|Reviews for Until Your Heart Stops Beating|
| EmmaDel chapter 2 . 1/16/2013
Not bad although I wanted someone to actually die and stay dead. Just a few spelling mistakes. Subjectional is not a word. It should be subjective.
| Pianogirl05 chapter 4 . 5/27/2011
Good chapter. Do you plan on continuing this story? It would be neat to have both Charlie andBella as vamps.
| Pianogirl05 chapter 3 . 5/27/2011
Much better. This chapter seemed more like your own.
| Pianogirl05 chapter 2 . 5/27/2011
This chapter seems a lot like the book.
| Pianogirl05 chapter 1 . 5/27/2011
Good chapter. Different from the usual.
| Chewie4370 chapter 4 . 5/17/2011
is that the end? It leaves too much to ask. What happened when he went to Alaska? who is in Alaska (remember write as if the reader knows nothing even though we are all TwiHards never assume)
Why couldn't Bella see Charlie while he changed? Wouldn't that be safer than seeing him after? What happened when he saw her after? Where was Bella while everyone was with Charlie? Did Charlie go from Human to Vamp in less than a day? Charlie is very controled to be a newborn and readily accepting of something he couldn't even belive when he wasn't ruled by blood? Why does Carlisle have stored blood when they are vegetarians?
You followed a lot of the movie but none of the book facts. Don't get me wrong writers have a proagative to change things espcially here on FF (that is what the site is all about)but you have to tell us that it is a change in some descriptive way or else the reader just feels like you are rushing through and not being descriptive.
Insight of the whole story: Good idea to have Charlie be changed it would be interesting to see how Bella feels now that she will have at least one parent for all eternity when she is finally changed. Did Charlie's change and experiece in Alaska enlighten Bella or scare her?
You need to change your summary. If i was searching for a Edward and Bella story and saw that summary i would skip over it because you sound bitter about losing the competition and not at all selling the story. Also you may want to consider changing the Main charater from Bella/Edward to maybe just Charlie or Charlie and Edward (though that kind of implys some kind of Slash . . . )
Sorry i had to put all this in the review for all to see but your Private Messgae is disabled . . . reply or send me a PM if you have any other questions.
Hope i wasn't too harsh.
| Chewie4370 chapter 3 . 5/17/2011
You said at the beginning that Bella didn't want Charlie alone and Edward would stay with him, but then they both go to the battle training. All the wolves were there, all the Cullens were there. Who was protecting Charlie?
You don't explain why Jacob is caring Bella away
You are almost following the movie to a "T"
Again your dialogue is hard to follow. You are writing in third person so you have to be careful. The reader doesn't know when the conversation shifts from character to character if you don't indicate some kind of change (pronouns are a little harder to place when writing in third person because there are a lot of "he").
On the positive you are putting good action scenes in the story (the fight with Edward and Victoria) just need more description.
| Chewie4370 chapter 2 . 5/17/2011
This story isn't so much book canon as it is movie.
Some of your dialogue is hard to follow as you don't identify who is talking (for example when Edward, Bella, and Alice are sitting on the couch and Alice tells Bella the horrible news i thought it was Alice who offered to stay behind with Charlie. I din't realize it was Edward until a few lines later).
When did Alice find out there was going to be a Newborn War? In the movie/book she has a vision at the graduation party. When and how did she find out in your story? Also because you want to use "true" characters than you have to identify who Alice got the vision from-she doesn't just get visions all willy-nilly. She gets them from people she knows/watching. That being said she would know who is trying to kill Charlie.
subjectional-i don't believe this is a word. I know what you are trying to say (the line from the movie where Bella and Edward are on the cliff) but i can't recall the word he used.
On the positive i like how you are twisting facts from the true story and adding your own twist to add Charlie to the plot more.
| Chewie4370 chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
Your story idea is pretty good but you def need a beta. Your missing punctuations and some of them are wrong. You also have a few words that are cut short like you put do instead of door.
Also you need to do something to seperate the chagne in time either transition or at least the character seperations like ~*~.
also need something to identify your A/N at the end. i thought it was a part of the story for a second.