|Reviews for Star Fox: Brotherhood|
| clay342 chapter 2 . 10/11/2014
Please don't stop
| Ranger41 chapter 2 . 5/19/2012
This is a great story. I don't suppose you could try to resume it?
| bryan mccloud chapter 2 . 10/8/2011
this might be a crossover between star fox and star wars...but this is like book one of several books(needed to be confirm).
so in book one everything happen in lylat system.
in book two, it will be at another system or galaxy or another part of the universe.
| uruturamanzenith chapter 1 . 6/28/2011
This is definitely a good start. Granted, there are a few things, but, you probably know what those already are. If you plan on continuing this thing, I'd definitely go for it. Keep going, trust your instincts, and the force will be with you, always.
| sleddog116 chapter 1 . 5/17/2011
This is a great start, and I think you have the basis for a good story here. I do, however, have several suggestions for improvement. Don't take this the wrong way; I'm just not a fan of empty praise and reviews consisting only of "Wow, that's great" because that won't help you at all. Four main points:
1) Your grammar is fairly good, and you have a good understanding of how to construct a complete sentence. However, your story would have a much better flow if you would vary your sentence structure a bit. You're relying almost exclusively on simple sentences and comma/conjunction compounds, with the occasional introductory phrase. Unfortunately, in several places, that makes it seem like you're just trying to string way too much into a single sentence. They're not run-ons, precisely, but they have that sort of feel. Separate some of your thoughts into separate sentences, especially in the prologue. If you have two related, complete clauses, join them with a semicolon instead of the easy ", and..." (Remember, in that sense, a semicolon is basically the same as a period except the next word isn't capitalized.)
2) Do a little visual housecleaning. Your prologue is disorganized and somewhat disjointed - not because you haven't written it well, but because it has no paragraph structure at all. It's just one big wall of text. I know a lot of fan fiction authors don't worry about separating their stuff into paragraphs, but believe me - it makes a big difference.
3) Give your story a little more direction in the main chapter. It consists almost entirely of dialogue. Sometimes that's necessary, but not right at the beginning. Remember - this is a fan fiction, not a movie script. Treat it more like a novel. There's nothing wrong with your dialogue, but get inside the characters' heads a bit more. Focus on one character's thoughts (but stay in third person - I usually treat thoughts like dialogue, but I italicize them instead of putting them in quotes. You might do something different). If you describe characters' thoughts, pick one character and focus only on that character's thoughts. Essentially, tell the story from that character's perspective, but don't use first person pronouns like "I", "me", or "mine" except when they're in the actual dialogue. Describe the characters' surroundings a little. Talk about sensory details - not just what the characters say, but what can be seen and felt and heard. Create their world - you're the author; you have the power. With the dialogue you keep, don't rely on just "he said"/"she asked"/etc. Use a thesaurus - there are other words like "stated" or "inquired" or "replied".
4) One last thing, and you're going to think I'm trite for saying this, but you really need to put this story in the "Crossovers" category. It's not a Star Fox story - It's a Star Fox/Star Wars crossover. I realize the site is mostly unregulated, but a lot of the people who come to the "Star Fox" section are looking for Star Fox and only Star Fox. Many of them will see "Jedi" in your description and immediately put it in the mental "ignore" bin - or worse, flame it because it's in the wrong category.
I know it sounds like a lot, but like I said, these are suggestions for improvement. You really do have a good start and a basis for an interesting story. I encourage you to keep going with it. It certainly deserves praise - it kept my interest, and I'm a very harsh critic. Nice job - keep going.