|Reviews for Peacekeepers|
| A. Kingsleigh chapter 17 . 8/12/2013
I really need to read this whole thing. From what I can follow of it, it's pretty cool.
One thing I noticed, mostly towards the beginning, is that you sometimes have just one sentence per line. Like here:
"Get your Saberfish down here and do the maneuvers again like you've been briefed on!"
Mu literally shouted on the microphone of his headset in anger, reminding the said Saberfish pilot that he did a mistake.
You can put those next to each other since they're about the same person.
Another thing you do is add more sentences than you really need. For example:
"The tests with the Strike are doing well, Lieutenant Commander La Flaga." Rena gave a brief report on the use of the Strike.
The second sentence isn't necessary. You stated what your character said right after she said it. What I would recommend is going over sections like that and asking yourself "Do I really need this sentence?"
That's all I've got. Good work. :)
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 17 . 4/16/2013
This is another very good update of one of the best fusions I ever read though I hope to watch SEED soon as of this review I have other distractions but nevertheless you're doing great.
I once saw a comment on the episode where Rachmadi is kidnapped a person who watched reacted by saying how sad there are Islamic fanatics even in the future now this is his/her opinion and not mine. But hey almost every religion at least has its share of fanatics.
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 16 . 4/3/2013
This is another great chapter and you told a very critical part of Gundam 00's story while still fusing the Gundam franchises together quite flawlessly. Yet to watch SEED but I intend to currently when it comes to Gundam I am more into UC and 00 right now.
| Shraffe1001 chapter 16 . 4/2/2013
have you decided if or how you are going to put AGE in here yet? because if you want to, I can suggest on using mainly second generation characters since it's production crew love it so much that they are going to compile it together into one story with additional scenes. Also, the second generation's story fits perfectly with this story. The first one happens in time of peace. The third one is when both sides are having a stalemate situation while Vegan forces are growing secretly. The second one is literally like any other Gundam series; two human forces are already having a war with each other prior to the story. The manga has time-travelling incident, but let's not touch that part yet.
| A. Kingsleigh chapter 6 . 3/19/2013
Your grammar here is pretty good, but there are two problems you keep having. For example, take this sentence; "Ades, order a retreat at once." Le Creuset told Ades after hearing the damage reports.
When you end a character's line but keep the sentence going, you usually put a comma at the end of the line instead of a period. It should read: "Ades, order a retreat at once," Le Creuset told Ades after hearing the damage reports.
The other problem you keep having is tense. Most of your story is in the past tense, but there are a lot of spots where you briefly switch to present tense. It's usually when you move to a new location, and most of the instances are in the second half of the chapter.
Other than that, you're doing pretty well. Just remember to proofread.
| shahanshah chapter 15 . 3/3/2013
In general, the prose is kinda weak.
a. You sometimes use passive voice when it really shouldn't be used.. For example, "Russel Bagman was heard on the transmission trying to calm his commanding officer down."
b. You conjoin actions into one sentence when they should probably be two. For example, "Kuzzey asked Kai in the transmission as Mark continued to pilot his mobile suit towards the objective."
c. Run-on sentences. "She was confident that it would work, since she worked as an officer candidate on the ship when Mithril had secretly conducted test runs to test the equipments and weapons to see if they were functioning. "
d. In that same sentence, repetition (which also shows up elsewhere). "test runs to test...see if they were functioning." This also bloats the sentence. How about "had secretly conducted tests on the equipment and weapons?"
e. Really, really weird phrases, like "sending the woman by surprise."
Now, the good thing about all that critique on your prose is that I probably wouldn't have done it if the conventions weren't all right. In other words, your writing is correctly constructed but inelegant, as opposed to incorrectly constructed and inelegant.
Except for one repeated mistake. "[DIALOG]," he said. Not "[DIALOG]." he said. Ever.
And a couple tense errors scattered here and there. Like, "which were Seburo C26As outfitted with suppressors and brass catchers that are mounted permanently." The "are" should be a "were."
...does the Middle East have princesses? If it's a Union, why does it have a monarchy? Is Marina a Middle Eastern name? I'm sorry, the rest of the world-building seems fine, but then this one part really bothered me.
It's clear that you've done a LOT of research, or know LOT about warfare, so the world-building and fight scenes and everything seem pretty realistic. And the robot world-building is also cool. Robots are pretty cool anyway. The plot seems pretty intricate, but, of course, I can't really say much about it, given that you wanted a review on the last chapter.
| A. Kingsleigh chapter 1 . 3/2/2013
You're mostly doing alright, but you've got a problem or two. Mostly with your descriptions. They're not horrible, but I think they go on a little longer than they really need to. For example, you described characters using "Maius Military Industries-M8A3 76mm Heavy Assault Machine Guns." We didn't really need to know everything about the guns, just that they're machine guns. Try simplifying descriptions in places where it doesn't need to be superfluous. Also, I noticed that you switched tense in a few places. You might want to go back and change that.
And one more thing; I know you're setting up a big story, but this is a lot of information for just the first chapter. Maybe you should stay in one place for a longer time instead of constantly jumping around. It was pretty overwhelming.
Other than that, I didn't see anything horribly wrong with it. I think you've got something good here. Happy writing!
| RandomNumbers523156 chapter 15 . 3/2/2013
Wow, this chapter is full of stuff! I must say that the only Gundam I watched is Wing and that was a long time ago. I know 00 because of Juubi-K's crossover with CG and the first one because of Wing Zero Alpha's novelization. So, basically the focus are the battles, they were acceptable but it surprised me to see Zechs here. Keep going!
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 14 . 10/30/2012
This is yet another great chapter of this magnificent fusion of the Gundam franchises and I liked the prominence of Gundam 00 characters though I have yet to get the chance to check out Gundam SEED.
p.s. Got my e-mail about my comeback to fanfic writing?
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/18/2012
I don't know how you did it but the plot is amazing...
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 13 . 9/10/2012
This is a great update of this masterful fusion of the Gundam franchises and we are seeing Zeta fused too as expected plus the way you have handled the use of concepts from Full Metal Panic is nothing short of excellent!
As for the part with the 'mechs' MITHRIL use (I prefer the term 'Mech' over Mecha I was a Mechwarrior fan a while back) well I may have to give some thought. And it would make sense they would have optic camo or some form of stealth device or devices.
| RoyalTwinFangs chapter 13 . 9/10/2012
I pick either the PTX-014 R-Blade or RPT-010 Huckebein MK II M.
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 12 . 8/14/2012
This is a great chapter you've definately got the fusion of the Gundam Franchise's down to a fine art at least so far.
Ain't seen you on Messenger, hope you're doing okay.
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 11 . 8/5/2012
Sorry about the wrong window review well not sure what I can add to that one save I like how this featured prominently one of my favorite characters from Gundam 00 Sumeragi.
| Grey Wolf4 chapter 1 . 7/30/2012
Now this is interesting in this unique fusion of most of the Gundam franchise's this is a very well thought out and well written story so far. Also so far the characters from the Gundam franchise's included have been intergrated quite nicely.