|Reviews for Snowflake|
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 9 . 12/5/2011
I'm STILL six chapters behind. BLEH. I'm so sorry. Life is just in the way... And I mean, today I ought to be revising for my geography exam in... a little over an hour... But instead I am here.
Ah, grapes... There's one story on this fandom - that I'm about ten chapters behind on - in which grapes are mentioned in every single chapter, so seeing them mentioned here... Amuses me, for want of a better word.
'I tread carefully' I believe this is the wrong tense. 'Trod' would fit better in that sentence, at least...
Wasn't there something about a bonus if she didn't kill the dogs? Hmm... Fail, much? Though not every assassin can get every single bonus, sufficed to say.
Nice fight with the dogs though. It's nice to see a character get wounded and actually be affected by their wound. I can't talk; I have a character who tripped over and killed the King of Miscarcand. It fit for his persona though, so... Not as stupid as it sounds XD
So she went back to see Nulem after she almost killed him... But she didn't stay... Fitting, I suppose.
Watch repeating words. You've written 'pain' quite a lot in this paragraph. It's a hard one to find synonyms for, is 'pain', but they exist... honest.
I like this fast travel thing you have going on. I don't know any other story that actually has fast travelling in it, so... Kudos!
Hmm... Another little 'Accidents Happen' type story... Of course, poisoning isn't very... accidental. Though it depends what poisons you use. Some are less obvious than others.
Ah, ironic... The most abused word in the English language. Sorry, I don't really have a point here... I was just musing about it. I honestly couldn't tell you if you've used it correctly or not, since I abuse it too.
'Helped sooth the nerves' Should be 'soothe'...
Ah, she's a sneaky little thief, is our Vala. I rather like her, if I'm honest. Now, I say this every time, but I shall try to catch up as soon as I can
Good chapter too, btw.
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 8 . 11/25/2011
Jeez, you just uploaded chapter 13... I am so impossibly far behind it's absurd. I apologise, I really do. I will TRY and catch up, but life is SO busy ATM, and there's this stupid block system which doesn't allow me to read all chapters, and... Eurgh, it's complicated.
Hmm... Your speech here is a little... Well, it's pretty much copied from the game. Now, *I* am not the sort of person to stand here lecturing you about this, because I ended up doing the same with both Mannimarco and Mankar Camoran (whose speechs were both pretty damned good in-game), but something like this with Vicente... Well, it's a point that a lot of people have experienced, and it shows up. Plus, of course, there's a whole scope of things you could change. Feel free, however, to ignore this hypocrisy.
Hmm... It's spelt 'choked', not 'chocked'. Simple mistake. We all make them sometimes.
Hmm... I liked that section. The action felt kinda frantic, but that was what you were going for, so it worked out well, did it not?
Ah, your dream sequences. I remember now... It's been so long that I had almost forgotten, but have no fear.
Yeah, she wants to be cleaning that sword before it rusts. Rusty swords are really no good at all.
Hmm... finding the secret entrance... Makes sense. Now, Vala really ought to have some training with that sword, because surviving on dumb luck and what seemed like a burst of adrenaline will not always cut it.
That's a good idea for a contract, by the way. I could never really have the patience to think up my own DB contracts... Well, I probably would now, but that was back before my story ripped through the DB questline in rapid time.
Heh. She got drunk... Anyway, yes, that was well written. Good job.
Umm... Yeah, so this review is over two months late, and I'm sorry. I don't have time right now, but I promise that I will TRY to review some more soon. I shouldn't make any promises though
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 7 . 10/7/2011
So, when you didn't update for two months I honestly thought you'd abandoned this. Then again, when I didn't review for a month you probably thought that I had disappeared off and/or given up on you. However it seems to me as if neither is the case, so I shall apologise for my lateness - my laptop DIED and then I had a HUGE backlog of story alerts to see to - and continue on with my review.
Right, first off... First three sentences have 'my feet' written in them, and the repetition makes each phrase more tedious than the last. I have been dubbed a Repetition Nazi by a friend of mine though, so it's probably not as bad as I make it out to be.
She found a Nirnroot?
Nice descriptions in that first paragraph by the way, though I would definitely break it up into two or three paragraphs as it looks a little like a wall of text - and I know a lot of people who are put off by walls of text.
Hmm, nice deduction about that invisibility spell there, Vala.
Heh. That DOES explain the map that the player has, and definitely does make sense. It's also pretty unique as well, so well done!
Argh, poor Vala. I pity that girl.
Now, I don't have time to read any more today, but I will get around to that other chapter in my inbox as soon as I can.
Pertaining to this one, I shall say: A job well done. Your descriptions are very good, actually, but you NEED to watch out for word repetition when you're writing them, and also repeating the same phrase over and over. But good nonetheless
| fl333r chapter 6 . 8/18/2011
Great story! I'm going to check out what other ones you've written!
I hope this continues! :D
| cola1806 chapter 6 . 6/17/2011
No problem, I like this fic.
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 6 . 6/17/2011
mmhmm. I'm glad I'm not the only one anymore; you deserve more, really... 10 reviews in 5 chapters is far from shabby, I'll have you know. On with the review:
Hmm... Nulem seems strangely quick to forgive her for stabbing him... And he followed her, even though he thought she had tried to kill him? Strange boy.
'...roil even Martin's even...' - *cringes at the word repetition* Now, I KNOW that this is two different meanings of the same word, but that's not the point. It still IS the same word. You can change the second one to 'level' without much ill-effect...
I'm not so sure Jauffre would be so willing to accept a substitute for the Blades... Hmm... Well, in my story my character turns the offer down, and none of the other characters are offered it. It makes sense that he WOULD accept Nulem - who is the Hero of Kvatch - but why would he even ask Vala? She's not done much yet, not in the way of heroism. And she gave him her knife? Surely she'll need that...
That first dream is odd... And really really short. Is it necessary? Perhaps, perhaps not. Who knows?
Hmm *counts words* That's a lot of times you've used the words 'pine' and 'needles' in that paragraph.
One would think... That if she's having second thoughts about killing this man... then talking to him before killing him will make it even worse. Maintaining a distance will make the death easier to cope with, no?
That's a weird nightmare... Ice? Odd...
Something I've noticed about Vala: She seems to act differently depending on who she's speaking to. I think there should be at least SO similarities in this fact. I mean, I can understand why she'd try to be more confident and that with Lachance, however... Why is she really sarcastic with him, and not with anyone else? Is she not afraid that he is an evil assassin? Because you have to be careful here. Do what you will with Lachance, but he's still an assassin. Be careful about crossing the characterisation lines.
Two accounts, huh? There were two? Oh, well... Yeah...
'there was no sound was in the shack' - Just spotted this. It makes no sense as is, so you might wanna see to changing that...
Oh, and one more thing: review replies?
Generally good chapter, once again
| Elsweyrian chapter 5 . 6/16/2011
please write more i really like it.
| Commander Jane Shepard chapter 5 . 6/13/2011
Ooooo, nice twist. I stumbled across this story, and gave it a read through, and was pleased with it. I'm not sure why you're so hard on yourself. One of the better Elder Scrolls fanfics I've read. Keep up the good work, and I'm excited to see where this thing with Nulem goes.
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 5 . 6/13/2011
So... I was mildly determined to review this without putting it off for about three days like I did with the previous couple. Thus, here I am! XD
Lachance rhymes with...? Well, it might just be my mucked up British accent making them sound completely different. I'll take your word for that :P
She walked... all the way to Weynon Priory? Mental. I would be tired too, you know. That's some distance to cover on foot. Surely though, Jauffre would be more suspicious of her for giving him the Amulet of Kings.
Killing Nulem? Oh, Vala, you don't know that he died. In fact, I have my suspicions here...
Jauffre raised Martin? I coulda sworn he was given to farmers... Well, you can do what you want with Martin's past; it's your story, and it would be nice to see something original, right?
Whoa. Some of these sections are... ridiculously short. I can see what you're trying to do, but...
Heh. Lucien's trying to stick to his script here, I can tell... But Vala, she's not having it. For some reason this amuses me no end. And a different initiation quest to the usual almost speaks to suggest that she is NOT the player from the game, and adds the spirit of intrigue. Yes, I see now I was right to start reading this story.
Can you embroider a dagger? I always considered embroidery to be something done with thread. Yes, according to the dictionary, 'embroidered' pertains to needlework or to adding needless embellishments or exaggerations, usually in speech.
Weird, this memory loss of hers. Well, it adds dramatic irony, I suppose... Right?
I knew it! I knew it! Nulem WAS alive! So... Now he's the Hero of Kvatch and she's the one from the Emperor's dreams, right? Well, this will be interesting.
I wish I could right more, but I have to go to maths... Good chapter
| cola1806 chapter 5 . 6/13/2011
About the Dark Brotherhood. Will all of the contracts be different, or will there be some of the same ones from the game? I liked the scene with Lucien.
That was a good twist. Will they both work together on the main questline?
| cola1806 chapter 4 . 6/12/2011
This fic is good, especially the dream memories.
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 4 . 6/10/2011
You know what? I'm awfully sorry for putting off reading this. I've been mildly busy, and I'm possibly the biggest procrastinator I have ever met. It's a sad fact.
This is a short chapter, yes... And THAT is a good quote; I'm a right one for my quotes. It's reached the stage where they're appearing on every chapter. And the italics are fine; it happened in the past, so it makes sense, and the other italics are denoting thoughts, right? Memories? So yes, they're fine, in my honest opinion.
In all: A good chapter. Very good, actually. The only thing I can think to criticise off the top of my head is that it's so short, however I don't think anything's completely perfect, so I shall try to find something to say that's of any real importance at all...
OK... I can understand WHY you would want to skip the Emperor's assassination and all - I completely skipped that entire sequence, but my main character is not the Hero of Kvatch, so... - but you still could have written a bit more about it, I think... Oh, and there's no thing... You say this: 'Something told me that there was armor I could have stolen . . . there were certainly weapons, which contributed greatly to my survival . . . but I had just been too eager to get out of that horrid place', which implies she DIDN'T pick up weapons, and then you continue on to say: 'dripping from my dagger, staining a handful of arrows', which implies that she does, in fact, have weapons on her person. She wouldn't have her OWN dagger and weapons, because she's been in jail and they would have been confiscated, so she either DID pick some up, or your sentence just made no sense.
And while praise from me MAY be alluded to that of God - ;) - I shall continue on to say that you've improved an awful lot since that last story I ripped to shreds. More than I could in such a short time. And therefore, you deserve all the praise you get :) I only wish more people would review this...
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 3 . 6/1/2011
Apologies for having left this... for however long... it's been since you uploaded it. I can honestly say that I've been procrastinating terribly.
Hmm... I like how these memories are interspersed with the story. I don't often like it when random flashbacks occur for no reason, but for some reason it works this time around. Perhaps it's because we know so horribly little about our narrator, eh?
I don't think you HAVE to capitalise the word 'clannfear', but don't hold me to that.
It's odd that, in the midst of all this, she should find time to cut that bloke's purse during all this. In fact, why is he standing there doing nothing? Any soldier worth his penny is gonna want to get in on the action, right?
Oh, and it's NOT a throwing knife she's got there, so it shouldn't really... Well, it wouldn't hit the target, that's for sure. As somebody said to me once, the hilt would throw it off course.
And she's in a cell... Is she the Hero of Kvatch then? Ironic, because if she is... she just CAME from Kvatch, and she just met Martin... Hmm *cogs turning in brain*
Well, actually... This was a pretty good chapter. Pretty short, and all, but pretty good. Or, at least, *I* can't find anything to point out other than what I already have, which for me - and my excessive concrit - is quite an achievement, right? :P
| Arty Thrip - Alpha 04 chapter 2 . 5/23/2011
So... Me again. I was happy to see this in my inbox, due to my appalling track record with reviewing your stories. Nonetheless, I'm here again. Me and my mildly toned down concrit, because I have an exam later and I'm not in the mood - or, at least, that's the theory behind it.
First off - brackets, or parenthesis, whatever you call them. Basically, don't use them in fiction. They're not great things when you're trying to write a story, so I would avoid them. Also, the bracket you have at the start seems to be missing most of the important words, because I had to read it twice to understand what it meant.
I have to wonder why she's so obsessed with snow... And what became of Nulem - though I've guessed that one already :P Good memory scene that, because I didn't see anything else to say about it :P
Kvatch. Yes, probably Kvatch. I've never seen an Oblivion story in which Kvatch remains whole, mainly because of Martin... If only he'd been a priest of something else...
Anyway, on another point, that third section is shockingly short. It's not too bad, because I CAN see why you included it, but... But it's still really short. That said, I'm used to chapters that are 10k words in length.
Umm... OK, I DON'T see much point to that fourth section at all. Yes, she's gone too far west, but perhaps you could have incorporated it into another section? Perhaps, well... It's your story, your choice.
'such a horrid stanch that' Typo - 'stench' is the word you're searching for. No worries. We're all human - apparently ;) - so we all make mistakes.
Tierra. Yup. I LIKE your description of Kvatch. Reminds me that I left mine rather lacking and need to rewrite it. Bleh.
'to see that she was staring at a rip in armor of patchwork furs'. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it feels to me like you've missed out an important word in this sentence that makes it make decidedly less sense than it ought to. Then again, you're being reviewed by the queen of missing the operative word in the sentence, so...
She did faint rather quickly there. Is she squeamish? I mean, if it's blood loss, she would have noticed her vision waning a little beforehand, right? Well, she should have done. Exsanguination is a VERY slow process by which to die, and I know she's not dying, but it still takes a very long time to faint from blood loss. So for now I shall assume that she's squeamish and leave it at that.
So, yeah... I'm intrigued here, because she's NOT the person from the Emperor's dream, because she's NOT from the Imperial Prison... So... Is there a Hero of Kvatch? You don't have to answer that, you can leave it rhetorical. I will, as always, make guesses about this until the ends of time, but ultimately I shall wait upon your next update.
A good chapter
| Mephala's Sibling chapter 1 . 5/16/2011
This is really, really good! Much better than my starting chapters at least, the opening was beautiful and I only really caught on that it was written in first person when the word 'I' came up, and I think it's beautiful the way she decribes things.
I can't spot any errors so far, and I hope an update will come soon!