Reviews for Fair Olvin and the Giant Pire
PopRockShawty chapter 2 . 11/22/2014
I like Lana more and more. I think you could try writing in her POV, or in Liln's. Also, it would be nice if I could know more about Liln's background, family, and such.

Aw, poor Olvin. I wish he had some friends! I wouldn't mind being his friend! My favorite part was when Olvin wished he wasn't the Crown Prince. It's true that being a younger son would give him a great deal lot more liberty to do whatever he wanted, and people don't worry so much about the heir to the throne dying that they don't let him live.
PopRockShawty chapter 1 . 11/18/2014
I clicked on this as soon as I saw the name 'Olvin' because I have a character in my story called Olvin too! Only my Olvin is the descendant of your Olvin and Liln. I quite like Lana's character; she's not canon, is she?

I just want Olvin and Liln to kiss ASAP, to be honest.
Sauron Gorthaur chapter 7 . 8/15/2012
Ah, and a very nice ending to wrap it all up. And I like how you handled Olvin’s character and the change that he experiences as the main character. It wouldn’t be right if he totally changed and decided that he actually loves adventures and wants to fight giants every week. He’s still his peace-loving self who likes his tree and his books, but he has changed. For one, I can tell from this chapter that he has gained confidence in himself that he lacked in the first few chapters. Although he’s still nervous about being the center of attention, he still goes to the feast and allows the people to celebrate his victory, and even though he’s still shy, he plucks up the courage to approach Liln and propose, and his conversation with her in this chapter felt much less awkward than his conversation with her in the first chapter. He also seems to have accepted that he can be king, and that he can be a hero if he needs to be, which is also a good development. And he seems to have also won Lana’s respect, from the way she tells the story of his great deeds.

I liked Kegin; he seems like a good battle trainer. He and Olvin obviously have a good and friendly relationship, but he’s not going to let Olvin slack off. He seems just like the sort of annoyingly persistent trainer that would probably be good for every person to have around.

I also liked the atmosphere of the feast. It felt very medieval, with all the story telling and lay singing and minstrels and food. I particularly liked this sentence: “The minstrels came out with their harps to sing songs of bravery and courage and those known for storytelling told of people of old battling fearsome creatures.” I thought it was a beautiful and well written sentence, and it set the medieval tone of the scene. It was also interesting, since, of course, however many years in the future, these people themselves will be the subject of such feast-time tales.

You asked about the poem specifically. I’ll admit that I don’t know a whole lot about this free verse style poetry without strict meter and rhyme, but from my experience, I think it’s a pretty good poem. I liked the repetition of the two lines about the land of Narnia and the Lion. It held the poem together nicely, created a sense of unity about the piece, and the repetition is in itself a poetic device. The topic was a well chosen one; it is neat to think of them singing about the creation of the world, and it seems like a very worthy topic for a bard at a king’s victory feast. I also particularly liked these two lines from the poem: “Only one could save Narnia, With the help of the Lion.” Those two lines were so reminiscent of the story we just heard, of how only Olvin could save Narnia and Archenland, and he did so with the pipe that was enchanted and brought to him (in a manner of speaking) by Aslan.

Good work. This was a quick, enjoyable story, quite exciting and with well developed and interesting characters. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing it with us. Keep on writing!

-Sauron Gorthaur
Sauron Gorthaur chapter 6 . 8/15/2012
Yeah for Olvin! I liked the climax of the story and how everything came together. You didn’t let Olvin win the fight too easily, and he couldn’t have done it without the help of others, but in the end, good wins over evil. Just like the heroes of the Narnia books with their adventures.

The Giant Pire was a very interesting character, and I liked what you did with him. He was quite a nasty villain. The way the two heads have different personalities and different strategies on how to defeat Olvin, brute force vs. manipulation, was cool. It was interesting how they interact with each other, arguing at the beginning and the manipulating head calming down the mean head. And it was sneaky how the seemingly nice head turned out to be the most dangerous of the two and was able to catch Olvin off his guard. If Olvin was perfect and able to turn the giant into stone right away without any sort of flaw or problem, he wouldn’t seem nearly as human and believable as he does. And isn’t it true that most of the time the subtle, crafty, seemingly nice temptations are the ones that get us more often than the ones that are blatantly evil and forceful? Since the Narnia books are Christian, I thought this was an appropriately Christian way of looking at temptation and evil and its influence on a person.

I still thought Olvin had a very distinct personality in this chapter still. I like that even when he’s facing the giant, he still thinks that there is a way for him to get out of it without having to actually take his sword to it and physically fight. It was very much like him to want to reason with the giant and be diplomatic, and his “silver tongue” is doubtlessly a result of being so well read :) But in the end he does fight, and although he has weaknesses, it is proved that with the help of others and Aslan’s help through the pipe, he is able to overcome his enemy. I also liked (and thought realistic) that he afterward doubts that he is the only one who could have killed the giant, but Lana proves him wrong. True to real life, it’s often the small, side details that prove important later on.

Anyhow, good chapter. It was exciting, and even though I knew ultimately how it would end, it was still a lot of fun to see how you made it unfold. Good work! Keep on writing!

-Sauron Gorthaur
Sauron Gorthaur chapter 5 . 8/14/2012
Hurrah, and the quest is on! You move the story quickly and efficiently, but there’s still plenty of characterization and time for descriptions of the setting and such. And it’s fun seeing Olvin take on the role of the hero and warrior, and seeing how Lana reacts to him and his ideas about how a warrior should behave.

I think you portray Olvin reacting realistically to the news that he must defeat the giant. At first he’s shocked and in denial, then he comes to accept the fact though a little grudgingly, then as he thinks about it, he accepts it a bit more willingly, which was a believable process of thoughts and feelings in such a situation it seemed. Even though he was cowed initially by the thought of fighting, I was able to still like him, and certainly able to still sympathize with him. And I liked how as he began to think it over, he realizes that some benefits are going to come with winning this fight, and how he’s already dreaming about his victory feast and telling his children his story and being able to win Liln’s hand. But I also liked that he goes about this quest in a way that is definitely his; I loved how he brought the book and plops down to read when he realizes he’s going to have some down time while waiting for the giant. That was very distinctively him.

I still liked how you portrayed Lana. It’s amusing to watch their almost friendly banter, and it’s amusing how Lana believes she’s so much better at adventures than he is, and is shocked by his wanting to eat before the battle and sitting to read while waiting for the giant to make an appearance. Her perky and adventurous spirit was still clearly evident in this chapter.

Hmm, a dragon tooth and a reed pipe, eh? I wonder how those will come in handy in the fight… I shall have to keep reading and find out.

For constructive criticism, the only thing I could find was still the inconsistencies of your archaic vs. casual speech, sometimes to the point where they use both “thou” and “you” in the same sentence, like in Olvin’s line: “Are thou sure it was me you saw in the stars?” You might want to consider going through the story and making it a bit more consistent, either one way or the other. I know in “The Horse and His Boy”, King Lune switches back and forth between “you” and “thou”, but he generally uses the archaic when he’s being stern or making an important speech, while he uses “you” when he’s being less formal. You could go back through and do something similar, making the characters use the formal only when it’s required, so that it doesn’t seem like they are using it sporadically and randomly.

Good work so far and I look forward to the fight. Keep on writing!

-Sauron Gorthaur
Sauron Gorthaur chapter 2 . 8/14/2012
This looks like the beginning to a fun, adventurous, and intriguing story. Right away you have everything a good story needs: interesting characters, conflict, an adventure looming in the near future. There’s already a lot of good stuff going on in the first couple chapters.

Although the main plot looks like it’s going to be the fight between Olvin and the Giant Pire, as the title and the summary of the story in “The Horse and His Boy” suggest, there’s a lot of other stuff already going on. One of the important aspects of stories is development and change in the main character, and you’ve already set it up so that Olvin has plenty of ways to develop and change as the story progresses. You have the conflict of him being unhappy with his lot as the oldest child of the king and the heir to the throne. There is his rather strained relationship with his sister, which has already caused some conflict. And there is his awkwardness in dealing with other people, especially women, and his lack of friends because of that. All of these inner conflicts and character flaws make Olvin prime material for a very interesting main character who will be fun to watch as he changes and develops during the course of the story, as I have no doubt that he will.

However, although Olvin has flaws definitely, he’s not at all an unlikable person, which is also good of the main character. I can certainly sympathize with his fondness for lying under trees and reading. His awkwardness in the first chapter with Lady Liln makes him seem kind of innocent, and again, I can sympathize with his embarrassment in dealing with a member of the opposite gender. You do a good job of showing this awkwardness, in the way he struggles to come up with conversation topics, is so relieved when she comes up with one for him, and gets flustered and forgets protocol like offering her something to sit on.

You have a nice contrast going between Olvin and Lana. The role reversals, of the son, Olvin, wanting to spend his time in peace, and the daughter, Lana, wanting to be out and about and finding adventures, is intriguing, and you’re working with that well. They also are so obviously siblings; the way they bicker and go back and forth at each other is so much like a brother-sister relationship. I especially liked the bit where Olvin tries to throw sticks at her and she just runs off. The way she teases and torments and embarrasses him at the dinner in front of Liln also showed what their relationship is like very well. I suspect that there’s some relationship development that can happen between the two of them as the story progresses (although I wouldn’t want to ever see them become TOO friendly.) You gotta love some good old sibling rivalry :)

I also really loved this sentence in particular about Lana: “Lana ran down the hill with her arms outstretched, as if she were trying to catch the breeze and fly.” It’s a beautiful sentence and I just LOVE the vivid picture. I also love what it shows about Lana’s carefree and bold personality, that she’s like a bird soaring off from one adventure to the next. I also liked the sentence about Olvin hiding from everyone while she runs around chatting, which showed the contrast between the two of them really well.

For constructive criticism, I have just one suggestion, one about the dialogue. You switch back and forth between quite archaic-sounding language (even with a few thous and thees thrown in here and there) and some lines that sound very casual and modern. For example, contrast these two lines of Olvin’s: "'Tis right, my lady," he finally admitted. "Though I think content be more the word to describe me.” and “Don't be silly.” The first one sounds very elegant and archaic with the “tis” and “my lady”, and then the archaic phrasing of “content be more the word”. Then a few lines later, he uses the word “silly” in a sentence that sounds completely casual and almost modern. Then there is the first line of Liln’s where she uses “thou art”, but she uses “you” and other casual words for the rest of the chapter, then uses “thy” again at the end of Chapter 2. I suggest that you stick to either one or the other, and I recommend more casual dialogue rather than going with the archaic, though you don’t necessarily have to use modern language. Think along the lines of how Shasta and Aravis talk, neither obviously archaic nor obviously modern. I can see how in certain situations or with certain people, Olvin might use more elegant language, but it’s confusing when he switches back and forth for no apparent reason in the middle of the same conversation with the same person.

So far, I like the way this is going. It promises to be an enjoyable story, and I already like Olvin, Liln, and Lana. I look forward to seeing how peaceful, bookish Olvin ends up fighting a giant. This should be fun.

Good work! Keep on writing!

-Sauron Gorthaur
Deleted Account Pending Remove chapter 1 . 6/11/2012
This is really neat. I can give you a compliment here that I very much prize when it comes to my own fanfics: I have never read or watched Narnia and I still find your fic utterly readable and understandable. I didn't get lost once. At the same time you make things clear and concise enough that a reader familiar with Narnia could hardly get bored or anything.

The feel of the story is really great, sort of fresh and young like springtime, if that makes any sense. Olvin, Liln and Lana are all adorable, and even though I don't know them your story makes me want to.

You also strike a beautiful balance with descriptive narration. It may sound like an easy thing but it's not! You put in just the right amount and description to let me picture everything like I was there, while never getting the least bit wordy or interrupting the pace of the story. After well over a decade of writing, that skill is one of my main challenges to try and achieve in my work, and I do not always get there! You write description into your story like a fish swims.

Way to go and what an awesome read! I can't wait to get a chance to read the rest of the chapters.

-Lysana
WriterWilf chapter 3 . 6/7/2011
I apologize, what I meant in my last review is that you can tell Olvin is not a Mary Su. Strong emphasis on not. He sounds human. He sounds real. Thank Aslan.
WriterWilf chapter 1 . 6/6/2011
Avast, where are tales such as these? Most people on don't seem to be able to write about anything except for Mary Su romance and other horrors. *Shudders at the thought of some of the other fics that are floating around in the Narnia fandom.*

I really like how you characterize Olvin. You can tell he is definitely some Gary Stu. And Liln and Lana don't appear to be Mary Sus either, which is quite splendid. I'm definitely putting this story on my alerts.
DarkMoonFairy94 chapter 3 . 6/6/2011
I love this and hope you continue. Please update soon!
Calyn chapter 2 . 5/14/2011
*glares at fandom that has not left reviews* Shows that people only care about Sueromance and movieverse now...

*adds to her community* I like to tell people that. So they know. Because FF doesn't tell them.

Hmm, ownership. I personally think that C.S. Lewis owns them, and that all anyone else owns is the rights to them. And Psarnia, but Psarnia's not Narnia.
Calyn chapter 1 . 5/12/2011
EEEEEEE bookverse bookverse bookverse! *settles in to await more chapters*