|Reviews for Make Me Feel ALIVE|
| Kairan1979 chapter 29 . 3/6
It's a shame you didn't finish Make Me Feel Alive.
| Kairan1979 chapter 24 . 3/6
"horizntal slash" - "horizontal"
| Kairan1979 chapter 10 . 3/6
"Shino spun his bow" - "Bo"
| Kairan1979 chapter 8 . 3/6
"exposed to a lung from another lion" - "lunge"
| Siege314 chapter 5 . 1/5
So the very first sentence, sevral people died... I got over it
Naruto slaughtered a bunch of people... Ok I'm with you...
...but holy shit... Make a dark Naruto all you want but please, just please don't make him an arrogant ass... It makes him seem childish. If he is so strong and he knows it, there's no point in intimidating others... Ya know?
To be honest though I like the fact that you don't boggle so much on mundane facts through the early years and keep the story moving at a nice pace.
I like the story idea though!
| Kshail chapter 5 . 12/1/2015
A bit melodramatic in my opinion with his entrance into the classroom...Yes I get you want him to be intimidating but tone it done a bit?
| david.teague.3950 chapter 29 . 2/18/2015
I got to say I spent the whole day reading Make Me Feel ALIVE as well as the introduction to Redemption of the Namikaze, and I got to say aside from some grammatical and some spelling Errors easily ignored these are amazing.
| Ser Serendipity chapter 4 . 3/7/2014
What makes "since"? I'm confused.
Oh dear. Naruto's slurring his words. The things kids'll do today…
First off, Tenzo refuses to kill Naruto, despite his superiors orders. Without context, this would be pretty heartwarming. The cold, merciless former ROOT operative turned hungover pirate becoming a human being due to the power of an adorable little boy.
But… context is everything.
Tenzo refuses to put down Naruto because he thinks he might have killed over a DOZEN PEOPLE…
In SELF DEFENSE.
Think about that for a minute.
If you kill one person who's about to brain you, that's self defense. If you kill a second one who comes at you with a knife, that's also self defense.
If you CHASE DOWN THE DEFENSELESS CIVILIANS using the power of the Kyuubi…
THAT IS NOT SELF DEFENSE.
And it's pretty damn clear that's EXACTLY what happened.
Hmm. Maybe EVERYONE in Konoha is retarded. That would make everything that's happened so far make sense, at least.
Also? "Due for". For fucks sake. Grammar is not OPTIONAL. Get it right.
"What reason do they have to keep it alive" indeed? I actually agree with Kiba's mom. They SHOULD just kill Naruto's ass. He killed a bunch of people that, as a future ninja, he would be sworn to protect. Is that NOT a reason to kill him?
Oh, and another fanon sin. Chakra weights.
It's okay when Lee uses them. It's NOT okay when Naruto min-maxes with them.
Also, six-year-olds bones' aren't nearly as durable as a teenagers. Putting those weights on should have broken Naruto's arms.
HERE WE ARE.
HERE'S THE GOOD STUFF.
SO, NARUTO KILLS A CRAPTON OF NINJA ISN'T HE SO COOL AW MAN I WISH I WAS NARUTO HE KILLS PEOPLE LIKE IT AIN'T NO THING HIS LOGIC IS SO FLAWLESS HE'S LIKE "I DIDN'T KILL ANYONE HERE I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU BY KILLING A BUNCH OF PEOPLE WHY DOESN'T ANYONE TRUST ME I'M SO ALONE"
AND HE'S GOT ONE-LINERS WAIT WHAT'S THIS FEELING IN MY PANTS I FEEL WEIRD
OKAY. FUCKING LISTEN TO ME, ASSHOLE.
NARUTO JUST KILLED A BUNCH OF KONOHA'S NINJA. THERE IS NO REASON FOR HIM NOT TO BE KILLED NOW. THERE WERE PLENTY OF WITNESSES. HE EVEN KILLED A COUPLE AFTER THEY SURRENDERED.
SEND THE SON OF THE WHITE FANG IN. HAVE HIM PUT HIS FIST THROUGH THAT FUCKER'S HEART, CAUSE IT'S PRETTY CLEAR HE'S AN IRREDEEMABLE THREAT TO THE VILLAGE.
Also: DIDN'T I FUCKING CALL IT?!
OH LOOK IT'S HINATA!
I love her! She's one of my favorite characters! My OTP! My-
Wait… why isn't she reacting to Naruto brutally murdering a bunch of people right in front of her?
Why is she…
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
WHAT, YOU WEREN'T HAPPY WITH JUST RAPING NARUTO'S PERSONALITY?! YOU HAD TO FUCKING KILL HINATA TOO?!
WHERE'D YOU HIDE THE GODDAMN BODY, ASSHOLE?!
'CAUSE THIS ISN'T HINATA FUCKING HYUUGA.
THIS ISN'T THE KIND, QUIET, CARING GIRL THAT BOUGHT MY LOYALTY WITH HER FIRST SILENT FINGER TWIRL.
THIS IS ANOTHER AMORAL SOCIOPATH. THIS IS FAN-ATA. SHE'S FUCKING WORTHLESS. SHE SEES NARUTO, A BOY SHE HASN'T EVEN MET YET, MURDER THE FUCK OUT OF A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND.
BECAUSE NARUTO ALWAYS GETS HIS FUCKING WAY.
YOU ALWAYS GET YOUR FUCKING WAY.
YOU'VE BURNED EVERYTHING DOWN. I HOPE YOU'RE FUCKING HAPPY.
| Ser Serendipity chapter 3 . 3/7/2014
First sin: Tenzo is such a bad pirate that he doesn't even notice Naruto come back into the house.
Second sin: Naruto HIDES THE EVIDENCE of his murder spree. Which proves that he knows what he did was wrong, and that he should be punished for it. And yet, he shows no remorse.
Also? He's SIX. I mean, this is Naruto, the series where children are turned into soldiers before they start growing hair in strange places, so that's not as bad as it might seem. But I can assure you, if you think a six year old could murder a couple dozen people without any mental repercussions…
Well. That worries me, honestly.
Third sin: another terrible fanon sin. The "mindscape".
Pro-tip? I've never seen A SINGLE STORY with this concept turn out to be good. The Kyuubi isn't in Naruto's "mind". If it was, wouldn't it be in control of him? Since that's, you know, his head?
The Kyuubi is in a PRISON. Separate from Naruto. And prisons aren't supposed to be the nicest places.
Fourth sin: the Kyuubi offers to train Naruto instead of immediately trying to take over his body. Ah, but here's where it gets interesting! By trying to make the Kyuubi an out-of-character moron of a teacher, you've actually played right into the canon Kyuubi's hands!
The more Naruto uses the Kyuubi's chakra, the more the seal weakens, and the easier it is more the Kyuubi to take control of him.
See, you've wasted a perfectly good plot here. The Kyuubi tricking Naruto into thinking it's his friend, so that he weakens the seal and it's able to take over his body? THAT would be interesting.
But of course, that's not what's happening here.
Fifth sin: Yamato is a pirate, so he instantly recognizes the smell of blood when he wakes up, despite Naruto having hidden the evidence and cleaning up. I must commend you for accuracy there: not many people acknowledge how good a pirate's sense of smell is.
However, he's also the worst guardian ever (still). So when Naruto starts acting EVEN MORE out of character (oh hey, Hyuuga bashing. Who wants to bet Hinata's personality will get fucked out of her at some point?), he brushes it off and takes him shopping.
Which brings us to the next sin.
DRAMATIC CLOTHING CHANGE.
I mean… I'm not even going to try to mock the scene in particular. Too much block text: I can hardly read it anyway.
But… Naruto gets a HOODY. Which Tenzo pays for with his CREDIT CARD.
Do I even have to tell you how STUPID that is? Honestly?
"Ooh, I'm gonna be an angsty badass (who is SIX YEARS OLD). Imma buy a hoody (with my guardian's money) and trench knives (also with guardian's money (Also? Tenzo finds NOTHING WRONG with Naruto a: buying some big honking knifes and b: KNOWING HOW TO CHANNEL CHAKRA INTO THEM, which takes EXPERIENCED NINJA MONTHS OF TRAINING TO FIGURE OUT)) and lurk in the shadows with the hood up so my eyes glow red because I'm slowly but surely selling my soul to a monster for reasons that have not been adequately explained."
Yeah. I'm real impressed. I'm totally not laughing my ass off.
I mean… it's like he's a POSER, almost! It's hilarious! He's trying SO HARD to be cool and dark. It makes me wish he was standing in front of me so I could make fun of him in person.
But wait! I just realized! This Naruto isn't Naruto!
This is a self-insert! This is YOU!
And I CAN laugh at you!
| Ser Serendipity chapter 2 . 3/7/2014
Well, fanon bullshit… I mean, the "civilian council" is in the FIRST paragraph.
Not off to a great start.
Interesting idea fosting Naruto off to Tenzo. However, you know who else are really good at controlling the Bijuu, with the added benefit of having someone Naruto's age so he doesn't turn into a complete fucking psychopath?
That's right. The Uchiha. So the Sandaime basically shot down Fugaku's REALLY GOOD idea for… what reason again?
Two things: one, Tenzo DOESN'T drive a hard bargain. The Hokage saying he does just makes him sound like an idiot. Second: I didn't know Tenzo was a pirate! "Me abilities" indeed!
Does he call all his ANBU buddies "me hearties"? (Oh wait, he DOESN'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS. Yet another reason he would be a bad candidate for raising Naruto) Does he use the Mokuton to pretend he has a peg leg?
Someone write this!
Oho. Now we're getting to the good stuff.
Okay. So you just proved everything I've been saying above. Tenzo is THE WORST guardian ever. I mean, he beans Naruto in the head with a TV remote (wait, does the Naruto world even HAVE remotes?) and then goes to sleep. He's like an alcoholic father. At least he doesn't have to administer his beating himself, since-
Oh, wait. Tenzo's a pirate. I forgot.
Well, everything totally makes sense now.
Okay. So while Tenzo's sleeping off his rum, Naruto sneaks out to get ramen. Fine. Unlikely, but in character.
Then, the most EGREGIOUS piece of fanon the fans have EVER produced rears it head.
The RAEGING MOB.
Just… take a minute right here.
I mean… are the villagers of Konoha… the Village Hidden in the Leaves… the people who support its shinobi, who quite possibly risk their lives every day simply by being associated with its ninja…
Are these people PHYSICALLY RETARDED?
Really. Think about your answer. It's important.
Was the answer yes?
Congratulations. You're as dumb as you think they are.
What are they hoping to accomplish?! Even if they're as dumb as you say they are, they'd have to HAVE TROUBLE BREATHING to actually think that they could take down Naruto.
I mean, to them, Naruto IS the Kyuubi. That's the premise. Roll with that.
They want to kill HIM, because the Kyuubi killed the Yondaime.
But, if the Kyuubi killed the YONDAIME… you know, the best ninja Konoha had produced in EVER: what fucking hope do these hopped-up villagers have?
The whole thing is completely pointless. They're not even people: they're just an excuse to have Naruto meet the Kyuubi (who, hilariously, is actually somewhat in-character, considering how bad he wants to murder everything ever).
And then, Naruto does.
And then, he murders the fuck out of a score or so of mentally deficient villagers.
Do you see the problem here?
The villagers were clearly RIGHT to try to kill him! He just massacred a ton of them!
If the next chapter doesn't start with the Sandaime personally putting Naruto down, then you've already fucked up.
| Ser Serendipity chapter 1 . 3/7/2014
A note before we get started.
First things first: if this fic really is dead, as it seems to be, than I applaud you for walking away from it. Please, don't read this review, or any that follow it. All you need to know is that I admire the will it must have taken to realize that what you were writing wasn't worth writing, and I hope you'll return someday with another, more successful attempt.
But… if you are in fact trying to continue this thing…
Second thing, then. I'm not doing this out of malice. Just frustration.
It's also a gift to one of my friends. Make of that what you will.
Now then… let's get started.
Nothing super offensive in the first chapter. A couple switched there's and theirs, but besides that…
Well, except for the fact that I can hardly read it.
PARAGRAPHS? DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY ARE?
You press the enter key? It creates a space between your sentences, so your whole story doesn't look like a mass of incomprehensible babbling words?
I'd say it's pretty useful. But if you think you're above it…
*shrug* Moving on.
| luketzoner chapter 1 . 10/29/2013
man, are you gona continue this fic? it's been ages since you updated!
and the next fic seems good as well.
| Noone1234 chapter 20 . 8/16/2013
When Naruto and the others found out abut Orichimaru they should have told someone. Some spelling errors. Also, I feel like this story has no real surprise. Everything that happens, I feel like it was just bound to happen. No excitement.
| onijutsu chapter 26 . 7/31/2013
finally he is getting knocked off his high horse, it was getting a bit much there for a while.
| Hilario chapter 16 . 7/25/2013
Ah, I love when stories have their title within the story. Great story so far!