|Reviews for On The Wire|
| The Death Frisbee chapter 1 . 8/19/2012
Ha, so I found something unreviewed.
The pace and level of detail are good - only one point where I realized I'd like more info, when Mike 'employed his ninja training' - what does he do specifically? I couldn't visualize that.
The characterization is in-keeping with what I remember of the cartoon; Michelangelo as risk-taker works well. Bookending the flashback was effective for this chapter. If you continue, though, I wouldn't use the technique again, since it's a one-use-only deal before it loses its effectiveness.
The combat was described well, and I could visualize it - I mention it in particular because it's something a lot of people have trouble with making visual.
See below for SPAG. As a general note, though, watch how you punctuate dialogue (below), and watch your said-bookisms: Said, asked, and replied are invisible words. Asserted, countered, ventured, for instance, are not.
Hope this helps!
SPAG (SPelling And Grammar):
fifty-two yards (lowercase)
Raphael crowed, holding his prize in the air, and then...
Raphael was unconvinced - should start paragraph of Raph's dialogue. Same paragraph, /Or Not/-ing (unitalicize -ing.)
his brother's blue eyes
his brother retorted quickly (also watch out for the 'his brother's and make sure they're not overused)
When he saw his point had hit home, he added, "Fame and glory, of course."
The red-clad turtle, the purple-clad brother - make sure any -clads have a hyphen.
back training room," Leonardo asserted
took in a breath, "And...
"They are confirming - " He etc etc read from it. " - The longest urban tightrope walk..." - punctuate and capitalize thus
flipping the flier in Mike's hand etc.
fear for mankind," Irma whispered.
"Then it's official," April finished. - Dialogue with dialogue tags is punctuated thus.
The not-a-hot-idea trend... - punctuate all the not-a-hot-ideas thus
Truth be told, he knew - too many 'he's and 'him's in that sentence, clarify for readability's sake
fitted costume, sat Mondo himself
Well, lookie what
Michelangelo turned to yell, "Not that way, dude!"
New paragraph with 'He skidded to a halt.'
into the tent, he cried out...
New paragraph with 'Michelangelo spun around.'
yelled out, "Now!
late night cartoons," Michelangelo grumbled
waved Rocksteady backwards, taking aim
Irma's voice was sharp and slightly whiny, as she set up the camera tripod to look out of a tenth-story window of an abandoned office.
left out too long to dry.