|Reviews for Online Connections|
| The Great Fanfiction Wizard chapter 16 . 10/15/2014
Good story loved it!
| Green-Changeling chapter 16 . 8/28/2014
This is my favorite Teen Titans fan fiction, I have read it twice and just got around to finding it again today. Even reading it a third time I loved it and I really enjoyed everything about the story.
| beacuzz chapter 7 . 2/20/2014
I think your "girl talk" is quite accurate
just don't tell any other girls i said that. it is a girl code secret that we aren't crazy girly psychopaths when you boys aren't around.
| Weird Beard chapter 1 . 2/7/2014
Fun story. You know, I've been reading a few "Raven learns she likes video games" stories, and besides one other Zelda story, this is the only one where the author did something as obvious as finding a game style that fits her personality, rather than just have her suddenly master racing or FPSing.
| TomMaier chapter 16 . 12/10/2013
Great story! What Xbox games do you have?
| Anna chapter 16 . 10/13/2013
I was browsing an author's favorite stories and stumbled upon this story. I know it has been over two years since it has been finished, but I wanted to say awesome story!
| Lirael1 chapter 16 . 10/12/2013
That was an adorable story! I really enjoyed reading it, and the ending (especially the part with the team posing for a photo) made me smile. :)
| TJS Tiger chapter 6 . 9/27/2013
I AM LOVING THIS STORY YOU CAME UP WITH! I almost wish I came up with it myself! Love Rae/BB! Thanks for making it!
| Guest chapter 15 . 9/17/2013
Beast boy and reven forever boyaa
| Guest chapter 11 . 9/17/2013
You evil beast boy but still second fav next reaven
| Guest chapter 1 . 9/17/2013
You are so beast boy I know it I just do bb
| TheMindGamer chapter 6 . 5/17/2013
Well, that was surprising. I didn't expect an identity to be revealed so early. Normally, it goes on for a while, so kudos for subverting that.
I'm gonna touch on some concept level problems in this review. I'm just gonna take an excerpt and comment from it.
"Starfire looked puzzled, 'Tell me friends, is Beast Boy going to challenge the villain Gizmo to a duel of the video games?"
I only included this line because I thought it felt pretty in character. I have a tendency to focus entirely on the negatives.
"'Not exactly, Star.' Cyborg explained, 'We only need BB to locate him within the game and keep him occupied long enough for me to get a trace on him. The trace should allow me to locate the Hive's position within the city by back tracking through his IP address.'"
Okay, this isn't necessarily an issue, but I feel like I should point out that this doesn't really make any sense. It's not a titanic stretch insofar as comic storylines go, so it isn't gonna be breaking anyone's suspension of disbelief, but you don't trace IP addresses like phone lines. Once you have someones IP, it's just a matter of calling the ISP up and asking who has it, presuming they're willing to cooperate. I realize that dynamic IPs can cause an issue, but they're also presuming he isn't using a proxy, anyway, so it's not a foolproof plan either way. Furthermore, dynamic IPs really don't change that frequently.
"Raven remained silent as Robin spoke up again, 'Beast Boy, since you're already familiar with Darkest Nights, we will start the search there.'"
Why? Was I to be under the impression that this game was popular? If I was, you never established that well. Furthermore, isn't it just throwing darts in the dark? There's no guarantee he's playing.
"Beast Boy seemed to be in deep thought before answering, 'We're going to need some help tracking Gizmo down in a large game like that. Also, if I'm defeated by him, I'll be forced back to a town, only having to restart the whole search."
Okay, sure, but isn't it easier to just call the company who hosts the server? I'm sure once you're certain he's in the database, it's easy to get his last known IP. Or at the very least an online/offline status and location. You could do this with a bunch of companies simultaneously, too.
"'What do ya have in mind B? Should we all start up some accounts to help ya out?' questioned Cyborg as he stared at his green friend."
No comment. Seems reasonable enough, considering the plan.
"He didn't hesitate in answering, 'No if we're doing this, it needs to be someone I can trust that is equal to me in experience. Right now I'm playing with a sorceress who would be a great help. Our styles are different enough to tackle anything...'"
As far as I'm aware, they've only been playing for an afternoon. This lends two notions. First, they're low level. It's hard to level in MMOs. Even in ones that are easy to level in, it takes at least a week of heavy play to max it. Even if the game's new, the first "no lifer" they run into is gonna wipe them clean. Chances are, the game isn't that new, however. The boy in the cafe in from chapter 2 was playing this game, correct? It's at least a two days old. It's likely far older.
The second notion is why does he trust her? He's known her for around an afternoon. That's not long enough to build any substantial trust. I'm surprised Beast Boy doesn't want his guy friends helping him over some person he just met.
Basically, this whole plan is pretty bad. There are numerous places it can go wrong, and it's fairly obviously a way to strong arm some sort of conflict into the gaming environment. It's possibly a way to strong arm an identity reveal, as well. The only way to fix any of this is to put it back in the figurative oven. It needs more thought.
Also, for the record, "gamertag" is a microsoft thing. I think you should be using either the terms "Username," "profile name," or probably best "pseudonym."
| TheMindGamer chapter 5 . 5/17/2013
No big reprises in this chapter and nothing new, so I don't have much major to focus on. I'll take this opportunity to focus on something a bit more overarching.
I've sort of noticed that the way you've written the characters makes them all seem really young. I actually find it somewhat cute. It's almost like I'm reading Tiny Titans or something, but I don't think this was intentional. Their thoughts are all very simple and short. They're supposed to be teenagers, but this causes them to sound more like grade schoolers. Beast Boy seems about nine or ten. Raven, perhaps twelve.
This can be remedied by just remembering that each idea isn't just that. Every notion a character has comes with a host of implications and suggestions. Thoughts aren't very divided- they build and morph. When a thought isn't followed through or developed, it seems childlike and simplistic.
One thing from this chapter, though:
"He was told that there was a slayer attacking innocent players. The "slayers" were traitorous players that chose to support the Darkspawn. Few players choose to become one because doing so would mean seclusion from all good players and have no access to communities within the game. Darkspawn would tempt them over with promises of dark power that normal players could not enjoy."
This makes no sense - at least from a design perspective. Part of the appeal of an MMO is, well, being a massive and multiplayer. It'd be pretty counterproductive to have this slayer system implemented if it cuts contact between players. It would probably be more like a faction system, in reality. Depending on the climate of the game, though, even if it worked the way you described, it'd actually be favorable to the player to switch. So far there hasn't been any advantages to being a normal player. One of the easiest ways to get players to join a faction is to allow them to get obvious advantages from it. While the situation you describe isn't entirely impossible, it's one of the less likely scenarios and requires a bad design model.
| TheMindGamer chapter 4 . 5/16/2013
No new writing topic to talk about here. I'll just hit the big reprises. I imagine my chapter critiques will boil down to this a lot as I progress. It's a given since I'm doing this after the fact and my comments aren't going into consideration for the next chapter. I will try to give specific ways to improve anything I bring up, though.
I wanna take an moment to point out why I'm doing this. I normally wouldn't put so much effort into a critique and just hit the major stuff at the end, but your earlier remarks about comments made me feel like you were actually invested in improving. I didn't see that anyone had done anything to point you in the right direction for improvement, either. If you really want to improve, you deserve someone willing to put the effort into pointing you in the right direction.
"Raven was having a great time playing with "Caged Fury". She was actually laughing at his jokes, something she hardly did in the real world for fear of her powers losing control. He was starting to grow on her and she could see the two of them becoming great friends."
Okay, this is another case of "show don't tell." You just skipped forward over a lot of juicy dialogue. This is what people read this type of story for. Skipping it just sucks. I wanna see her laugh at his jokes. I wanna see her enjoying herself. I wanna see her getting along with him. I don't wanna be told about it.
"Both of their characters had managed to get to level 7 in the few hours that they had been playing. Her character had learned how to heal with magic and could now create doppelgangers to distract. That put her character's abilities at teleportation, lightning shocks, stasis fields, healing, and diversions."
This is interesting. You've included details, but they're sorta awkward. This is mainly to do with the amount of details per sentence. They're not really concisely written and some of the details overlap pointlessly. Some things are said that are simply implied, becoming redundant. To provide a possible alternative:
"Both of their characters had managed to get to level 7 in a few hours. In addition to her teleportation and lightning shocks, her character had learned healing magic and could now create decoy doppelgangers."
I tried not to change it too terribly much, but I'm sure you can see how the details are more concise and overlap less.
'Wow! Don't mess with a man's waffles.' She thought as she cracked a tiny smile. "You should really be more careful with your food Cyborg."
"Yeah, yeah" he paused, stunned, "Wait a minute, did you just crack a joke?" Now he was staring in confusion.
This isn't even unusual. She's always making sarcastic jokes. She made one earlier in this very story. You're not being merely out of character with her but internally inconsistent to your own narrative. This is... to put it simply... really, really bad. Internal contradictions are a great way to break suspension of disbelief. Try to avoid them.
"'Yea I did and we got some great chemistry. I guess I should say that it's a good thing you didn't want to play, especially since I saw how surprises affect you.' He had a devilish grin on his face. He quickly turned to me to gauge my reaction. After seeing my cold stare, he put on a stone-cold poker-face. 'C'mon Raven, lighten up a bit.'"
Ho boy. This... what's with the sudden change into first person? It's there just for this little paragraph and zip-doodle-doo is gone again. Sudden changing of narrative perspective is bad. (...m'kay.) This one makes it obvious why. It's confusing. I have absolutely no idea who "me" even would be, considering there are three options.
Yeesh, all this critiquing has made me tired. I think I might go play DCUO. Luckily for Raven and Beast Boy, I won't be beating them up anymore. I got that feat last night.
| TheMindGamer chapter 3 . 5/16/2013
Okay, I don't wanna dwell too much on this, since it's a more advanced thing to keep an eye on, but do watch characterization. It's not that a big of a deal with original works, but in fan fiction, it's a huge "to do." Now, there really isn't an easy way to keep characters in character. Well, any easy way that you can teach another person. It mainly revolves around understanding the character more than anything. I bring this up because Starfire seems way out of character. I mean, it's been like this the whole way so far, but this particular bit was somewhat egregious:
Beast Boy rubbed the back of his neck and chuckled. "Actually Star, I was hoping that either of them had changed their minds about playing an online game with me. We have to save the world from being consumed by darkness and corruption!"
Starfire considered his words. "Wow. That is most... disturbing. That seems like a game more suited for friend Raven. Tell me Beast Boy, have you asked for her assistance?"
I suppose if I were to try and give a method to help... You could probably write down each character's personality down somewhere and check dialogue to it. For instance, a short one for Starfire would be something like this:
A naive, innocent, and easily excitable alien who frequently misunderstands earthly customs. She is happy, supportive, and very caring towards her companions. She is very gentle, but does have a temper.
Checking it against the dialogue there, she seems a little calm. I would actually expect her to think Beast Boy was talking about a mission - not a game.
Okay, that aside, what bugs me the most about this chapter is the dialogue at the end. The sudden switch to script is a little jarring. I presumed it's to emulate an MMO chat system, but to anyone unfamiliar with such, it can be confusing. Sudden switches are usually frowned upon. It could have easily been contained within standard dialogue. If you wanted to keep the chatbox feel, then you shouldn't have it intermittently interrupted by narration, either. Narration that switches between parenthetical actions and standard narrative sentences. The interruptions, coupled with the way the two are apparently typing, almost makes it feel like voice chat or a script. This whole section just bounces around between writing styles. It's inconsistent on every front. Consistency is important. I'm sure you've taken an English writing class, so I don't need to explain why... hopefully.