they were running inside the room.
8. "What is this," he whispered, in wonder. "They aren't even human." i think you meant "What is this?"
9. "Nobody understood Rhamnales, His plans were always precise, but he made them sound simple. In this moment he made it feel like it was going to be a suicide attempt. But Xaviar and Reiliana knew otherwise. They could read him like a book, it may be a difficult book, with lots of complicated words, but they could still understand his motives."
That whole paragraph is very ill written. You first say no one understands Rhamnales, then in the next sentence you say he made it sound simple, which totally contradict each other. Furthermore, in the next sentence you say his plan feels like suicide attempt. If the plan you are referring to is "Alright, you guys ready or what. Lets chop some head off." then this plan is neither simple, nor precise, and not to mention it is not much of a plan. I think it would have been a lot better, if we actually got to see Rhams say precise and simple plan, other than "Alright, you guys ready or what. Lets chop some head off." Also the following sentence says "They could read him like a book, it may be a difficult book, with lots of complicated words, but they could still understand his motives." ... You said in the first sentence that nobody understood Rhamnales lol
10. I do feel that it would be better to just refer Rhamnales as Rhams all the times, since it is shorter, and you did say most people refer to him as Rhams
umm I want to write more, but gotta afk again... might as well just post.
No I did not run this by spell check.