|Reviews for What's family for?|
| TheVirtuoso chapter 1 . 3/11
I normally like fluffy little family-type stories that connect characters by common last names. That is not what this is. I want to start off by letting you know that this review gets a bit harsh so feel free to stop reading right here. I really liked the idea for your story but your exicution reeeaaally needs some work.
parts of the spelling/grammar mistakes I let slide because one of the under-sevens was talking but Miljon is not a word. I assumed you meant Million (as in $1,000,000.00). I also doubt that the three under-sevens would have called the money Dollars instead of Pounds (£) or Gallions but that is neither here nor there.
Then there is the issue of the atempted murder of Lily Luna. There is absolutly no way that the kids would have told the Glee Club. Sam might have after everything when it was just him and the club but even that is doubtful - Sam is a respectful young man who would have respected the privacy of his family. There is also no way that telling a story like that (which was underdeveloped BTW) would have gotten such a non-responce out of the emotive members of the club (here's a hint: Kurt, Rachel, Mercedes, Britney, Puck would have sworn, Blaine if he was there - I don't remember).
Then comes the issues with the house. I stopped reading after Schue exclaimed in the music room. That's not how real-estate works. It just isn't trust me, I am the daughter of an agent (while i'm on the topic of not-working-like-that, that's not how jobs or bosses work either). it doesn't work like that at all. Beyond just how much it doesn't work like that Harry wouldn't do that. He grew up dirt poor and so did his best friends. When he got money his best friend NEVER accepted charity, the one time in GoF that Ron thought Harry was trying to give him somethig for nothing he got really pissed about it(omnoculars). Harry probably would have helped his family find a nice, four-five bedroom rental and set up a loan. The Evens's probably wouldn't have accepted even that much.
Next! (And final) Lord Harry James Potter-Black-Yaddy-Yaddy-Yadda. That is what I read his name as. This is superfluous. Call him Lord Harry Potter-Black as that is as close to canon as you're going to get. There is no evidence in canon for any of the Hogwarts families and the Potter-Black has him with two lordships and lots of cash to do with what you want. You might connect him to Griffindor if you try really hard but it's actually AGAINST canon to have him be Slitherin.
It could be that you're still a young person just getting her feet wet asitwere (I think this is the case because you advertise liking 'Yaoi' as aposed to 'gay porn' which is a bit more grown up and still says the same thing). It could be that youhave these great stories in your head and you just can't get them out in the right order (this story has Harry and kids LANDING in Ohio before jumping back to England two days earlier to call Sam's dad... bit messed up there) it could also be that youjust aren't taking the time to edit or having someone edit for you. No matter what I want you to keep writing and practicing. Some day I might pick up one of your original stories at the bookstore.
Best of luck.
| xXxvampgirlxXx chapter 1 . 4/29/2014
Please make this into a story I love it and have read it many times :) ! X
| evfangirl98 chapter 1 . 1/29/2014
| georgia.underwood.7 chapter 1 . 11/7/2013
You got the word 'drown' instead of 'drive' in the story somewhere.
| LizziiLaters chapter 1 . 6/22/2012
Great STORY! Favorited!. . . but uhm I thought I'd point out: Sam's little brother's name is Stevie not Caleb
| seebee777 chapter 1 . 5/29/2012
Let's just say I was running all over the house with excitment. Still shaking a little bit. Annnndddd I just finished screaming in to the night at the crazy peacock that lives across the street
| Fabila Black chapter 1 . 3/28/2012
Good story Really liked how you wrote harry's kids, especially lily,. Try to have someone go over things and double check your spelling and things because you made a few little mistakes but overall it was really good! :)
| Dark Neko 4000 chapter 1 . 11/25/2011
always knew ginny was a bitch
| Basilisk Ishikir chapter 1 . 11/13/2011
As someone who knows that English is hard language, you did great! A few numbers were spelled wrong, but, it was easy to follow. It was a little rush, it would probably work better as a multichap. Loved it though!
From Basil and Ricco!
| Libraria chapter 1 . 9/10/2011
I like the idea of Sam and Harry being related from the Evans line, and I can also say this is a great one-shot. There's just one or two things..
It was a bit rushed, which is usually okay, so I don't mind that. But you made Harry come of as a /bit too/ rich. I doubt he would be that rich, and with the whole Hufflepuff-Gryffindor-Ravenclaw-Slytherin thing. Yeah, it's cool Harry could be related to the four founders (I like fics with that in), but it's a bit.. Nyeeh.. And why is Ginny a psycho who wants to kill her kids? Did something happen to her? Is she crazy for a reason?
| CodenameConundrum22 chapter 1 . 6/15/2011
that's cute! i loved it!
| SugarsweetB chapter 1 . 6/11/2011
I think that you had a great idea, but it was way too rushed. I can understand if you just wanted to do a one-shot, but it would have been better if you had slowed it down. Also, I didn't really think that some of those things were really realistic. Lily went from coming off as super shy to acting really smart and a little pretentious, like Hermione. Also, the whole name thing with Mercedes, I don't think that anyone would really be upset about another person telling their own children had died fighting for what they considered to be a good cause. You made it seem as though everyone was immediately comfortable enough to ask personal questions about Harry, and that they were willing to give away that information. Most people wouldn't tell people that they had just met (and teenagers at that) that their ex-spouse was in jail for attempting to kill their youngest child. And to that effect, you didn't provide any background info, no one said if she was insane (though it was implied), which makes me think that you just really don't like Ginny and decided to express that by making her a psycho, would-be child murderer.
I hope that I didn't come off as being really harsh or anything, I just think that you needed to slow things down, and create more realistic situations.
| Sarahamanda Klaine chapter 1 . 5/30/2011
I like this chapter. It is agood chapter.
| lazyslothwho chapter 1 . 5/27/2011
Hullo. This story was...entertaining. The Potter kids were all adorable-Lily, Albus, and James. I went "AWWWW" whenever they said something :)
However, I did notice one thing that really, reaaaaally bothers me. You consistently use the word miljon, with a 'J'. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought it was spelled 'million', with double L's? If It was just a one-time thing, I'd let it slide-multiple times, though, make me wonder if you knew it was misspelled.
Sorry for going all grammar-police on you.
| JLS chapter 1 . 5/24/2011
why did you make ginny a (almost) murderer :(