|Reviews for Distorted Judgment|
| Totalitarian chapter 2 . 5/30/2011
It's nice to hear a perspective of the Strayed lynx in the Old King route.
Which is why I find it a disappointment that Kratos, in this case, feels little more than a generic villain. He's repeating many of the beaten villain clichés like maniacal laughter, 'toying' with his enemies, and seemingly invincible; these aren't good things, as they make him seem stale and predictable. I don't understand why he is behaving the way he is. What makes this important to him - pleasure? A cause? He needs some sort of dimensionality to him in order to stand out. I'm not saying make him sympathetic: indeed, giving him more character could make him even more despicable to the reader if done correctly. But I'm not getting any feel or sense of personality from Kratos, and that makes his villainy seem gratuitous.
It would be good to hear why he destroyed the cradles and establish Judgement. There are many ways you can go about this with Kratos as he is; if his reason is misanthropy, then what is the depth or motivation behind such hatred? Is it because of what humanity and the League did to the world? What's the ultimate purpose behind Judgment? Maybe it's a need to prove his superiority - in which case, have this come off in his behaviour: make him seem arrogant and self-righteous in his speech and actions, or hatch a plan to find a pilot that can give him a challenge. Be creative!
The second chapter, truth be told, I did not enjoy. With the tone established by Chapter 1 and this chapter's intro about the Bunkers, the sudden and inexplicable shift of atmosphere. Chapter 2 feels way, way too innocent. The characters act like they're in a typical university rather than their last safe refuge. It's a shift in the tone of the story that made it difficult to read. How can these people be so happy and carefree, when a mass murderer has destroyed everything dear to them? Why is there no fear or despair? Even though Zeel is being set up as the pilot who might be able to challenge Kratos and Origin, and there is a sense of burden in their dread that they'll only be put into a backup unit. That's a positive development, but the lack of sobriety elsewhere lets it down; I don't think the state of the world is even mentioned in this chapter beyond the introduction.
I assume this is something you plan to get to in time, but if you can't *show* those moments just yet, then foreshadow them and build them up - give us a few small hints, either through conversation or throwaway lines.
This is a premise that no other story on the site has explored, which works well in its favour. But you've still a few obstacles to get over first before you can do that. Hopefully with some tighter storytelling, you'll be able to bring something neat to the table for the chapters to come.