|Reviews for Envy, Son of Malefor Saga: Son Born of Evil|
| Luna Goddess of the Night chapter 1 . 6/17/2013
This actually has me intrigued. Though a bit more detail and maybe a teeny bit of dialogue would have been a bit better on. That's the only concrit I can see for right now. Update soon! I'll keep an eye on this story, with more concrit in the future.
-Luna, Constructiv Criticism Guild
| TLOSpyrogirl chapter 1 . 5/10/2012
Hmm, this seems like an interesting start. Also, I commend you. For once, Malefor has been able to have a boy! Hallelujah! xD (Ironic because one of my stories contains Malefor's daughter... :P)
But allow me to offer some concrit.
-It was a crimson dragonness with a black underbelly, with jet black wings.- Dragoness, with one N. Also, you would be better saying 'and jet black wings', as saying with so close together makes the sentence seem redundant.
-It flew towards a dark mountain known by the dragons as Malefor's Mountain.- It was actually called the Mountain of Malefor, but that would be acceptable. Just sayin'. xD Also, now that you've established that she's female, you don't need to say 'it'.
-She came to a large cavern and was immediatly over come by pain.- Immediately, not immediatly.
-It landed upon the the apes and tore at them visciously, killing all but the one with the egg in it's hand.- Viciously, not visciously.
-The ape shivered and yelled it's cry before throwing the egg behind him and running away.- Its, not it's. Its refers to possession. Also, 'yelled its cry' seems a little redundant, doesn't it?
-The creature ran after the escaping ape and disapeared into the trees.- Disappeared, not disapeared.
-She searched frantically for the egg, but to no avail.- You've said the phrase 'to no avail' once before. Maybe try, 'but her search was fruitless'?
Overall, your spelling and grammar is fine, but you make a few errors. Unfortunately for me, they're the subtle kind and I nearly missed them. xD Also, work on keeping your sentences non-redundant. Avoid using similar phrases and prepositions close together.
I'll be waiting for more.
| The Grim Reader chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
Wow that's an awesome prologue, can't wait to read more about Envy. How did he become unconscious? I guess I'll have to wait to find out huh?
| Big-D Cowboy chapter 1 . 5/15/2011
Really great opening. I can't wait for the next chapter to come out. Keep up the good work.
| DmytraCherie chapter 1 . 5/14/2011
Hey, Cherié here! So I read this story and I really liked it. You used some really stunning imagery. I also loved that you made this a prologue, not just the first chapter. That way the obscurity you've used is all the better placed. I only have a few issues with this. (I'm not going to go into characterisation or plot at all so don't worry.)
Grammar and Spelling: There are a ton of issues regarding these. The reason why I'm pointing this out is because it really disrupts the flow of this piece. You have a really vibrant style, but the constant mistakes you make with grammar and spelling really make it read choppily. I'll point out some major errors (the ones that really stuck out to me) and let you find the rest yourself.
1. The first error lies in the title of the prologue.
"An Dangerous Birth."
This should read "A Dangerous Birth."
The word "An" should only be used before a word starting with a vowel. Because the title of this prologue is the first thing the reader sees, it's important to get it right.
2. "into the raining night"
This is a wording issue. You make it seem like the night is raining, which is poetic, but is still incorrect. I'm sure you meant that it was raining during the night. A better way to say this is "Into the rainy night." If you want to set the atmosphere a bit more you could use a better adjective...etc.
There are also some spelling issues. "Screach" and "Dissapeared" should be "Screech" and Disappeared." I'm sure the misspelling of these words was accidental, but it's extremely important to read over your story before you post as word processors don't catch every little mistake.
As for the general feel of this piece, I love it. Unlike some fanfiction writers, you have not neglected description. Your style is also very smooth and captivating, but is often interrupted by your grammar and spelling errors.
Overall, good job and I can't wait to read more.
~ Dmytra Cherié