|Reviews for Magic|
| Farla chapter 1 . 5/22/2011
[The chamber was black as pitch when viewed in expanse, but for one tiny pinprick. ]
First line in and already your prose is purple. Was it not black when not "viewed in expanse"? That doesn't even belong in the sentence, it's just confusing things.
[when the flame argued this way and that ]
I have no idea why you used "argued" here, but it's far more distracting than poetic.
[But for all that could be said about it, the room's most undeniable trait was silence. Not a sound could be heard, as for stretches of millennia at a time the room was uninhabited by any creature, living, dead, or otherwise, and it had gotten used to it. The silence was swallowing, crushing almost, and the idea of calling for an echo seemed absurd when one weighed their moment of glee against the staggering magnitude of the soundless expanse. That is, until Rose Lalonde was the first human to set foot inside it and try. ]
...as far as I can decipher that means it currently wasn't quiet, because it was only quiet before because no one was there? This is a chore to read through. I realize that overwrought prose is in theme for the two of them, but it's possible to do that and still have the result be relatively readable.
Dialogue is written as "Hello," he said or "Hello!" he said, never "Hello." He said or "Hello." he said or "Hello," He said or "Hello" he said. The only exception to this is if the next sentence doesn't contain a speech verb, in which case it's written as "Hello." He grinned, never "Hello," he grinned or "Hello," He grinned. Note that something isn't a speech verb just because it's a sound you make with your mouth, so generally stuff like laughed or giggled is in the second category. Furthermore, if you're breaking up two complete sentences it's "Hi," he said. "This is it." not "Hi," he said, "this is it." or "Hi," he said "this is it." And if you're breaking up a sentence in the middle, it's "Hi. This," he said, "is it." If there's no speech verb in the break, you use a dash, like "Hi. This - " He looked around. "- is it."
...and now it's tentacle rape. Huh. Seems kind of OOC.
| TheBleachDoctor chapter 1 . 5/9/2011
Um... Its great... Yeah. Not many good Homestuck lemons out there. Damn that was hot!